The Chicken Feed

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Your guide to forging the Perfect Taco, from the most reliable of culinary authorities: a small-time comedy website.

How do you start an article that discusses the merits of washing your drains thoroughly every two years? You don’t.

Everybody knows that Tacos are the staple of everybody’s diet. Hitler ate tacos before commiting suicide. Indiana Jones is famous for his trademark “Taco Dance” remark in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Even the second richest biped in the world (the first being Scrooge McDuck), Bill Gates, is humbled by the very thought of a taco. He purchased Taco Bell on a whim! No, wait. That was a taco. He purchased a taco on a whim.

Anyway, with all this talk of tacos, I thought it was only appropriate that I show you how I make them. I mean, what’s the point of reading this site all the time if you don’t learn something, right? I’m sure there’s logic in there somewhere. Please let me know if you find it.

Fig. 1.1: And just a pinch of Arsenic.

Fig. 1.2: Gravity defying vegetables

First thing’s first, you’ll need to cook your mince meat. I recommend minced beef, but you can use minced chicken if you like. If you don’t have minced chicken, you can use RAW HUMAN FLESH, because I’ve heard that it tastes like chicken. Get about 500 grams (yes, we’re using metric, you PLEBS) of your mince, and chuck it into a microwave safe container. Ceramic or glass is best, because plastic’s going to melt eventually, and the goddamn stuff doesn’t break down, leaving us with a polluted environment (THANKS CAPTAIN PLANET!). If you don’t have a microwave, then you’re primitive and there’s no hope for you, so you might as well just end it all now.

Once you’ve cooked the mince so it looks more like cooked meat and less like some kind of biological health hazard, drain any fat and blood and other delicious juices away. I generally dispose of it, but if you want to pour it in a glass and drink it, then go right ahead. I’m not discriminating you, you freak. After all that’s done, you’ll need to add the flavour sachet, or as they say in France, SACH-ETT (see Fig 1.1). You’ll then need to add the taco sauce, a couple of teaspoons full. Oh, and make sure you have the HOT taco sauce, you pansy. Mild, indeed.

Fig. 1.3: The Centre of the Universe

Fig. 1.4: You must use at least one jar of taco sauce per session. It’s a rule.

Stir the disturbing contents and listen to them slurp around like some kind of bowel contents. While you were cooking your meat, you should have been preparing your vegetables (see Fig 1.2), but I’ll bet you didn’t, did you? Here you were, expecting me to do everything for you. Well I’m not. If you don’t do things for yourself you’ll never learn. Honestly. The youth of today is just crumbling like bricks that crumble. The most important of the vegetables is the carrot (see Fig 1.3). The carrot must be grated, but not necessarily carefully. Some grated knuckles give the carrots a little bit of extra zing, and also remind you not to be such a klutz with the grater next time. Please note – it is not recommended that you stick your finger into the carrot. This serves no purpose and is being done in the photo merely as a serving suggestion.

Once you’ve finished with the preperation, which shouldn’t have taken as long as that, I might add, take everything over to the table and put it next to each other for easy access (see Fig 1.4). Stick in a couple of taco shells in the microwave for 40 seconds and then remove them, noting how they sear your flesh beyond mortal pain as you carry them to your plate. Place a taco upright, and stack in the ingredients in any order you choose (see Fig 1.5). I recommend actually filling the damn thing instead of merely filling it halfway and then being terrified that the stuff will topple out. It’s a taco. That’s SUPPOSED to happen.

Fig. 1.5: Incriminating evidenceTaco

Fig. 1.6: Untitled

A fork (see Fig 1.6) is always a good idea with tacos, as you can recover any lost taco during the initial digestion process. Simply scoop up the taco remainders with your fork, and Bob’s your strange unrelated person following you! It’s recommended that you wait until you eat all tacos that you’ve already made before attempting a salvage operation, (see Fig 1.7) otherwise you’ll find yourself doing plenty of unnecessary work.

Be sure to finish off your tacos with a nice hot cup of milky tea. Not only is it the ideal culture clash, but the throbbing heat from the taco sauce will cause you intense, agonizing pain when mingled with hot water or trying to rest your lips on an incredibly hot mug! There’s nothing like intense, agonizing pain after a good dinner, I always say.

Fig. 1.7: Meowth surveys the Taco Damage

More Recipes and Culinary Tips at
Perry’s Picnic – Online Cooking Show
Drink Delicious Silk: A Community Service Announcement
The Official Rubber Chicken Pizza
Cooking with Claude on The Rubber Chicken Podcast

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