The Chicken Feed

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Historical Afterthoughts

Posted on August 7th, 2004 by Andrey Summers

“Uh, let there be light, I guess.”

“Wait, wait, cut.”
“What is it, George?”
“I was just thinking…maybe we should set Star Wars in space?”

“Yeah, okay I guess we’d better leave Poland. No, actually, wait, nevermind.”

“So, who’s first out of the Apollo 11?”

“Phew, I’ll just rest up here and have a coke, shall I. Oh, hey, a rifle.”

“Uh, Mr. Columbus… I kind of broke the steering wheel.”

“Hey, this hula hoop can roll along the ground!”

“Well John, it doesn’t look like Liverpool is ready for our unique take on morris dancing.”
“Fair enough Paul. Wanna start a band instead?”

“Whoa, Clark, so you’re going to use your powers to fight for truth, justice, and the American way?”

“What is it, Mr. Ford?”
“An assembly line, sonny.”
“And what will it build?”
“Wheels, of course.”
“Why do we need so many wheels?”

“Right, that’s the four presidents’ faces carved in. Now, time for the highly provocative and offensive bottom half…”
“Dinnertime, Doane!”

“J’appelle cette objet le Statue du Merde! Haha! Stupide Americane!”
“And what is this gift to America called, chancellor?”
“Ah! Le statue of…libertie?”

“We think the wars of the future will be highly mobile and motorized. Let us channel our funding into a highly dynamic military that protects our borders with motorized, mobile infantry!”
“Or we could build a big wall.”

“Mr. Tolkien, don’t you think this would work better if you wrote this in English?”
“Ladu naga un gala! Nash tala saukht, you little bastard!”

“Here’s your wine, Jesus.”
“Actually, I ordered the water.”

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Doctor who?”

“So do you wanna just drop the nuke here, or…”

“*sigh* well, guys, Arch-duke Franz Ferdinand is dead. Who’s up for some dodgeball?”
“Oh come on, we’ve been playing that all week.”
“Well what do you suggest?”
“Um… war?”

“With my newly-invented telescope, I can safely observe the neighbours’ sexual antics. Whoops, I’m aiming too high.”

“So what do you call them?”
“And what are they for?”
“Well I’m thinking we teach horses how to skate on them. Actually, I’ll be right back.”

“Where’re you going Zeus?”
“Out for some milk, obviously! What’d you think, I’d turn into a white bull and abduct a maiden? Hah! …Hmm…”

“So which prisoner shall I free?”
Crowd: “Jesus!”
“Are you Suuuuure?”
*mumbling, confusion*
“Barabas it is!”

“So the egg, herein referred to as E, has the same cholestorol level as the combined intake of a proportionate amount of mayonaise and cheese – M and C – when served in a square dish. I’ll just write that down…”

“Look, Princess Di! No hands!”

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