The Chicken Feed

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When I accused J.K. Rowling of promoting witchcraft with her Harry Potter series, little did I expect this could be perceived as an accusation that J.K. Rowling actually promoted witchcraft with her Harry Potter series.

Nor, when I encouraged Rubber Chicken readers to advertise the link on Harry Potter message boards, did I expect any hate mail.

The below email is one of literally hundreds sent to Ethel Roberts, the manifesto’s fictitious author.

Let’s hope we can sort out this little misunderstanding peacefully and professionally.

Special thanks go to the Forumites for their suggestions and feedback all the way through.  You all rock harder than a particularly rocky rock with a penchant for rock music and a strong mind to purchase “The Scorpian King” on DVD some day, maybe, if it’s on the cheap.

Langage Warning: If misspelled expletives offend you, you’d best flee.

From: scottie (Madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: (none)

wow u r soooo fucking retarded if u read Harry Potter u would understand that the fucking message is u ugly broad!! if u said shit like that to me i would have killed u! who do u think u r God? well u arent so dont b puttin up crap on the internet!

It’s amazing how much absurdity people can accept if they are slowly eased from something more sensible.  In this case I was prepared to make an exception. Call it a wild hunch, but this man didn’t seem like the subtle type.

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: Madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:

Now, everyone has a right to their own opinion, and I respect that. There is no right or wrong; different people simply view the world in different ways, and there’s no reason why we can’t happily co-exist side-by-side. However, you are completely wrong.

Also, you smell.

Yours Sincerely,

Ethel J. Roberts, phD

Author & Critic

——————–

Order Ethel’s latest book, “What Your Children REALLY Get Up To” at AMAZON.COM

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: (none)

listen to me u pice of crap you should not say false facts about anything..so dont be a douche bag and tell the real truth about what happens in the book!

With both sides too stubborn to concede defeat (but only one excused on the grounds of not really existing), it seemed this could go on forever.  Team TRC was all too happy to test this hypothesis.

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:

Now listen to me, young man. You have been brainwashed by The Authorities into defending Rowling’s satanic messages. But nobody is beyond salvation. Embrace peace and love and the evil spell will pass. If you and your friends continue to embrace witchcraft, however, the terrorists have already won.

Yours Sincerely,

Ethel J. Roberts

——–

Order Ethel’s sing-along organ gospel music album for teenagers, “Jesus is Totally Rad!” from AMAZON.COM

From: scott baldwin (Madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: Ethel J. Roberts
Subject: (none)

listen to me women the theme of Harry Potter is the love of his mother who gave her own life to save her son Harry Potter.

The story is not about evilness its abot harmony and courage.

So you know what grandma slap those glasses on and try to read a book!

The angrier he got, the blinder he became to the increasingly absurd signatures.

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:

I understand we have opposing views on the matter, but there is nothing wrong with that. You have a critical opinion of my work, and again, I respect that. There is no reason why we can’t discuss our differences like rational human beings without the conversation degenerating into childish insults.

If you love Harry Potter so much, why don’t you MARRY him?

Yours Sincerely,

Ethel J. Roberts

——————–

Order Ethel’s latest DVD, “Buyer Beware! The Dangers of Ham Casserole” at AMAZON.COM

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: listen to me!

if u read Harry Potter u would understand the consept of what it is about!and dont u say’i wanna marry harry potter’

i bet u r sum bisexual freak who craves to be noticed!

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: Listen to ME.

Look here, you insoltent child. Denial will get you nowhere. Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with being a little different, or being attracted to the same sex. As an adolescent male, you must be going through a very difficult time right now, and your repressed aggression is understandable. However, please understand that your lifestyle choice was brought upon you by those who would deceive you. Before you accuse me of not having read the books, please note that I am a critically acclaimed author, and have no time for such pointless diversions.

Also, I am rubber and you are glue and anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE MORE THAN YOU CAN COUNT. So there.

Yours Sincerely,

Ethel J. Roberts

——————–

Order tickets to Ethel’s latest motivational seminar, “Public Nudity is A-O-K!!!” from AMAZON.COM

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: now listen to me bitch!

if you knew the the fuck Harry Potter is about you would be flabbergasted!

