The Chicken Feed

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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”

……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart

Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.

How do you get Sesame Street?

Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.

Rosearik Rikki Simmons

(Voiced GIR in the cult cartoon Invader Zim. A multitalented comic artist, writer and painter.)

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=Sesame+Street,+New+York&btnG=Search&t=k

-Rikki

Ben: Rikki has not only given us a great start by giving us a reference point, but also by gracing us with his email presence. Which is awesome.

Bob McGrath

(The much-admired “Bob” on Sesame Street, and the longest serving human actor on the show.)

Personally, I take the George Washington and Triboro Bridge to Queens! …however, as the song suggests….”It’s a Magic Carpet Ride”…you might try that for starters! Thanks for your nice comments on my work, and as Jim Henson always said..”Have Fun”

Ben: They make bridges from former presidents and acoustic vocal trios? That’s obscene! The magic carpet is probably the better alternative as this way I won’t feel guilty by walking over the corpse of a cherry tree-chopping president.

Warwick Davis

(Famous dwarf actor. Played Wicket the Ewok in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Professor Flitwick in the Harry Potter films and Willow in Willow)

Hi Alastair

Warwick was pleased to hear from you and reads ALL his fan mail but as he is so very busy he has asked me to reply to you . Warwick says you have posed quite a question, one he is not sure of the answer to. Warwick says he always thought that the way to get to Sesame Street was through the Television Programme……….. and that was the whole point………… you had to watch to get to Sesame Street……………. Only an idea Warwick says and just his idea.

Warwick says he is glad that you have enjoyed Star Wars and Willow over the years and just maybe you will like his answer to your question.

Warwick sends you his best wishes for 2006

Ben: Warwick’s kind assistant left us a total of 44 full stops in his reply. 43 full stops would be no cause for concern, but 44? That’s just eerie. There must be a deeper meaning here. There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. There is no forty-forth letter for the alphabet, obviously, but if we split the number, we get 4 and 4, or DD. Coincidentally, “DD” was an abbreviation for the popular beat-em-up, Double Dragon. Which took place amongst other places (and this, I think, will blow your mind)… on the STREET. Whoa.

Stuart Drummond, formerly H’Angus the Monkey

(The Mayor of Hartlepool, UK. Found international fame by running for election as a man in a monkey suit… and winning.)

Easy! Simply turn left onto Coronation Street, straight on for about two miles, take a right into Shortland Street, pass Ramsay Street and it’s on your left. Failing that, a load of drugs might help.

Ben: Those directions are far too complicated for me, so I think option B is the better solution, to be honest.

Keith R.A. DeCandido

(Science fiction author. Penned tie-in novels for Star Trek, Buffy, Spider-Man, Farscape and World of Warcraft, plus the recent novelisation of Joss Whedon’s Serenity)

Practice.

Stefan Doroschuk of Men Without Hats

(Performed the 1982 international synth-pop hit “The Safety Dance”.)

LSD.

Ben: What if I just practice with LSD instead and kill two rainbow-exploding dolphins with one conversable beach ball?

Double Fine

(Brilliant, funny, intelligent and attractive developers who created the excellent game Psychonauts. Headed by the brilliant, funny, intelligent and attractive Tim Schafer.)

As the song says later on, “It’s a magic carpet ride…”

http://members.tripod.com/Tiny_Dancer/sstheme.html

Which I think means you have to take mushrooms to get there.

Let me know if you need any more information!

Sincerely,

Info Cow

Ben: The ever-awesome Info Cow has an excellent response, as usual. However, I can’t help but feel that there’s something more to the Sesame Street theme song that I’m missing. Hmm. Apparently there are subliminal messages if you play certain songs backwards, so just for a laugh, let’s see what we get from the Sesame Street Theme Song.

My God. This is mindblowing.

For the first fifteen seconds, we fade in, hearing children chanting:

“Eeeeek! “Sin!” says Sue’s neighbours, *WHACK*”

Between 0:16 and 0:18, we hear the words:

“Neighbours dying, masticate”

But the real revelation arrives between 0:19 and 0:24, where we hear:

“Feed me whales, there’s so many left”

This reveals the only possible conclusion that can be deduced from these obvious clues – The Japanese want you to feed them whales, subliminally suggesting that they are not in danger of extinction. “Sue’s Neighbours” obviously refers to a code name for Japan. “Sin!” they cry, revealing their heinous intentions right from the get-go. And what do they intend to do after they’ve speared their dying whales? That too, is quite obvious: WHACK.

