The Chicken Feed

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Dogs of Console War

Posted on November 25th, 2006 by Andrey Summers

As usually happens when HappyBob nips out to take the air, the website falls into what one might politely call a slumber. This time, however, having tasted the exhilirating zest of podcasting, Ben and I find ourselves feeling guilty.

Guilty, if you’ll believe it, about neglecting YOU. Yes, you, sole remaining reader/listener.

With this in mind, we’ve returned to the archaic medium of the written word, in order to do epic battle over which console is the spunkiest: PS3, or Nintendo Wii.

Oh you’d best be ready, son. You’d best be ready.

Much the same way we go to war in Iraq every few years, the western world routinely experiences a cyclical conflict known as the Console War. This bitter feud sees loyalists of various newly-released videogame consoles performing blood-sacrifice to their virtual gods, and generally badmouthing the competition of their sovereign videogame system.

Last weekend, the Nintendo Wii and PlayStation 3 were released, heralding another round of bitter conflict. Is it surprising that even your beloved TRC editors found themselves at odds? I think not. We generally hate each-other as it is:

The first PlayStation 3 model unveiled at E3 2005.

Hey, I can’t chat. I’m heading out to line up.

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Oh really, for the PS3, right?

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Hahahaha. Right. “The PS3″. Hahahaha.

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What? It’s a quality machine. And it’s black, you can’t go wrong with black. It keeps the heat in. Or out. I forget.

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I know it’s black. Meanwhile, the Wii, which is MY system of choice and that of any forth-thinking young westerner, is white. And white, my friend, is “not wrong”.

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So basically, the Wii is racist, then.

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It’s not racist. Its flagship title is Zelda, which stars a gay Chinaman.

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Any modern and open minded individual would surely be choosing the PS3, for its vast lineup of games. An astounding three, last time I counted.

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Yeah, well, some people are less interested in staggering software-count, good graphics and powerful hardware, and MORE interested in waving a remote around for hours. If there’s one thing a Nintendo fan has in spades, it’s upper-body musculature.

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Oh please. By having less movement sensitivity than the Wii, the PS3 controller is much easier for the average hardcore gamer to pick up and play. Movement in every direction? That’s far too confusing for your average jock.

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Fine. Granted. But let me trump your unwise choice with the following 3 magic words: No Dvd Player. That’s right, the Wii won’t be confusing ANY jocks with trying to distinguish between two basic home entertainment avenues. In your FACE.

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Hah, but you seem to have forgotten – the PS3 won’t actually be using DVDs, which are positively last generation. Instead, it will use Blu Ray discs, which are blue, thus matching the devillishly suave black exterior. Also, it’s the size of a laser disc, allowing for even more space to create larger games.

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Well…uh…um…the Wii’s NAME is laden with so many laters of meaning, its announcement was accompanied with an essay. PS3, meanwhile, sounds kind-of like PISS har har. Wii’s name is impervious to mockery.

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Okay, fine. You’ve got me there. But the PS3 is able to connect up to the PSP, which has never been done before by any system ever. You can even use your PSP as a rear view mirror for driving games, like Gran Turismo 4, which was on the PS2, but is better now, because it’s in HDMI!

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Wii will not support Hi-Def because Shigeru Miyamoto says that the future of games has nothing to do with good graphics, original story telling, or the internet. I believe him because he is the creator of Nintendogs.

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While Nintendo can think of innovative games where you touch dogs’ testicles and poison their food, they have yet to create a game actually based on Japanese history. PS3 does have such a game, Genji: Days of the Blade, which is heavily based on realism, back when Samurai warriors would ride giant enemy crabs to battle.

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The only Wii game I know for certain exists is Zelda. And that’s also being released for Gamecube with identical graphics. So “Why buy a Wii?” is like a sophisticated RIDDLE Nintendo fans have been asked to solve. I think buying one is the first step. If only Sony offered such mental stimulation, eh?

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I think you’re just jealous. Jealous of the PS3′s identical-to-previous-consoles-yet-obviously-better-looking graphics. Why bother worrying about gameplay when the graphics are this good? The Final Fantasy series (a PlayStation exclusive, I might add) has proven this time and again – why bother creating unique, refreshing gameplay?

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The Next Generation of graphics is here

Hold your horses, pal. Let me remind you that the only Wii title in existence worth uttering out loud – Zelda – is going to be the same as every other Zelda game ever? I can not WAIT for some next-gen Fishing. I hear Waiting For Permission to Mash a Button is far more rewarding in the HD Era.

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I think the only person that will be attempting to “hold their horses” by flailing their arms wildly in all directions is YOU, my friend.

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Granted, it’s not as elegant as having a giant flashing exclamation mark shriek into existence above your head, but Link’s plastic sex-doll appeal has become a staple of the series, and like every Nintendo fan, I fear and hate change.

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I’ll have you know that the two minutes of interaction that I got with the latest Metal Gear Solid game was the most intense experience of my life. I can’t wait to play as Solid Snake with arthritis and use a walking frame to dispatch my enemies. Hideo Kojima is a genius, there can be no room for doubt.

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Well Shigeru “Hideo Kojima” Miyamoto is no slouch either. Why, just recently he unveiled a Mario game that will be released at some point and involve collecting items in an environment of some sort. As far as I can understand. Holy shit, sign me up.