Harry Potter is about a child who hadgreat parents and one night Lord Voldamort (he who must not be named) and he oen mother GAVE her life to say her only child!

There is nothing wrong with Harry Potter all it is , is a story for kids to enjoy!what is with you people thinking its about torture and all the other things!

im a teacher im 26 im not some ‘child’ you call me!

not your friend : Madddawg91

Forum regular Sane Orange promised I’d be his bestest friend in the whole wide world if I used the term “prepubescent Russian” in the letter. How could I refuse?

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: now listen to me *****!

No, YOU listen to ME, you prepubescent Russian. How could you be so ignorant? I have a good mind to phone your parents.

I have seen the trailers for all five Harry Potter Adventures films at the local picture theatre. This was enough to pick up on Mr. Rowling’s many references to sex, drugs and dark magic. Reading the books is therefore irrelevant: I know Pagan evil when I see it.

I challenge you: Give me one reason why Harry Potter isn’t satanic. Might I remind you once again that I am a CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AUTHOR. I am always right.

Good day, young man.

Ethel J. Roberts

————-

Order from Ethel’s “hip” new clothing range for young Christians, “2 Kool 4 SaTan” at AMAZON.COM

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: big deal!

1. y would u call me parents im 26!

2. a trailor is 5min the movie is 2and a half!

3. there isnt a drugs and alochol in the books/movies!

your r carzy woman u need to see a shrink!

p.s. FYI i have written books for children and im about to get my script published so dont say im a ‘child’ you beoch!

Children’s books? We’d be all too happy to believe it, had the statement in which he claimed this not contained more spelling mistakes than syllables.

It was now clear that this would go on forever without a change in direction. Enter the Plot Twist:

From: (a secret address. Ooer!)
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: On Behalf of Ethel Roberts

Dear Scott,

My name is Richard Pound and I am the coordinator of the Friendly Mills Christian Rehabilitation Camp. Your friend Ethel Roberts was very concerned for your spiritual wellbeing and put your name forward for our programme.

The intensive one-month course covers all aspects of what it means to be a Servant of The Lord, and how to retain one’s faith in these difficult times. Often outside influences like “television”, “books” and the “information superhighway” can challenge our beliefs and make us doubt the true meaning of existence. There are children out there whose lives have been shattered the evils of modern society, forced to take drugs and live on the streets. Children like just you, Scott.

But nobody is beyond saving. All these people need is a helping hand.

That’s where we come in.

Mrs. Roberts has already paid the $50 registration fee on your behalf. All we need from you is the standard $422 to cover food and accommodation expenses. This price is negotiable however, so please don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any financial difficulties.

Please let us know which of the following time periods you will be available:

-Wednesday July 16 – Sunday August 15

-Tuesday August 31 – Wednesday September 29

Mrs. Roberts informed me you are under 13 years of age, and so you will need a parent or guardian’s signature of approval. Remember, the duration is four weeks…… make sure you get your school’s “ok” first! All we need is a confirmation email from you, and we can get the “ball” rolling!

Thank you for your interest in our programme. We look forward to seeing you there!

R Pound

Youth Coordinator

FMCRC

“Just put your heart to the task, and you can achieve anything! Take your strength from our Lord, and the only limit is YOUR IMAGINATION!”

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: (snip)
Subject: u r messed u man

dude who the hell are u? im not a child im 26!!!!

leae me alone i hate people like u who go around preaching to normal Christians!

if u or your friend e-mails me one more time ill press charges!

from: scott

Another dubious legal threat? There’s only one person who can save us now: Hannah “Your MUM!!!1″ Craig, a real live first-year law student and TRC’s Official Legal Adviser.

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To: madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: Important Notice: PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY

Dear “Mad Dog”,

I understand you turned down my good friend’s offer for rehabilitation, and even threatened both of us with legal action. I made a generous offer to help you, and what thanks do I receive? More unspeakable profanities from a very rude young man with no respect for his elders.

