Lee Downs
c/o Channel Nine
PO Box 100
Richmond, Vic 3121

Dear Lee Downs,

Eek eek ook chee chee ook chee eek chee! Ack oop eee ook ook ook chee! Ack ook ook. OOOK. Ook chee eek chee ack chee oop. Eek eee ook eee ook ook chee chee chee - ook chee eek chee ack oop eee! OOOK chee eek chee, ook eep ack eek chee! Oook ook ook eek eep eep eep! Ook ook ook ook ook, ack ook eek ack chee! Ook chee eek chee ack chee oop. Eek eek ook chee chee ook chee eek chee - eek eee ook eee ook ook chee chee chee. Oook ook ook eek eep eep eep! Ack eep chee, oook eek eep chee! Eek eek chee, ack oop eep! Ack eep chee! Chee, ook ook ook eep eep ack eek eek! Oook ook ook ook ack chee eek chee ook chee eep eep! Oook ook ook ook ack eep! Ack ook ook ook eek oop ack chee.

I thought I'd better speak in your language regarding the cancellation of Micallef Tonight. Please, if your monkeys in suits have anything to say regarding this, don't hesitate to contact me. I'll try to comprehend their gibberish.

Dear Your Honour,

We represent a coalition between two non-profit online organizations: Filibuster Cartoons; a political satire website by internationally renowned cartoonist and political connoisseur J.J. McCullough; and The Rubber Chicken, which has crappy animations. We have no doubt Your Highness will do a splendid job as acting Australian Governor-General until August 11. While your predecessor Peter Hollingworth has been hogging all the media attention, we are certain you have been fulfilling the duties of the position with the utmost integrity, although nobody seems to have any clue as to what, exactly, those duties are.

While we are very keen to support you, we realised we have absolutely no idea what you look like. Enclosed are several pictures of what we think might represent Your Majesty's likeness. Please circle the most accurate choice and send it to the enclosed address ASAP.

Thank you for your time. We wish Your Holiness the best of luck.

Yours sincerely,

Alastair Craig & J.J. McCullough

The Rubber Chicken               Filibuster Cartoons
http://www.n-chicken.net      http://www.filibustercartoons.com

I would like to formally complain about the lack of Richard Wilkins coverage in your publication. Mr. Wilkins is an immensely talented individual, with an extensive career in Australian television ranging from "Channel 7's 1996 New Years Eve Special" to "Channel 7's 2003 New Years Eve Special"

Mr Wilkins' contribution to modern pop-culture is insurmountable. His work on "Keynotes" will forever be remembered as a highlight in Australian game show history. His mullet symbolises the style philosophy of an entire generation.

I understand you don't publish photos of anyone over thirty. I also acknowledge that I can't speak for those of the female persuasion. However, I understand he is quite the sex symbol, and my Mum is never wrong.

If action is not taken soon, we may be forced to boycott your magazine. So let's see a boost in the Wilkins content. He is, after all, truly a "Smash Hit".

Best regards,

Alastair "HappyBob" Craig
http://www.n-chicken.net

It has come to my attention that I am not, at present, wearing pants. Now I assure you the people I live with are quite used to it, but others don't share the same opinion. Also, I have noticed an increasing trend for renovation style shows, where you send in a team of 'professional' celebrity makeover artists who help out us Aussie Battlers.

Well, I was thinking over this while I was on the toilet, I thought maybe you can help me. I propose a new show called "Who Wears the Pants Here!" and it'll involve a complete Pantsular makeover for a random bad-pants person off the street! While I don't condone the act of wearing pants, I can understand the associated enjoyment and therefore have a great understand of how the whole concept will work. I like to have Thursdays and Fridays off and I would like a good dental plan. I can start work next week, I hope you like the new show!

I would like to submit my film for consideration for the 2004 Cannes Film Festival. "Happy Adventure" is a celebrated animated short loosely based on a true story. It stars Montgomery J. Pants as "Mr. Pants" and Dan Oxenburgh as himself.

