We at The Rubber Chicken have long considered the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon a few edits and a laugh track away from being the perfect sitcom.  Even the voice actors openly recognise villains Krang and Shredder as the classic bickering married couple.  Now if only somebody would get rid of those pesky turtles, we could finally enjoy TMNT as the romantic adventure-comedy it was clearly destined to be.

We have the technology.

If you enjoyed this video, be sure to check out some of our previous TMNT posts, including an illustrated tribute to Krang, the Turtles’ victory over Global Warming, or a warts-and-all look at their scandallous private lives.

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?

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When we last left our heroes, their spacecraft was proportionately high on danger and low on mathematical aides.

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The recipe for a good episode of television is a tricky one to define, until by the purest chance, we happened across it on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Season Four DVD. (Guess it had to be somewhere, right?) Now we have experienced the dizzying heights of octogenarian supervillains, environmentally aware turtles and scantily-clad April O’Neils, every other show has been exposed for the hollow sham it really is.

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If there’s one thing that can be said about The Rubber Chicken, then I guess logically this sentence is it.
Luckily, that’s not the case. In fact, the things that can be said about this uproarious, delightful little cyber-corner of information-super-whimsy are probably as numerous (if not more-so) as the site’s oddly diverse readership. And I do use the word “oddly” with calculated discretion, because despite the fact that we make jokes all the time about how we have no readers, the fact is that we do have them. We have quite an inventory, honestly.

This is due to the fact that TRC is unusually well-Googled. People type things into search-engines, scan down the list of results and routinely choose our site as the solution to whatever quandary it is that’s driven them to type key-words into a text-box.

Driven by curiosity, boredom and hubris, I decided this month to take a peek at the man behind the curtain (this is a Wizard of Oz metaphor, not me walking in on a guy showering), and leaf through our visitation statistics for April 2007. Herein, I came upon the full list of keywords typed into search-engines like Google that then resulted in people clicking on us.

Below are some of the highlights, and boy do they present a nightmarish cross-section of the kind of people YOU apparently are. Bear in mind, you filthy cadre of rat-like degenerates, that I am not making up these search results for a laugh. This is honestly what you people are looking for when you end up finding us. May God have mercy on you.

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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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Oftentimes, we wonder: what aren’t they showing us on the television? When we see American troops marching triumphantly through some deserted part of Iraq that isn’t actually of strategic importance, where is the TRUTH being hidden?

No doubt you often think along the same lines when considering the 1990’s Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Well, fret no more, spawnlings. The truth is finally out.

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With many hours of toil, and the assistance of artist extroidanaire Klobber, The Rubber Chicken is proud to present to you, the viewing public, Krang: A Tribute.

So join us, won’t you, as we explore the history and the delightful quirks of everyone’s favouritest burbling, giggling homicidal megalomaniac of a brain with razor sharp teeth that slots neatly into the belly of a gigantic naked robot android.
Honestly, how can ANYONE not like the Classic Ninja Turtles cartoon? Seriously?

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Weeks later, Paradigm took to the drink and would often be found sobbing in his own urine.

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