As a former barrister, I have to question the dubious legal grounds of your threat. Under which legislation do you plan to press charges?

Please note that, should I choose to take legal action myself, you have made no less than eight (8) counts of swearing and one (1) threat of grievous bodily harm (which qualifies as assault, both under common law and s245 of the Qld Criminal Code 1899). You have also wasted almost an hour of my time. That’s one hour I could have spent writing my latest critically acclaimed novel-in-progress.

As you are young, naive, and obviously lacking legal expertise, I am prepared to settle this off-the-record if you renounce your drug-dealing, Satan-worshipping ways and apologise for causing offence and wasting my valuable time.

If you do not make a formal apology within 48 hours, however, I might not be so forgiving.

I await your reply.

Ethel J. Roberts,

BCom, LLB (Hons) Qld, LLM(Hons) UQ

Barrister (Supreme Court of Qld)

Critically Acclaimed Author

Precisely 48 hours later…

From: scott baldwin (madddawg91@yahoo.com)
To: happybob [at] thatchickensite [dot com]
Subject: listen….

all i want u to do is to leave me alone ive warned u once and please leave me alone i wish to stay in my normal daily life i dont want to be corrupted by u again

from…………(no name)

Funny, I could have sworn he started it, with a threat of violence, no less.

It was about time young Scotty learned The Truth. Easy enough, right? It would have been, had Nintendo Gamer Magazine’s Blake Barham not demanded I include the term “Hubba Hubba Love Monster” somewhere in the email. As I pondered how I might implement this, the intense thought process put me in a coma-like state of meditation, and Ettin wrote the damn email for me. The below message is 95% his work. The awful Hubba Hubba Love Monster implementation, sadly, is all mine.

From: Ethel J. Roberts
To:
madddawg91@yahoo.com
Subject: Smile – you’re on Candid Camera.

Dear “Mad D. Dog”,

Let us start this letter by saying that Ethel J. Roberts never existed. She was a fabrication, a device used to manipulate you into acting like a complete git for entertainment purposes, and for a feature on our website.

You only brought this on yourself. Did it ever occur to you that “The Rubber Chicken”, a site based around entertainment, tomfoolery and humour, might not have been serious when it wrote the article? If you can’t see that was intentionally wrong to be funny, we suggest you first get psychiatric help. Then read this. That is a collection of emails we have received from people making fools of themselves by sheer stupidity, and you, sir, have just outdone them all, and in doing so provided us with some outstanding material for a new feature in our “Tomfoolery” section.

Thank you for providing us with new information. If you are actually a teacher and children’s book author, and considering your apparent grammar skills and unapparent intelligence we severely doubt it, please use the upcoming feature to teach children about the perils of not being able to read between the lines.

We will keep you posted on when the feature comes up, as we are sure you anticipate it.

Thank you for your cooperation. You young whippersnapper, you.

Forever your Hubba Hubba Love Monster,

The Rubber Chicken

www.n-chicken.net

The expected reply full of profanities still hasn’t arrived. Perhaps he finally realised that Harry Potter is a work of evil that should not be viewed or read by anyone. Incidentally, has anyone else seen The Prisoner of Azkaban? Alfonso Cuoron does an amazing job with the darker source material, bringing infinitely more personality to JK Rowling’s work that Chris Columbus’s by-the-numbers (if still entertaining) earlier films. Highly recommended – 9/10.

Order Scott Baldwin’s latest novel, LERNING to SPEeL .& sTUFF ^_^ from AMAZON.COM

More Tomfoolery
Celebrity Burning Question: How do you get to Sesame Street?
Bung’s Intranetweb Shenanigans
Media Prank: John Rhys-Davies in Revenge of the Sith

More from Ethel Roberts, Author & Critic
Listen to Ethel’s guest appearance on The Rubber Chicken Podcast
THE TRUTH BEHIND HARRY POTTER!!!
Ethel’s Reviews on Amazon.com

More Harry Potter
Micallef Tonight’s “Potential Potter” Sketch
Britney Spears’s “Piece of Me” – A Line-By-Line Breakdown

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