With the upturned toadstool, the nervous wristwatch exploded with the volume of a small teacup. For it was questioning its own sexuality, when in fact it was enjoying a nice cup of existensialism.  At which point, to Sir Lancelot’s dismay, his pants exploded. The evil turnip’s machinations crumbled to dust and cute little fairy sprinkles around him. It was time to start anew. With radishes.

Now, hop up on Uncle Harold’s lap, won’t you, Billy?  I’ve a tale to tell.

So one time, I was there minding my own business when this old man came stumbling down the sidewalk. Being the concientious citizen I am, I deftly sidestepped him and quickened my pace as he keeled over right there, obviously suffering some kind of internal fatality. You may call me callous, but I ask you this – are old men not MEANT to die? Is that not their PURPOSE? Remember, kids: old people are only good for substitute pet food ingredients. Soylent Chow, Get it Now!

“But what,” cried the artificial bucket of cream, “if you injected me into a delicious pumpkin dumpling? Surely, that would solve all the world’s problems, like world hunger, and backaches.”  From that day forth, I never placed tea cosies on my eyeballs again.  My problems should have finished then and there.

Why, then, did Frankin Roosevelt refuse to participate in the Roswell crash? Logic and a lack of time travel aside, he much rather preferred to sit back with his bubblepipe and boogie the night away. And boogie he did.

Sometimes I think that everything’s alive and just waiting to talk to me if I address it in the correct manner. “How do you do, Mister Teapot? How does the morning find you, Mister Toaster?” Then again, this calendar wouldn’t be more pedestrian if it walked down the street. Nay; if it cycled.

Putt-putt, went the puttering putter that putted its way to Putty McPutterson’s house, located in Puttsville, Puttstania. The house was surrounded by a bed of puttunias.
“I rekons what we need HERE,” he said looking it up and down “is grease her up and have an old fashion pig wrasslin’!”
“But grandpa!” little Sophie said, “That’s a chainsaw!”

Jello, the most masterful of creations, often found roaming packs, can often turn dangerous when cornered. In fact, studies have proven that corners are particularly dangerous to all concerned. If you are concerened, please, stay away from corners. And now, the weather as told in swahili by small british mute. But not even acid rain could stop Billy from getting to the church on time, although most of his skin got left behind. It looked rather fetching in puddle-form.

And really, when you get right down to rusty razor blades, isn’t that what life’s all about? Well, probably not, considering that your feet would be all cut to shreds. Pizza Hut’s phone number in Japanese is kyuu-yon-hachi-ichi-no-ichi-ichi-ichi-ichi.

THE GREEN! THE HORRIBLE, STRAINING GREEN!