We are taxidermists
From a parallel universe
All of our creations
Have beards and eyepatches
We stuff dead animals
In a tangential strand of time
Mounting them for display
Under a purple sky
When a stray Spanish bullet killed the great great great great great
Grandmother of Winston Churchill’s mother’s nursemaid
Human history was diverted down a path
More accommodating of our strange specialist trade
Now we harness the power of Tesla Coils
And tools derived from our steam-based technology
To extract the innards of animal corpses
And preseve the beauty of their natural biology
Behold! The five toed velociraptor!
More sprightly and agile than your common-variety velociraptor!
To your left, a collector’s item: Fluffy, the favourite White House poodle in Robert Kennedy’s third term.
Behind you – BEHIND YOU – the pirhana-moose.
The famous European genetic experiment commissioned by the Cyborg Emperor Napoleon.
And down that unlit corridor?
Oh, there lie the relics of the Lizard War.
We don’t talk about that.
Join us brothers, let us rise as one
And spread the good word to our ignorant breathren
And create a better world as we stuff their skin
And preserve their smiles in a perfect lifeless grin
As ancient terrors from the deep infiltrate sleepy suburbia, Stephen Hawking and Satan debate Bewitched casting. Hardcore Holmes makes the ultimate edgy sacrifice, the inventor of the Time Phone wages an awkward war against himself, and legendary impaler Vlad Tepes takes on his biggest enemy yet: Zoning Bylaws.
Meanwhile, in the writers’ room, the creators of a sketch-comedy podcast embark on a sprawling metafictional odyssey equal parts hilarious, confusing and TERRIFYINGLY APOCALYPTIC.
Big Explosions! Brain-Sucking Monsters! Car Chases! Wailing Guitars! Taxidermy! Awkward, Potentially Homoerotic Domestic Situations! A Ham Sandwich! All this and oh-so-much more in this massive, charmingly convoluted labour of love, two comically on-and-off years in the making.
In recent weeks, I’ve had the absolute pleasure of playing a supporting role in The Vine: Donkey Kong Audio Programme. I must insist you have the absolute pleasure of listening to it.
Not into video games? That’s okay, neither are the hosts. Think of it as the legitimate front for crude but classy conversational comedy. It’s a mammoth production, a huge labour of love, and brimming with the warmly familiar, silky-smooth voices of Rubber Chicken alumni.
Be warned: Emmy-winnng hosts Chad and Hyle are not the most tactful gentlemen, and tend to use masturbation jokes as punctuation. You’ll hate yourself for laughing, but oh, you will laugh.
Way back in prehistoric 2005, five of us gathered in Brisbane and had a great deal of fun filming a surreal mockumentary sketch show. Hours of footage were flown back to Western Australia, compiled into the Greatest Trailer That Ever Trailed, then stashed in the director’s bottom drawer, where they presumably remain to this day.
Lo! With the recent chance discovery of a long lost test reel and some painstaking restoration work in Windows Movie Maker, this magnum opus can finally take its rightful place as the literal Citizen Kane of movies.
When I recently left a lucrative supermarket job to pursue my Starving Writer phase, I couldn’t help feel survivor’s guilt. I fled with my soul intact, but how could I lend moral support to those left behind?
Then there was the question of my legacy. What would my loving contribution mean to Coles Supermarkets Australia Pty Ltd ten years from now? I had to leave behind a message for the ages.
Also, the staff room really needed some coffee mugs.
There they remain to this day; silent sentinels to the stars.
The comedy of errors that is Finishing Season Two approaches its climax. Here’s what you can look forward to when we get back from our various honeymoons and tropical vacations. We are PUMPED. Are YOU?
We at The Rubber Chicken have long considered the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon a few edits and a laugh track away from being the perfect sitcom. Even the voice actors openly recognise villains Krang and Shredder as the classic bickering married couple. Now if only somebody would get rid of those pesky turtles, we could finally enjoy TMNT as the romantic adventure-comedy it was clearly destined to be.
This accidentally reversed portion of Podcast 207: Mister Podcast’s Neighborhood* chills me to the bone. On this hallowed eve, I entrust it to you. God bless.
FACT: In his daily tech support work for The Man, Tim encounters a huge volume of unintentionally hilarious spam subject headings.
FACT: The world has been a slightly less awesome place since Spamusement.com stopped posting its priceless visual interpretations of such spam titles, and will remain slightly less awesome until somebody picks up where it left off.
FACT: Paul “Ettin” Matijevic can sketch a mean stick figure.
Rubber Chicken Audio, a home for audible waveforms of all shapes and sizes, is nearly ready for launch. We're just a little bit thrilled.
about 1 month ago
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