"Happy Adventure" is, on the surface, a simple tale of rivalry and compassion. However, it draws upon extensive historical influences, from the Spanish Inquisition and the English convicts' settlement of east coast of Australia to Ridley Scott's "Blade Runner" and John R. Cherry III's "Ernest Saves Christmas" to create a bleak dystopian environment in which hallucinogenic characters can walk freely, slapping the face of any stranger they please, and meaningless dances have replaced a life of purpose.

Uniquely, "Happy Adventure" was animated using Jasc Animation Shop v2.0, but still draws upon the vintage visual styles of legendary animators such as Walt Disney, Hanna/Barbara and Richard Wilkins. The resulting visual style is every bit as intricate as the narrative it envelops.

As requested, all text has been subtitled in French. I don't have much of a grasp on the language, but I have seen Amelie. Twice!

I look forward to your reply.

Alastair Craig
Director, "Happy Adventure"

I recently viewed the movie "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" starring Macauly Culkin. I was expecting an enjoyable family film. I was not expecting an insult to the memory of the victims of the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

The title "Lost in New York" is a blatant reference to the recent terrorist attacks. The use of the phrase "New York" obviously refers to the city in which these events took place. This is taken further by the subject matter of the film. Over ninety percent of the movie appears to take place in the city. Numerous references to Culkin's character, Kevin, being in New York, make this abundantly clear. At one point Kevin can be seen clearly approaching the Twin Towers, clearly upright, in a shocking and unnecessary reminder that the towers no longer exist.

The film's antagonists, Harry and Marv, spend most of their screen time being injured in various ways, including but not limited to: electrocution, being set on fire, falling over, and being hit on the head with various heavy objects. Their crumbling morale can be likened to the crumbling of the Twin Towers. Macauly Culkin must therefore personify the threat of terrorism to the free, peace-loving world. Just as George W. Bush fights to maintain the dignity of his country, Tim Curry's character struggles to keep his authority over his establishment, and Curry himself tries to maintain his credibility as he wonders why he signed up for the film in the first place.

I demand that you put an end to this blatantly un-American attitude. Please remove all references to New York in the film's title, as well as film itself. I also ask that every Macauly Culkin movie be locked away and never screened in public ever again.

I eagerly await your acknowledgement.

Yours sincerely,

Alastair Craig
http://www.n-chicken.net

As three "Fair Dinkum" (genuine) Australian fans, we were "Happy As Larry" (joyful) to "Have A Gander" (observe) your "Pucker" (bit-of-all-right) website! We were especially delighted to see your Australian Slang Guide promoting your film Our Lips Are Sealed, which we can confirm to be 100% accurate and culturally sensitive. Now we can understand your American fans when they try to talk to us in “Steak & Kidney” (Sydney). We have, however, noted some glaring omissions from your list, which we have outlined below. We believe these corrections will make this the definitive guide to holding a conversation "Down Under”!

Your biggest fans,

Ben, Alastair & Chad (Honourary Australian)
http://www.n-chicken.net

Mate = Friend Prawn = Shrimp Lolly = Sweet Lolly Water = Lemonade Apples and Pairs = Stairs Jelly = Jell-o Jam = Jelly Frog in the pond = Chocolate frog in jelly Barbeque = Cooking Tool Grouse = Amusingly-Shaped Schnorkeldoff = Pickle Try-Hard = Try-Hard Fosters = Beer Beer = Coffee Chazwozza = Toad Jiggery Pokery = Apple Pie Floogeldoofel = Cardboard Tube Chunder = Peanut Brittle Pickadilly = Chilly (cold) Fair Dinkum = Not purple Dingo = Infanticide Irwin = Fool Floobooda = Wobbly excess fat under the forearm Moccas = Bedroom Slippers Adelaide = Dung-Infested Hole Ruddock = Nazi Didgeridoo = Marital aide Micallef = God Galah = Idiot Liberals = Galahs Vegemite = Catsup Sheila = Whore Un-American = Intelligent No Worries = Worries Shivoo = Hoe-down Shark Biscuit = Fishfood Schnickelfritz = Small Grapefruit Stone the Crows = "Someone stole our sheep" Twins = Testicles*

*examples: "Ouch! That snake bit me in the twins!" or "Look, it's the Olsen Twins!"