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Amazonian Ethel

Posted on December 1st, 2005 by Alastair Craig

Reader Reviews from TRC’s Resident Puritan Nutcase

We’re sorry – we really don’t know how it happened, but what’s done is done and there’s no use making excuses. Somebody has introduced our favourite fictitious fundimentalist critic, Ethel Roberts, to Amazon.com.

Yes, Ethel Roberts. Crusader for the good and champion of the pure. She emerges now, shielded with self-righteousness and sething with strongly worded paragraphs, here to let the world at large now how she feels about not only this, but also that. Especially that.

Come with her now as she snaps on the rubber gloves and runs a finger around the inside of Amazon.com’s Reader Reviews section.

Conker: Live & Reloaded (Xbox game)
An intentionally violent and profane Xbox remake of the intentionally violent and profane Nintendo 64 cartoon platform game.

INTERACTIVE PORNOGRAPHY – AVOID AT ALL COSTS
When I gave this game to my 14-year-old nephew, Norman, I expected clean, wholesome entertainment. What I got instead, however, was nothing less than hardcore pornography, typical of the disgusting people at Microsoft. How so much horrid, vile, unsavoury, unchristian filth made its way into what was a game clearly marketed at and for children under the age of fourteen years of age is beyond me. Do the people at Rave Ltd have no sense of decency? No morals? It would appear not. With such a disgusting amount of swearing, filth, profanity, swearing, profanity, white supremacism, drug promotion, sexual themes and swearing, I find it nothing less than appaling that Microsoft would force Nintendo into selling them Rave so that they can encourage them to fufil their intense, heroin-fuelled desires.

I would expect that such a game, once again, clearly marketed at nine year olds, would be full of the quality and entertainment that can be found in entertaining films such as ‘The Passion of The Christ’, ‘Casablanca’, ‘Eyes Wide Shut’, and ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’, but instead we are treated to the equivalent of visual and auaral vomit. The game was in fact so obscene that I had to give my nephew a severe beating for six consecutive hours to remind him that the Lord is the only being that can save him from such vile, horrendous sin.

Ethel J. Roberts
Author & Critic

Halo 2 (Xbox game)
The “best videogame ever made”, according to thousands of people who really don’t play many videogames.

DISGRACEFUL
I bought this game for my 14-year-old niece, Annabel, based on the recommendation of the gentleman at the local “Electric Boutique” store. Given the strength of his praise, I would have expected the game to at least function. But my 14-year-old niece’s computer couldn’t play it, even with a Pentium Hard Drive.

This is disgusting, un-Christian behaviour typical of Microsoft. If they want my continued support as a customer, they’re going to have to start testing their products.

Ethel J. Roberts
Author & Critic

Britney Spears – Greatest Hits: My Prerogative (CD)
Based on the acclaimed stage play by the late Orson Welles.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN (OR ADULTS!!!!)
I knew nothing of Brittanny Spears’s music career, but with the huge following from the “MTV X-treme Generation”, I assumed she’d at least have some talent. Not so. I was also hasty enough to believe music aimed at boys and girls aged 5-15 would be suitable for that demographic. Again, it seems I’ve missed something. Apparently pornography is now suitable for all ages.

How did a bright young girl from the Mickey Mouse Club stoop so low as to parade her unmentionables around in front of impressionable young children? The album cover isn’t the only offensive thing about this album. Miss Spears’s lyrics are no better. “Me Against The Music Featuring Madonna” promotes anarchy, and “Overprotected” overtly encourages birth control. Who knows what permanent damage this alleged “music” is doing to the children of today. My 14-year-old nephew, Norman, only started wearing midrif-exposing tops after I bought this CD for him.

I for one will be burning this album and sending the melted remains back to Sony. I suggest all other God-fearing aficionados of good taste do the same.

Ethel J. Roberts
Author & Critic

Postal 2: Share The Pain (PC game)
Because sometime’s it’s easier to annoy parent groups than to make a good game.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
I have ordered this game for my 14-year-old twins, Ernie and Martha. Both will be starting weekend work at the local post office, and I must applaud the developers for taking a risk and making a mail delivery simulator. While I haven’t seen the game yet, I feel I can comfortably recommend it to fellow Christians fed up with the endless wave of violent, drug-promoting pornography passing for entertainment in these troubled times.

However, I must object to the choice of color on the cover. Blood-red implies allegience to Communism – hardly the sort of ideology one should expose to impressionable young children. I’d hate for people to get the impression this game is unsuitable.

Ethel J. Roberts
Author & Critic

Fiestaware Tangerine 490 6-Inch Bud Vase (Ceramic vase)
Yep.

FINELY CRAFTED, BUT APPROACH WITH CAUTION
I appreciate a good Fiestaware vase as much as the next person, but I must object to the shape. I want a means of storing my flowers upright, not a shameless phallic reference. I have to hide it in the closet whenever I host a Bible Study meeting!

From now on I will stick to more tastefully sculpted ceramic vases.

Ethel J. Roberts
Author & Critic

Within hours, Ms. Roberts had already hit the big time.

Invitation to be an Amazon Friend

Hi,

I noticed your review for Halo 2. I also looked at your review for Conker, Live and Reloaded. I need to clarify a few things for you. Halo 2 is an Xbox game, it is currently only available for the Xbox. It says so on the case in multiple different locations, this alone should have warned you against buying it for a computer. Do not make the mistake of determining that Microsoft doesn’t test their products when you haven’t properly educated yourself first. Also, do not leave it up to the people at Electronics Boutique to inform you. As a consumer, it is your responsibility to educate yourself on the products you buy.

By the way, there is no such thing as a pentium hard drive, A pentium 4 processor is what actually causes the computer to run at a certain speed, a hard drive is a storage unit. Again, become educated before you point the finger of ignorance at others. This leads me to my next issue with your reviews, You bought Conker, Live and Reloaded for your 14-year-old nephew? And then beat him for using the gift that YOU gave him? You DO realise that your nephew being exposed to that game is YOUR fault, not Microsoft’s, and most definitly not your nephew’s fault. You, again, failed to educate yourself, you would have found that Conker, Live and Reloaded is a Mature rated game, not intended for children under the age of 17. You would have also learned that the game contains vulgarity, pornography, sexual themes, profanity and intense violence. Do yourself a favor, research what you are buying before you waste your money and then stop reviewing things that you don’t understand.

Please don’t accept my friend request, I just wanted to inform you of just how far off base you are.

A concerned review reader,

Dave Barney

To accept this invitation, please follow the link below and click on the Accept Invitation button:

One click later, Ethel had made her first internet friend! It looks like our favourite moral mercenery has a bright future on Amazon.com!

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