At 0:16, the Japanese are gently persuading you with a subliminal message – the “Neighbours”, or Japanese are dying from their lack of whale meat, and want to eat. Of course this is nonsense – Japanese could clearly survive on Wasabi or something, but the whole point of a subliminal message is that it is a lie.

And finally, another subliminal lie – “Feed me whales, there’s so many left”. This one is a bit more difficult to swallow, but because of the carefully crafted previous message, you won’t think it’s so outrageous as they will have suggested that they are dying from their false lack of whale meat, evoking sympathy with the listener.

Info Cow, I think we’ve discovered something BIG here.

Wendee Lee

(American voice actor. Roles include Faye Valentine in Cowboy Bebop -pictured- and various Power Rangers characters.)

I’m pretty sure it’s just over the rainbow and a hop-skip-and-a-jump to the left of your imagination. That’s what I always heard. ^_^

Ben: Wendee finishes her reply with “^_^”. Or should that be…. “Short Long Short”? In Morse Code, Short Long Short is “R”. Which would clearly stand for “Revolutionist Government”. In Japan in the year 1858, the Meiji Revolution took place. What is Japan infamous for? WHALE MEAT.

Erik Klein

(Played Elvis in the North Texas Television show Elvis and Slick Monty.)

Although I’ve never tried I think it may be a hint for a password to get “in” to sesame street. Not unlike trying to get into an illegal chinese brothel.

Ben: What, kind of like the “Is this is five…then what’s this?” puzzle in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge? Blast, I could never do that one without the cheat sheet.

Greg Wells

(Prominenent pop songwriter / producer / musician. Performed with Ozzy Ozbourne and k.d. lang. Penned the song “Screwed”, as performed by Paris Hilton, Haylie Duff and our very own Glancy)

Truly one of the great conundrums.

However, in the song “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?”, they never divulge “take the 101 North”.

It’s, like, a state of mind.

Ben: LSD is looking more and more like the most accurate way of getting to Sesame Street.

Bert

(Sesame Street resident. Enjoys oatmeal, collecting bottle caps and birdwatching.)

Hello Alastair,

This is your friend Bert sending you an E-mail letter.

You asked me what I like to eat. Well, I’ll tell you, one of my favorite things to eat is a big bowl of steaming oatmeal. That’s right, oatmeal. It’s hot. It’s mushy. It’s not too spicy. Oatmeal is really extra-good on a cold winter morning after Ernie decides to store his snowball collection in my bed…while I’m still in it. Ha ha.

It’s important for people to eat a balance of different kinds of foods. Some of my monster friends on Sesame Street eat some strange things. Let’s go see what they’re eating. Who should we go visit? We can see Big grouch, bird Monster, or Oscar the cookie?

To see the picture surprise of one of my hungry Sesame Street friends, just write down one of these three keywords (grouch, bird, cookie) and enter your keyword at

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/sesamestreet/mail/sspo/

Your pal,

Bert

Ben: Why, it’s Bert! Hope your bottlecap collection is coming along nicely. Yes, I asked Alastair to ask you about what you ate in the hopes that we could work out where you purchase it from, and where the store gets its deliveries from so that we could track down the location of Sesame Street by narrowing down the list of possible routes that the delivery trucks take when delivering their products to your local store.

So, you purchase Oatmeal, eh? I see. Well, you wouldn’t be purchasing Uncle Toby’s oats, because from what I understand, that’s not available in America (I’ve narrowed Sesame Street down to that general vicinity). So the only other alternative must be Quaker Oats, right? The Quaker Oats company is located in Chicago, Illanois. Now to link it back to our good friend Rosearik Rikki Simons and use Google Maps…and we get…

AH HAH! There it is:

Sesame Street, Franklin Park, Illanois.

