If there’s one thing you can’t accuse George Lucas of, it’s poor marketing. The merchandising blitz promoting The Phantom Menace was huge – even larger if you happened to be an ant at the time. Even so, certain Star Wars merchandise fell by the wayside, gathering dust faster than anything out of Hoover Labs.
It’s news to me, but apparently not everybody enjoyed the antics of Jar Jar Binks. Why? Maybe the ironic juxtaposition of an unashamedly comedic character in a serious fantasy universe was too much for deeply-invested fans to handle. Maybe he lacked the charismatic mysteriousness of Boba Fett or the sex appeal of Bib Fortuna. Or maybe he was just fucking annoying.
For whatever reason, unwanted Jar Jar merchandise can still be found in bargain bins everywhere. Unwanted, that is, until now.
I stumbled upon one such bargain bin at Tom’s Confectionary Warehouse, South-East Queensland’s finest attraction this side of the Big Pineapple. The treasure I found inside cannot be expressed by words. Unless, perhaps, I make them very, very big.
THE JAR JAR BINKS LOLLY.
Just look at it. What isn’t there to love about this piece of dentally damaging confectionary? Quite a bit, now you mention it. From the shoddy, uneven packaging to the mould of jelly loosely resembling Jar Jar’s face, this is a delightfully flawed product. As soon as I saw it, I knew the ultimate purpose of my existence was to buy it, take it home, and write about it in a not-at-all-like-Matt-from-X-Entertainment.com-way. I snatched the nearest packet that wasn’t open and leaking, and before you could say “Exqueeeeeze me” I was forking out my hard-earned ten cents at the counter.
Once the excitement had worn off the following week, I was left feeling confused and slightly itchy. Now I had achieved my lifelong dream, what was I to do with this four-year-old candy? Its preservatives could very well have evolved into a breed of food poisoning that hasn’t even been named yet, so eating was not only out of the question. In fact, had the question been asked Mexico, the possibility of eating it would be somewhere near Pluto. There had to be a million and one other uses for it. Give or take one or two or nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-seven.
Use #1: Important Looking Collectable Thing
It doesn’t take much to excite a hardened Star Wars collector. Write “Star Wars” on a box of tissues with a magic marker and you could make a fortune on eBay. The item doesn’t even have to be valuable. So long as it’s vaguely Starwarsish, in its original packaging and looks good on a bedroom shelf, people will assume it’s extremely rare and say things like “oh my, is that an unopened AT-ST action set?” or “my goodness, that Kit Fisto Kondom is in remarkably good condition!”
The Jar Jar Binks Lolly proves you don’t need to spend outrageous amounts of money to look like a geek with no social life.
Use #2: Belt Buckle
School formals. Prom nights. Whatever you call them, school graduation ceremonies are always littered with regret. Regret about your choice of partner. Regret about your complete lack of a partner. Regret about having that seventh drink at the party afterwards, and doing whatever you did next, although you can’t quite remember what, exactly, you did, or why the name “Francis” is now tattooed on your left buttock. My only regret was not having one of these on the occasion:
With the Jar Jar Binks Edible Belt Buckle, you’ll be the bell of the ball! It’s the only fashion accessory guaranteed to be COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE for ANY occasion, including but not limited to: general social events, fancy dress parties, gaming nights, buying the morning paper, or even auditioning for a Shakespearean theatre role! No matter what the scenario, you are certain to get strange looks from every human being you come into contact with! And for only ten Australian cents? Now THAT’S value!
Use #3: Guitar Decoration
If you spot a Jar Jar Binks Lolly, seize the chance. Being modelled off one of the most annoying characters to come out of modern pop-culture in years gives it an irritating edge that’s sure to grate the nerves of anyone within a three-metre radius. This, combined with its dubious edibility, makes it the perfect object to leave lying around inconspicuously to frustrate and infuriate friends and family alike. Even so, there’s something strangely alluring about the Jar Jar Binks Lolly that makes one reluctant to throw it away. Just when you’re fed up with it, you look at it. You look once more at the unconvincing jelly likeness of Jar Jar. You look at the shoddily cut packet edges. You look at the smile …that hypnotic smile… which, for the briefest of fractions of that fleeting glance, grins knowingly at you, only you, as if to say: I’m here to stay.
And then I woke up and it was all a dream.
Why The Hell Not: The Official Jar Jar Binks Lolly Wallpaper
More Outdated Candy and Star Wars
Growing Pains Trading Cards & Gum from 1988
Media Hoax: John Rhys-Davies in Star Wars Episode III
Jar Jar Binks Poetry
The Jar Jar Binks Sombrero