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By Aussie Ben, Andy

There are some things that are clearly inspired by crack. One of these things would most definitely have to be Krang, the alien brain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The good version.

SAKI!! Fetch me some Black Forest Cake THIS INSTANT!It has come to our attention that some of our readers have no idea as to just whom Krang is (and quite frankly, what the fuck is wrong with you people?). For their benefit, we'll be reliving some of his great moments -- for the rest of you, it's another insane trip down memory lane.

Once upon a time, there was an evil alien overlord called Krang who lived in an alternate dimension known as Dimension X. This dimension was one of perpetual war, and the overlord commanded an army of Stone Warriors to enforce his rule. However, the overlord was banished from Dimension X, and somehow made his way to Earth. Unfortunately, in a freak mishap, he lost his body, and all that remained was a gigantic talking brain with razor sharp teeth, two dribbly bits of brain underneath his mouth, and a massive amount of firepower.

Bluurhuuurhahahaha!  Work that booooddddyyyyy! *moan*This opens the question: what sort of "freak mishap" could possibly transform somebody into a gigantic talking brain with razor sharp teeth, two dribbly bits of brain underneath his mouth, and a massive amount of firepower? Genetic manipulation? Overzealous torture? A bizarre variety of athlete's foot? We commissioned the world's leading podiatrists to find out.

As they have yet to answer our emails, however, that mystery will remain unanswered for the time being.

However, there's no harm in guessing. What did happen to Krang's original body, I wonder? Did it become a famous politician and run for office? *rimshot* Did it somehow become president of the FOX Network? *rimbazooka* Maybe Krang was mugged in Dimension X after a drunken night at a low class casino? Perhaps after a wild night of strip joints, designer drugs and pole dancing, Krang woke up and found himself recovering, as can be seen in the picture below:


Fucking turtles I fucking HATE them oh god I think I'm going to throw up where did I leave the syringe fuck where's my fucking ANDROID

Oroku Saki (that's Shredder, you simpletons) teamed up with Krang, and together they conspired to take over the world with Krang's alien technology, genius, firepower, and Saki's...er, cape. The pair were at each other's throats (well, if Krang had one, Shredder would have been at it) right from the start, with Shredder basically being Krang's bitch.

"SAKI!! Fetch my slippers!"
"But you don't have any feet, Krang."
"...well, FETCH THEM ANYWAY! Bluurhuurhuurhahahaha!" *disturbing moan*

As you can experience above, Krang certainly has a distinct laugh all of his own. Sort of a chuckle-gurgle-drowning-squish type laugh. It's not one that you forget in a hurry, that's for sure. And trying to type it correctly certainly took at least ten minutes of my life. Can you imagine going to see a movie and having Krang in the audience with you? Everyone in the theater laughs at a funny scene, then goes dead silent as Krang's weird laughter rings out above everyone else's.

Krang kept whinging to Shredder to finish off his new body so that he could rule Earth with an (imaginary) iron fist and destroy the four turtles that Saki had so much trouble attempting to defeat. Reluctantly, Shredder agreed, and (in perhaps an amusing joke) the body was unveiled -- a giant naked robot android with red underpants and 3D glasses. Krang slotted neatly in the belly.

After Krang had his own failed attempt at destroying the Turtles, he spent the rest of his time in his emotionally scarring android body, watching television from the Technodrome. All the time. One can only imagine the hypothetical Technodrome situations that Shredder must have had to endure with the bizzare relationship they had going:

...and don't forget, I'VE got the Top Hat!

"Honey! I'm home!"
"Shredder! Have you destroyed those meddlesome turtles yet?"
"Well, er, no. Bebop and Rocksteady bungled-"
"Bebop and Rocksteady, Bebop and Rocksteady! I've heard enough of your excuses. I want you to get back out there and destroy those four green brats!"
"But Kraaang..."
"And no dinner until you're done!"

Krang also had his own theme song which played during most of his on-screen time, which was an odd slow saxophone theme. It somehow perfectly captures the essence of a gurgling brain who lurches around in a robotic underpants wearing naked man. Of course, it appeared in the video games, including the Arcade Game, and Ninja Turtles 3 for the NES (although these were jazzed up versions of it). It's unmistakably Krang.



I used bevel AND emboss to make this!

Music
- Krang Theme - TMNT Arcade Krang gets all Konami'ed up.
- Krang Theme - TMNT 3 (NES) I like the "boobooboo boobooboo boobooboo boobooboo" bit.

Sounds
- Bluurhuurhuurhahahaha!
- Krang's terrifying arcade threat
- Krang's animal cruelty fetish shines through with Bebop and Rocksteady
- In short - "You're my BITCH, Shredder. Now kneel and start SUCKING."
- Krang - Master of wit.
- I love the bit where Krang hocks a loogie in this one.

Pretty Pictures



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