No, wait a minute. You’re probably more of an Arrowhead Mills kind of person, aren’t you, Bert? Oh well, back to the drawing board. Let’s press on, shall we?

Robbie Rist

(Played Cousin Oliver in the final season of The Brady Bunch. Voiced Michaelangelo in the Ninja Turtles movies.)

Practice, man. Practice.

Ben: To the casual reader, you’d think that Robbie is just telling us to practice. But no – there’s actually much more to it than that. “Prac” is also known as shorthand for “Practical Exam”. “Tice” can also be read “Tiss”, which is half of the word “Tissue”. The only plausible explanation is that Mr. Rist is suggesting that Sesame Street is between a the Science Block of a school and a Tissue Paper Manufacturer.

David Lovering

(The drummer for indie rock darlings the Pixies. Moonlights as a “Scientific Phenomenalist” – a science based musical stage magician.)

To answer your question: In Los Angeles, exit the 110 freeway and travel east on Sepulveda. Exit at Vermont Ave. and travel north to Coriander. At the end of Coriander you’ll hit Sesame St.

Hope this helps.

Magically and sincerely yours,

David Lovering

Ben: In the Area 51 level of the Nintendo 64 game Perfect Dark, The Pixies are referred to over the loudspeakers! In particular, Dr. Lovering is asked to “phone autopsy”. In Japan, they autopsy whales… FOR WHALE MEAT.

Terry McGovern

(Actor, voiceover artist and DJ. Voiced Launchpad McQuack from DuckTales and Darkwing Duck, said “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” in Star Wars and coined the word “Wookiee”.)

Ben: At first, it seems like an innocent enough answer. However, as you will see, Terry is revealing that there is more there for those who look. And I am looking as much as a wheezing nearsighted grandmother with a funny squint. That seems to imply that I have suddenly added sixty years to my life, as well as somehow managed to become a woman. So let me point out that I meant this all metaphorically. In that, while I haven’t actually become an old grandmother, I am looking very critically at the answer – as much as a grandmother who has to scrutinise everything carefully before she is satisfied for the answer.

She also has a funny squint.

Actually, nevermind the squint, as it’s not really relevant to the metaphor and instead only causes confusion.

In fact, ignore the whole grandmother thing altogether. How about: I am looking as carefully as a prostitute does for her next client.

There. Gets the point across much better, I think.

Wait, what was this all referring to? Damn. Now I’ve forgotten.

Joe Dolce

(Performed the novelty 1980 hit “Shaddap You Face”, the most successful song in Australian history. Now a respected folk and gospel musician.)

I think I might be able to help you with the Sesame St enquiry.

Sesame Street is located in Bear Valley, Ketchikan, on the western coast of Revillagigedo Island, near the southernmost boundary of ALASKA. It is 235 miles south of Juneau. The 2.2 million acre Misty Fiords National Monument lies 22 air miles east of Ketchikan. It is the first Alaska port of call for northbound cruise ships and State ferries. The city encompasses 3 square miles of land and 1 square miles of water. The borough encompasses 1,220 square miles of land and 524 square miles of water. The latitude is 55° 20’ 57”, and the longitude is –131° 38’ 42”. The ground elevation is 330 meters and is suburban and residential.

Please see attached map. That should get you there.

Bring a jacket. It can get nippy.

cheers

Joe

Ben: I went to Alaska to search, but as the attatched map didn’t load, I got lost and ended up here:

This is especially strange as Wodonga is near the border of Victoria and New South Wales in Australia. Um.

Noam Chomsky

(Hugely influential scholar, linguist, political activist, social analyst, media critic and author of over thirty books. Worshiped by numerous left-wing students.)

Interesting question, but haven’t a clue, I’m afraid.

Ben: Let us take a five minute recess while we observe the beauty of a haiku from our very own Glancy:

“Sesame Street” is

Just too many syllables

For a good haiku

It is also available in spoken word form. In true art nouveaux style, it is missing a syllable. This was certainly not a mistake.

Let’s press on:

Ash McGrath

(Plays for the Brisbane Lions in the Australian Football League.)

