The Chicken Feed

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For a celebrity, former Rubber Chicken contributor Blake Barham is remarkably humble. His brief stint at the late Nintendo Gamer magazine (a gig, I confess, that has attracted some jealousy from the rest of us) propelled him into a world of well-endowed cars and fast women. Yet he still finds the time to look back acknowledge those who helped him in the early days.

One such gesture arrived on my birthday. And by “gesture”, I mean “packet of Growing Pains trading cards from 1988″, complete with seventeen-year-old bubble gum. Thus began the adventure of a lifetime.

Let me get a few pointers out of the way. I have never seen the TV sitcom “Growing Pains”. I have no intention of ever watching the TV sitcom “Growing Pains”. I know nothing of the TV sitcom “Growing Pains”, beyond that learned in the events chronicled before you today.

As:

(a) I have nothing of interest to say,

(b) I have no authority on the subject, and

(c) the pictures are self-explanatory anyway,

I will continue writing this feature on the assumption that nobody will read the actual text. Enjoy the pretty pictures!

This morning I rode on the bus and it was air-conditioned, which was a pleasant change from the bus I caught yesterday, which was not air-conditioned. This was good because the weather was very hot even though it rained yesterday. It is not raining today, but there are several clouds outside. One is shaped like a duck.

Alack! Thou teapot doth not ease my squirming discontent’d happenstance on fat-free fruiche. Thus I declareth: a noble steed thrice mounted by destined knighthood calm’d thou storm of purple descent!

These words, along with many others, failed to run through the mind of Abraham Lincoln’s corpse. He had been rather quiet as of late, which has led some to suggest he is unfit for presidency in his current state.

Unbeknownst to the matron, Harold had a secret. He liked to wear women’s clothing.

Why? WHY won’t Cindy go out with me to see the new Rob Schneider movie? And why won’t Mum let me stay out after midnight? Life is so unfair. I’m going to listen to Evanescence. Only they can understand how tortured my well-off, middle-class teenage existence is.

See the ponies run
A sight so beautiful it
Needs one more syllable

My family often debates the meaning of Vanilla Ice’s famous quote “word to your mother”. My sister believes it implies a forbdden sexual attraction to his partner’s parent, but my mother chooses to believe Mr. Ice is a responsible young man. “Word to your mother”; “I am persuing a serious relationship with you. I would like to meet your parents.”

ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS ROMS.

Xaragoorn drew the Blade of Mynark and held it defiantly. “Repent,” he screamed. “Repent, foul demon!” A bead of sweat trickled down his brow, like a free-falling raven.
“FOOL,” replied Shaitan. “Your mortal steel cannot save you, nor can the love of your kingdom.” His laughter echoed into the night.
“You’re wrong,” said the Prince. “I have the spirits of my ancestors to guide me.”
“Oh, fair enough,” replied the demon.

If space is infinite and time is relative, then whose pants are these?

You might remember Jeffrey Chaucer from the film “A Knight’s Tale”. Did you know he was actually a real life poet from medieval times and reknowned author of “The Canterbury Tales”? “The Miller’s Prologue and Tale” has a very rude part involving a red-hot poker.

Here is a picture of a banana. Note the cigar-shaped object behind the grassy-knoll.

Some time after Tommy was forced to leave the Power Rangers team (only to return as the White Ranger, whose armour wasn’t as cool as when he was the Green Ranger, and had this talking dagger thing for some reason), Rita Repulsa returned from exile to confront replacement villian Lord Zedd. She slipped a love potion into his drink, and then he fell in love with her, and then they got married! They spent the remainder of the series looking lovingly into each other’s eyes and dancing. Also, they had new flying putties who weren’t quite as good as the previous ones. Remember how they shattered apart when the Rangers hit the “Z” on the disposable minions’ chests? That was awesome.

At Dreamworld we bought drinks from a vendor named Sharon. Ben suggested we ask her to pose with us for a photo, but we thought she’d probably get the wrong idea so we went off and took a photo of a fire hydrant instead.

Fig. 1.7: Meowth surveys the taco damage.

Generously-proportioned transvestite, 65, seeking midget amputee to paint house. No dwarves or prosthetic limbs. Ask for Shirley.

The African Elephant and the Indian Elephant may both belong to the same group of animals, but to the trained eye there are considerable differences between the two. For starters, “African” and “Indian” are clearly two very different words with different letters. One is probably found in Africa, and there’s a good chance the other has been sighted in India. I’m not sure which species Babar belonged to, but in any case, both make some damn fine ivory.

“Everyone, please stop arguing. Look, has anyone bothered asking the goat how it feels about all this?”

Epilogue:

Billy never did find Treasure Island. This is just as well, as it was only a literary creation, and would have left him sorely disappointed had he learned its location, or lack thereof. He went home neither smarter nor wiser. Then again, he quit looking after three minutes, so this was only to be expected.

Amy finally summoned up the courage to ask Kevin out. The movie was quite good, but it quickly became apparent he was a bit of a prick. She went out with Doug in August. They were happily married the following year. The the film, though, was rubbish.

Those mischevious Thompson twins Susan and Charlie did achieve world domination, but nobody noticed and life went on more or less as usual.

And Frank’s pet rock? History had somewhat more in store for it… but that’s another story entirely.

Alastair is currently stationed at the poison recovery clinic at Cairns Calvary Hospital. “Get well soon” messages can be left through the form below.

More Nostalgia at ThatChickenSite.com
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Captain Planet and the Lake of Fear: An Annotated Comic
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