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Pfft. Why play Super Mario Hernia when you could instead be playing Yu “Shigeru ‘Hideo Kojima’ Miyamoto” Suzuki’s newly reinvented Sonic the Hedgehog, which features a frighteningly realistic-looking Dr. Theodore “Eggman” Roosevelt, and a new, old, white hedgehog, cleverly named ‘Silver’? I know I’m hyped for this exclusive (except for Xbox 360) title, which has recently been delayed.

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Yeah, well Wii heightened MY expectations by only supplying local game stores with like 30 units, most of them already reserved. I’m also saved from having to camp out in an embarrasing line of shame, since there’s no telling when enough consoles will actually be supplied to sate normal customers.

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Thirty units? Clearly Nintendo knows nothing about good business sense. The PlayStation 3 has a total of one unit allocated for the US launch. Demand will increase, supply will not be able to keep up, and everybody wins. You have to spend money to make money.

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Okay, so maybe Nintendo can’t weave a console from old business adages and limericks, the way Sony can, but at least the Wii offers downloadable versions of old games you owned decades ago! No other system will allow you to once again pay money for games you already bought, back when they were considered playable!

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Hah! Sony sees your trump card and raises the stakes! With the amazing PlayStation 3, users can place their previous PlayStation games, roll a dice, and see if the game they inserted will actually work! Backwards compatability is an entertaining game in itself! Will it work? Won’t it work? WHO KNOWS! And if that’s not enough, you can download selected crippled PlayStation 1 games onto your PSP, for a modest fee, of course. Enjoy razor-sharp polygons in portable, crippled form!

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Why take games with you into the world, when you can have the WORLD brought to YOU? The Wii offers obscure Japanese news and vague weather reports streamed 24 hours a day directly to your videogame console. I’m never going outside, or using a TV/computer again!

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My sentiments exactly.

Why stop at simple weather REPORTS? With its built in weather transmogrifyer, the PlayStation 3 can CONTROL the weather, all from the comfort of your very own lounge chair with your wireless controller! Flash floods, freak blizzards, heatwaves – all of these events are at your fingertips! And with the ability to browse the internet and make all of your purchases online, you’ll never need to leave your house to experience the horrific weather conditions that you have created! Now THAT’S the future of gaming.

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The Wii allows you to use motion sensor technology to shape a small Hispanic child from clay and molasses. Hear him laugh. Watch him dance. If it displeases you, you can end it all.

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The PlayStation 3 allows you to create an awkward-looking replica of the Hispanic child using its limited motion control sensitivity! Create a horrific child with ears bigger than its elbows! Put its nose on its anus so that it can smell its own feces! The limited opportunities are limitless with the power of the PlayStation 3!

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Touche. Fine. But the Wii is smaller than the PS3. So much smaller that you can fit eighty-nine thousand Wii’s onto the head of a pin, and even then you can hide that pin anywhere on your entertainment center and there’ll still be room for your cable-box and your pirated multi-system DVD player.

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The PlayStation 3 may be size and shape of an extra large George Foreman grill, but that is only because it has the UNLIMITED POTENTIAL of a George Foreman Grill! Knock out the fat from your favourite steak, and experience the never-ending rollercoaster of emotions when you create a grilled cheese sandwich. The PlayStation 3 can also control human emotion. Force your significant other to do your bidding! Commit murder, rape, embezzlement, all from the privacy of your own home! It’s like the internet, only more interactive and anti-social!

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The Nintendo Wii will add inches to your penis, and ships with a free university diploma. It will also, if operated correctly, broadcast a hologram pinpointing the map to the fountain of eternal youth.

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Each PlayStation 3 has been officially certified by Professor Stephen Hawking. Create your own personal black hole! Consume worlds, destroy suns! Anything is possible with the unmatched potential of the PlayStation 3! Also, it will let you have endless sex with every gorgeous woman across time and space ever, endlessly, without any moral repurcussions.

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With the Wii’s wireless remote, and its array of plug-ins and strategically-placed buttons, the casual gamer can finally take control of time itself. Wield the ebbing, invisible tide that shaped the stars and heaved civilization from the molten depths. Fold the future onto the past, and send the very curve of reality spinning into nothing. Oh, and every console comes packaged with Wii Sports, FREE OF CHARGE!

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Fuck the PlayStation 3, I want to screw with the foundation of time itself. Where’s the Wii line?

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Oh, shit. How long have we been arguing?

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I don’t know – about five hours, maybe?

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Tell me again, and this time read the date on your watch as well.

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Okay. We have been arguing…oh. It’s March 12, 2041.

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PlayStation: Jerk off onto my stomach.

I was afraid of that, yeah. I guess power-mad corporations mass-producing dooms-day devices makes us vulnerable to this kind of predicament.

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True indeed. Well, I guess I’ll be heading off for the line for the Nintendo Arsebandit.

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Hold it right there. Are you implying that said Nintendo Anusrobber is BETTER than the Sony PS101101101?

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I sure am. Are you alluding to a hilarious punchline that will see us arguing about the latest video game systems, only this time supporting the opposing console manufacturer instead?

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No, no. That would only open the door to self-referential humor, and that kind of thing just makes me gag.

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