The Rubber Chicken - Fifty Dubious Compliments

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By Andrey and Alastair

"Your self-confidence is surprisingly high."

"I really respect how non-materialistic you are. You place the important things in life ahead of deodorant and dental hygeine."

"Thank you for inviting me to dinner. It really makes me appreciate my mother's cooking."

"You're more important to me than the very notion of caring for people!"

"The only thing more beautiful than the word of God is stoning to death those that don't find the word of God beautiful.

"Your driving is great! Whenever I get out of your car I feel so safe..."

"Your father, mother, and siblings would all be so proud of you, had they not died a long, long time ago."

"I know it's a horrible dress, but it suits you."

"I love you so much I will kill myself when you leave me."

"You're such a good friend... I could tell you anything if I decided I wanted to."

"Darling, you're the best thing ever to happen to me in my miserable life."

"Your company makes me want to SUFFOCATE from pure joy!"

"Wow, congratulations! I never expected you to start dating anyone, ever."

"Having you in my life has made me realise that being a blind quadruple amputee isn't all that bad."

"I have the best sex of your life with you."

"Your writing style is very interesting. It made me want to get to the end of your book as soon as possible."

"Your baby is so beautiful for a being whose illegitimate conception tore the family apart."

"That miniskirt would really suit you, Patrick."

"Under that hideously ugly exterior, you're a wonderful person."

"Your artwork is fascinating, and so full of ideas. Puts me in mind of a young Adolf Hitler."

"I enjoy spending time with you so much that it almost makes me forget I'm an emotional masochist."

"You make me feel so alive."

"You've done remarkably well in life, for a woman."

"It's okay, profanity suits you."

"You can do anything you set your mind to, son, because I said so, and you'll do what I damn well say."

"I never want our time together to end. I don't want anything."

"You're looking remarkably bright and chirpy for someone who recently hit and killed a pedestrian."

"The moment you walked into the casting office, I knew you'd make the perfect Quasimodo!"

"This is the most delicious meal I've eaten since my olefactory glands and taste-buds were removed."

"My God, you're so incredibly sexy I don't listen to ANYTHING you say!"

"You're looking remarkably healthy for a woman eight months pregnant. You are pregnant, right?"

"Well, Timmy, you did it. You fought off a small percentage of the cancer for the next few days."

"When the lights are out, your face FEELS so beautiful..."

"I love your muisic! I can listen to it at work, down at the construction site, and nobody notices."

"This is the best videogame I've ever been forced to play for hours and hours, looking for bugs and writing them up individually, systematically dismantling the very concept of fun."

"I respect your homosexuality, just as I would any other disability."

"You bring out the best in me. And my best is so far beyond anything anyone else could achieve. I am, without a doubt, awesome."

"You must be so proud. I've seen babies MUCH uglier than that."

"You're a prince among kings."

"Our love is as endless as the regurgitated, increasingly sub-par recent seasons of The Simpsons."

"If there were a beauty contest for lovely personalities, you'd definitely be allowed to send in an entry form."

"The most hilarious show about both morally ambiguous war-making and under-supplied, grizzly field surgery EVER. Hands down."

Not sure where or why you should be laughing? Read a line-by-line explanation of this article at the Rubber Chicken Wiki.

"Look on the bright side - at least your curiosity about the afterlife will be satisfied much sooner than expected."

"You stand out like a shining nugget of gold in a cesspool of filth."

"Why would I have a problem with the way your legs look? I LOVE cottage cheese!"

"Don't worry about your premature ejaculation problem, dear. You know I like to make it quick."

"I can't wait to work with you again in the future, long after we finish up here."

"You're so hilarious! Nobody should have to laugh that hard, ever. No, I'm serious, I think it actually hurts people internally."

"I had a really great time last night. If you were there, well done."

"You know, you're like a father to me. Which is really confusing sometimes, when my dad is out."

"Of course I'm coming to your exhibit! I love staring."

"No, I definitely respect lesbians. I buy their products frequently."

"The best movie of the decade, hands down." - Harry Knowles

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To make a comment, you must first verify you are human. Please copy the below text. (Type with care. Like a choosy pro-bono attorney, this code is case sensitive.)				Media Hoax: John Rhys-Davies in Star Wars Episode III "It's lucky you'll never, ever be widely acknowledged for anything else after this, because this is really good." When Harry Met Sally: An Archetypal Title For A Story In Which Two People Meet Each Other, In This Case About Andrey And HappyBob "What an interesting story. I really enjoyed the title." Poll Dancing: The Rebirth of the TRC Poll "You're so adorable when you put yourself down." Movie: Chris Cares "Great camera work. I really believed I was on a shaky rollercoaster ride." View more Letters & Words, or more work by: Andrey Alastair