The Chicken Feed

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Recently, my good friend Morgan with whom I attend the dubious educational conglomerate known as the University of British Columbia was denied entrance to their Film Program. I was utterly shocked by this jarring turn of events, until Morgan went and sent me the stringent requirements for admittance to this elite cadre of film-makers-in-training. I guess, despite being a brilliant film-maker himself, Morgan just isn’t cut out to be involved in the UBC program. If you’re curious as to why, or are considering applying yourself, dear reader, you need only scan down this page.

Entrance Requirements for the University of British Columbia Film Program

A) Having completed two years of General Studies, with all necessary science and language credits for the BFA, as well as select Production, and Film History courses.

B) Having created a brutal, tiresome montage of something really boring, such as a dog running around without motivation, or a bulldozer doing anything.

C) Being on a first name basis with one or more of the professors on the Film faculty, with whom you regularly watch pornography and/or fabricate historical data which you then pass off as fact.

D) Having a deep, unquenchable passion for ripping off the styles and techniques of successful people you hope to one day be known as an imitator of.

E) Never on your life attempting to create anything original or cohesive, as this makes the professors jealous and causes them to accuse you of “hubris”, which is a word that they learned recently.

F) Being able to readily lambast and critique the work of anyone whose approval you secretly crave.

G) Being female. The industry has enough men, and not enough hot, hot vixens for the bleach-skinned auteurs to seduce.

H) Not having any talent. People with talent don’t need a degree, and if they think they do, it’s just their “hubris” talking.

I) Submitting to the Film Department, in triplicate, a cover letter in which you use colorful, fruity adjectives to describe the program, department, and specific professors. The word “cornucopia” must appear.

J) Exhibiting mild confusion when asked to operate the University’s archaic camera and sound equipment. Knowing more than your professor is considered heathenish.

K) Letting your Production professor take over and mutate every project you undertake, allowing him to live vicariously through you, momentarily forgetting that he is blacklisted from the film industry.

L) Praising your professor’s experimental taxidermist films on IMDB, and spending hours creating elaborate definitions for them on wikipedia.

M) Providing, in triplicate, transcripts of every creepy fan letter you ever sent to Michael Bay and Uwe Boll, with photographs of used panties, laminated pubic hair and other such gifts showcasing your devotion to these great men and their craft.

N) Treating every word that emerges from your professor’s mouth as a gold-covered chocolate-covered ant, and then quoting them loudly in the Student Union Building, near the burrito stand.

O) Writing at least one essay denoting the merits of editing exclusively in iMovie, and with one’s left hand only, leaving the right free to “spark a phat blunt”, “rock the bowl”, or “masturbate your penis”.

P) Submitting, in triplicate, a photo of you in your best, tiniest panties. If you are male, as mentioned above, you need not apply (though photos of you in your panties will still be accepted).

Q) Accompanying every short film you produce with a soundtrack composed entirely of 80’s cheese synth loops from Garageband. Bragging about this by the burrito stand in the Student Union Bulding.

R) Make sure those panties are really tiny, ladies.

S) Having attempted at least once to create a film with some kind of nauseating, heavy-handed message that pummels the viewer over the head with hackneyed moralizing. “It is tough to be black. Still.”, or “Caring about others is pretty cool.” are preferred.

T) Somehow hoodwinking one or more professors into believing that you can further their career, either through relatives in the industry, friends in high places, or a cheap source of addictive over-the-counter anti-depressants.

U) Being able to perform simple, but impressive magic tricks, such as guessing which card a professor is holding, swallowing the key to the editing room, or allowing yourself to be videotaped while having oral sex.

V) Having zero comprehension about what audio peaking is, and routinely blowing out any speakers unfortunate enough to play the 80s synth soundtrack to your preachy, moralizing film.

W) And don’t just stand there like a rock formation, in those tiny panties. Do a pose, arch your back. This is your career we’re talking about.

X) Only ever using the phrase “It’s complicated” when asked to describe your films. Further elaboration may result in expulsion from the Film Program.

Y) Making no bones about your status as a tortured genius. Only humbling yourself in front of your desperate, insecure professors.

Z) Nursing a total, unabashed disregard and perhaps complete ignorance of the lesser stages of the film-making process such as writing, and acting. All the film needs in order to be seminal is your involvement. Everything and everyone else is nothing.

I think maybe Morgan is better off, eh? Although I’m not sure what we’re going to do with all the extra photos of him in his panties. I guess maybe post in the forum if you want ‘em.

Special thanks to Morgan Davis for helping me with some of the more clever jabs at the program that REJECTED HIM.

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