The Chicken Feed

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Andrey: Here at, we are all about the environment. By this I am, of course, suggesting only that at any given moment we are in or near the environment, but I like to think that makes us an authority on the matter. Certainly as much of an authority as an arguably un-elected Presidential Candidate who at one time had no beard, then grew a beard, and then just shaved it off again.

If Al Gore can’t even decide what his own face looks like, how can he reliably perform plastic surgery on the face of our planet? This question is implicitly asked and tacitly answered by our own Alastair Robert Craig in a feature that he did not title The Unofficial Spice Girls Reunion Scrapbook. To find out what he really titled it, you’ll just have to Admit You’re A Spice Girls Fan. Just kidding. You can also Click Here.

Alastair: Reading through Clive Hamilton’s Scorcher: The Dirty Politics of Climate Change, I couldn’t help but think “so what?”

Global Warming might be a harsh (one might say Impractical) Truth. It might well be a sordid tale of cover-ups and ulterior motives. The clock might even be ticking toward doomsday, like a scenario straight out of Keifer Sutherland’s adrenaline-charged drama The Jack Bauer Power Hour. But all this means Bo Diddley when the central problem is so easily fixable. Relax and think rationally, people. Rapidly approaching peril isn’t so perillous if you just step off the railway tracks.

I’m pretty sure I can fix this mess, and I’m pretty sure I can do it with only five pieces of paper.

Step One: Encourage Action

c/o Jerry Bruckheimer
Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
Dear Hollywood,

Please find enclosed a DVD copy of Kevin Costner’s Waterworld. This harrowing tale of a post-apocolyptic aquatic wasteland flooded by the Earth’s melting icecaps grows more relevant with each passing day. But close as we might be to living under the iron fist of popular character actor Dennis Hopper, this is not a dreary pathos appeal.

No, I am writing to warn you of a far more immediate concern. The bigger an issue global warming becomes, the more people will want to make another film like Waterworld.

Waterworld, a film that cost a record-breaking $175 million to make.

Waterworld, a film that earned only half that amount back in US box office returns.

Gentlemen, can you really afford another Waterworld?

You are powerful people in a powerful industry. If you don’t immediately start using a little leverage on those Friends In High Places, you’re about to learn the answer whether you want it or not.

Flash forward a few years. Presumably, what little land survives the Great Wettining will be rather dry. If there’s any time when pyramids are likely to come back into style, it’s this point, and if there’s any film title likely to make an investor recoil, it’s Cleopatra.

If Captain Planet were alive today, he make a snappy comeback about producing films, not carbon emissions.
In his honour, I implore you to take action. The power is yours!

Alastair Craig

P.S. You can start by convincing Michael Bay to switch to implosions.

Step Two: Reduce Routine Carbon Emissions

Step Three: Discourage Action

The Australian Communications and Media Authority
PO Box 78, Belconnen
ACT 2616

Dear People Who Run The Radio,

I write to you with the simplest of requests, but please bear with me. The fate of the entire free world rests on your swift and dashing response.
Please play more Morrissey.

Your current FM playlists are far too chirpy and uplifting. They’re fun, and that’s the last thing this planet needs. A positive attitude encourages listeners to get out there, interact, sanitise, procreate and do all sorts of active, bubbly things. It’s all well and good for humanity, but as far as Mother Earth is concerned, happiness is just another excuse to drive, wash clothes, overpopulate and use aerosol hairspray.

Enter the bleak, loveless world of Steven Patrick Morrissey. With a song library including Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, The World is Full of Crashing Bores and Every Day is Like Sunday, the track title alone is enough to make one wonder if it’s worth getting out of bed at all. Not only does this bode well for the ozone layer; think of the advertising revenue from mascara companies!
If we learn to loathe life today, the children will live to love it tomorrow.

The human spirit is in your hands, my friends. I trust you have the courage to shatter it.


Alastair Craig

Step Four: Hakuna Matata

Now it is time for you, dear reader, to do your part. Kindly direct your pupils to adorable conglomerate of pixels below.

Congratulations! You’ve just set a global catastrophe back by years. As long as this picture remains at the forefront of your mind, you’ll find yourself calmer, breathing more slowly, and thus limiting your personal carbon output. Dubious? These statistics speak for themselves.

It’s that simple. A little peace of mind just might save the world. And any world where a kitten can be photographed in a Kermit the Frog hat is well worth saving.

Step Five: Incapacitate the Warmongers

If the first four steps in this environmental campaign seemed arrogantly oversimplified, it’s because they are. Such is my confidence in this foolproof final strike. Male readers are advised not to handle any hot beverages at this point.

Never mind that the popular Italian acress is married, nor that the chances for most of us are, at best, a million-to-one regardless. “Exceptionally unlikely” and “impossible” are two very different things. To legally deny that possibility, however small, is to crush the subconscious motivation that drives every man, regardless of circumstances or sexual preferences, whether he knows it or not. What’s the point of running a multi-billion dollar automobile manufacturer if you can’t say “it is, technically speaking, theoretically possible that I might one day have an intimate encounter with that weird chick from The Matrix Reloaded“?

For the powerful women, substitute Burt Bacharach, or whoever it is those people pine after these days. The more experimental CEOs, meanwhile, need only recall that Ms. Bellucci might very well have male genitalia. You never know.

And if you contribute to global warming, you never will.

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