The Rubber Chicken scores an interview with Darren Gargette, a former tester for one of the world’s most secretive video game development companies, to uncover The Truth behind upcoming Xbox 360 titles Kameo, Perfect Dark Zero, and perhaps even a few unannounced Rare projects…

Back in the Rarenet days I made a very good friend, “Boggy”. He is also known as Darren Gargette, who is incidentally in the credits of Grabbed by the Ghoulies, Donkey Kong Country 2, and Sabre Wulf as a beta-tester (but I’m pretty sure his name is actually Boggy and he really is some sort of fat polar bear who seriously believes that being dive-bombed by a bear on a sled with sharp pointy runners is a good way to fix stomach ache).

I managed to score a secret interview with said (ex-)beta-tester about his time at legendary videogame developers Rare, and this is that interview.

Now, I’d like to say that this is actually completely true. Anyone who wants to check Rarenet archives on some sort of archive web site will most likely bump into Boggy, and he used to hang out in some IRC channels I know too. The source is legitimate, and we’re not the sort of website to waste an opportunity this huge.

Well, now that we’ve managed to get an interview with someone who has played future Rare games and knows sought-after secrets about them, let’s get to the IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

Ettin: So, about how big was the room/office/whatever you worked in? Did it have WINDOWS?

D Gargette: You could say it was the size of a garage… oh wait, that’s right. The testing department was a converted garage. Ah, treated like kings.  The windows were covered by leaves, yes. I’m guessing they didnt want us to see outside!

Ettin: Did you ever have any problems caused by employees backing their car into your department?

D Gargette: Er, not really, although one fat guy did shove his arse through the door once. Does that count?

Ettin: Was his arse car-shaped?

D Gargette: It was similar to a mini cooper

Ettin: Then yes?

D Gargette: Then yes.

Ettin: This department, from which you were developing an as-yet-unannounced RARE title… what sort of chairs did you sit on?

D Gargette: Wheeled ones. They were apparently some sort of uber hi-tech ones, costing about 1 million quid. SAS use them. I don’t ever recall the SAS team breaking into a terrorist held building on wheeled chairs, though.

Ettin: You mean to say RARE has been breaking into terrorist-held buildings on wheeled chairs?

D Gargette: We did try and take over Free Radical once, but we were shot down by their Goldeneye-style guards. But otherwise, no.  Is that it? Can I go make a tea now?

Ettin: One last question – During the course of your time at Rare, did anyone ever:
a) boast that they got laid
b) doodle Mr Pants on the walls, or
c) boast that they laid Mr Pants?

D Gargette: a) Yeah, me. I got laid.
b) Mr Pants was actually doodled in the toilets, quite frightening really
…and c) only Mrs Pants boasts about THAT!

As you can see, we have deduced that Rare is in fact making a Counter-Strike killer. And it involves chairs. It may, possibly, be some sort of Counter-Strike chair-racing game. Starring…. BANJO? Stay tuned for possible future interviews! Although it’s not likely- we’ve already pumped as many secrets from Rare as we can. They are fucking exposed, baby.