I can tell you how to get there. There is a Sesame Street at Slacks Creek. You need to get on the Pacific Motorway and head towards the Gold Coast. Take a right at the Loganlea Road exit and then take a sharp right onto the Pacific Highway. After about 100m, take a left onto Elonera Drive. Follow that to the end, turn left and, then my friend, you would have found Sesame Street.

Ben: On the Amiga videogame system, there was a title called ‘Brian the Lion’, where you controlled a lion whose name was Brian. Brian needed to rescue his friend Chris the Crystal (I’m not making this up, honest) from the evil Geeza the Dragon. If you had two copies of Brian the Lion, there would be two lions. There would also be two dragons. Essentially, you’d get a Double Dragon.

It’s all falling into place.

Kenny Kramer

(Former neighbour of Seinfeld co-creator Larry David who became the real life inspiration for television’s Cosmo Kramer.)

Sorry but I have no idea how to get to Sesame Street other than to turn on the TV

Ben: DID YOU KNOW?

36.36% of Kenny’s reply was reused from his previous answer for The Mystery of The Grimace?

…Well, it is!

Aaron Allston

(Excellent, often hilarious author best known for his excellent, often hilarious Star Wars novels.)

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/sesamestreet/.

Of course, when Sesame Street first debuted, there was no World Wide Web, so they couldn’t put the URL in the lyrics. By the time there was one, tradition kept them from amending the lyrics — tradition, and the restrictions of trying to deal with the scansion of a URL too long to fit in a single line of those lyrics.

Life is hard sometimes.

Ben: One of Mr. Allston’s characters is called Garik “Face” Loran. And who just happens to have a face? THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN. And what does he eat with his face? I think you’ll all agree with me when I say… WHALE MEAT.

Leigh Loveday

(Comic genius and webmaster for popular videogame developers Rare Ltd. Creator of Mr. Pants, pictured.)

Sesame Street? I didn’t think it was actually possible to get to Sesame Street – I was always convinced the whole thing was a trip into Mr. Hooper’s unsavoury subconscious, like in The Cell, except Mr. Hooper was never openly depicted as a serial killer and didn’t daydream about live horses being chopped up. It was still a bit of a flesh-creeping experience though, especially when Mr. Hooper dropped dead and everything just carried on. I didn’t know if that meant my theory was wrong or merely that Mr. Hooper was greater than death.

Ben: Okay, I know this might be a bit far-fetched, but stay with me here: Sesame Street is one massive parallel world, not unlike Subcon from Super Mario Bros. 2, only there aren’t gigantic screaming masks trying to kill you when you open doors and giant red snakes don’t pop out of jars to vomit bullets at you. Because the world of Sesame Street is almost identical to our own, we have a subliminal connection to it.

…No, wait, that can’t be right. If that’s the case, then how is it even possible to get to Sesame Street? Technically, we’d already be there.

The Solution

What we have here are varying, inconsistent locations of where Sesame Street is. Are these people all filthy liars? No. Are they just plain wrong? No. In fact, they are ALL correct. What I’ve managed to deduce is that for you to make your way to Hooper’s Store and the location where felt fruits sing about nutrition, you must enter a warp in the very fabric of space/time.

Coincidentally, each warp is located in every Sesame Street around the world. And also whenever you see the words ‘Sesame Street’ on television. And magic carpets, they’re warps too. Totally. (Didn’t you ever play Super Mario Bros. 2? Oh wait, that was the jars and the giant bird heads that swallowed you. But it had a magic carpet in it, and that’s practically the exact same thing.)

So how do the Japanese fit in? It’s quite simple. They’ve known about Sesame Street for years. But the Government is trying to keep a lid on it. Seriously, how much mass hysteria do you think there would be if people knew that the Japanese could just pop in and out of our reality to swipe whales by plonking a television on an abandoned oil rig in the middle of the ocean and keeping it tuned to the Children’s Television Workshop?

And so solved The Mystery of the Latitude and/or Longditude of Sesame Street.

Conspiracy cracking and celebrity spamming by Ben K and Alastair Craig.
Awesome closing artwork by Andy Webb.

Thanks to all who took the time to contribute!

More Celebrity Burning Questions:
Why does the sun shine?
What do the birds and the bees do?
What is The Grimace?

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