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Chad Surname is the MAN for YOU!

Posted on July 12th, 2004 by Andrey Summers

Hello, Ladies. If you’re like me, then you’re male, in which case stop reading now, but if you’re a single woman between the ages of 17 and 21, then perk up your ears and pluck out your eyebrows, because have I ever got a surprise for you.

Chad Surname

Areas of interest encircled in red for your convenience.

His name, Ladies, is Chad Surname, and now, finally, your nineteen-year long wait is over, because he is ready to date you!

Do you find yourself harassed by friends, relatives, and strangers about the lack of a solid, sturdy man in your life?

Do you wander aimlessly around the kitchen, cooking things and wishing that a burly male would burst through the window on a well-endowed stallion, and take you away to a crimson palace where he would do sexual things to you, like holding hands and watching the Discovery Channel?

Have you been alone so long that you feel a strange flame ignite inside you, even when you watch historical footage of Premier Khrouschev kissing Soviet Generals on the cheek?

Are you sexy, and a little short-sighted?

Chad Surname could be just what your life has been missing!

Ladies, dating Chad Surname is an experience unlike any currently available on this planet, outside some secluded, exotic locations in the Gulf of Thailand. His unique personality paralyzed the Nature VS Nurture debate in early 1998, when he proved that he’d been born naturally predisposed to being conditioned by women. (Note: Chad Surname is also not against being moisturized by women, but only if it’s fruit-scented).

Chad Surname has had two girl-friends in the past, both of whom left him upon realizing that they were far too flawed to share a bed with the atomic superpower glowing like kryptonite inside Chad’s warm, giving heart. Weeping into a small, metallic tin, ex-girlfriend Selma Blair says of Chad,

“I make movies.”

Her regret at not being a good enough person to date Chad Surname, and her respect for him is apparent even after all this time.

But of course, Chad Surname knows that you are still skeptical. Women, before committing to any sort of long-term relationship, require a rough idea of two facts, and Chad Surname knows exactly what they are.

a) How much will he spend on me.
b) What will he do for me?

Well, Ladies, to answer your first question, no price is too high for Chad Surname. Chad is given a sizeable government grant every year, to allow scientists to continue studying his abnormally small ego, and will, of course, spend it all on you. If you’ve never ridden an elephant through a crowded intersection, crushing society underfoot, while eating individually-poured chocolates from the skull of a human, then obviously you’re not used to the kind of luxury you’ll experience while dating Chad Surname.

In addition to this, Chad is also the owner of the world’s only Entirely Black Diamond. This rare jewel, said to be the crystallized soul of the world’s first lawyer, is kept under lock and key somewhere in an abandoned Military Base, but needless to say that once he has secured your affections, Chad Surname will not think twice about placing this terrifyingly beautiful jewel around your trembling neck.

And how much will Chad Surname do for you? All that can be said is “a lot”, but if you require a rough outline of his capabilities, lets take a look at Chad’s history of Doing Things For People.

  • In his quest to end the centuries-old Jihad between puppies and kittens, Chad Surname has donated to science his entire research on cross-breeding the two species, to create a creature that is small, frail, dumb, and heavily dependant on humans.

  • Chad buys flowers for old ladies without any apparent provocation, and then follows them home, to make sure they don’t abuse the flowers in any way. Chad Surname cares about everything!

  • Chad Surname spent three weeks in Kyoto, hand-picking every J-pop single that was included in Nintendo’s bongo drum simulator, Donkey Konga!

  • When Carlos Santana was looking for a singer for his new hit single, to follow in the footsteps of such big names as Rob Thomas, and Dave Matthews, Chad Surname punched him in the mouth and told him to best be steppin’.

  • Chad Surname fought for his country’s freedom in the Pacific, and halted the Nazi advance 17 kilometers from the Kremlin in 1942. Chad Surname found moors for the coffin-ships and removed the shackles from the ghetto.

  • Chad Surname won a Tony for his play, Cats.

  • Chad Surname saw a canary, and killed it to put it out of its misery.

Chad was onced turned down from a job because a Google search for his name yielded an erotic pillow branded with his name at the Rubber Chicken’s online store.

Yet this article remains. Go figure.

Still not convinced? You drive a hard bargain, Ladies. But to win you over, Chad Surname is even prepared to finally speak about himself to the press! That’s right. For the first time in years, a candid interview with the man and myth himself can be witnessed right here on [please insert the title of your publication]!

[your publication]: So Chad, rumor has it you’re single again. Can one woman ever be enough for a man like you?

Surname: Actually, _____, I’m not single yet. I will be in a week. That’s when Gwenyth is tying the knot.

[your publication]: Your long-time A-list girlfriend is getting married??

Surname: Polite laugh No, no, when I said tying the knot, I meant suicide. You know. “Hanging out” in the attic. Being a “Noose”ance.

[your publication]: Ha ha ha, oh Chad, you’re a riot. I am such a fan.

Surname: And I am such a fan of hot girls.

[your publication]: What parts in particular?

Surname: The hot parts.

So there you have it, Ladies! Right from the horse’s mouth! Chad Surname has been described as a “dreamboat”, a “love-muffin”, a “sugar-puss”, and even “vaguely polite, even if he does stare a lot”. All of these things can be yours, and yours alone! Don’t miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

If you think you are good enough for Chad, please get in touch through the below form, or visit him at the University of North Texas.

Ugly girls need not apply. And remember- dress sexy.

Related Links
“SexChat” with the Formless Underlord of the Crimson Kingdom

Hear Chad’s soothing baritone vocal stylings on The Rubber Chicken Podcast

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