 | Gibson Praise |
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First, a foreward: Today I did something I've never done before. I wanted to see this movie, and because all my friends either had class, jobs, or are closed-minded hippies, nobody wanted to check it out. So I went to the movie solo. That in itself was fine, because movies are a solitary experience anyway.so lonely
But interestingly enough, it seems that THE PASSION of THE CHRIST is a date movie of "Titanic" caliber. There were so many hot girls getting up to get popcorn for their boyfriends, I didn't bother buying a snack - the eye candy was enough. On the flip side of the coin, this movie attracted a record number of geriatrics, most of whom went into cardiac arrest when the Romans pulled out that sweet flesh-chopping razor blade whip. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Mel Gibson is getting a lot of praise (see picture) for this movie by people who have film contracts with him, so I'll try to keep my review as fair and balanced as possible.
 | The pudding |
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I never went to church. I've only been to Sunday School twice with my missionary-wannabe neighbors, so I don't know about the Lost Ark of the Covenant or the crucifiction. I only recall a few names from the movie, so I reserve the right to make up what I don't remember. Don't think that I didn't actually see the film just because I can't remember the characters' names - the proof is in the pudding (see photo). This review is going to be full of spoilers, so if you're a total wussbag who doesn't believe in the inevitability of Peak Oil, just stop reading now. You should know the story anyway. Don't any of you go to Sunday School?
THE PASSION of THE CHRIST starts out with Jesus and his homies hanging out in a blue foggy forest that doesn't look at all like a cheap movie set. Jesus's face is all bloody for some
reason, and three of his disciples ask what's wrong. He doesn't answer them, and goes to wallow around in a clearing. Just then, THE LORD OF DARKNESS shows up in the form of an androgenous fair-skinned person and taunts him. Satan sends a super-scary snake out to poke Jesus in the face, and he retaliates by STOMPING THAT SNAKE INTO THE DIRT! SQUISH!!! It must have been nice to live in a world without PETA.
Some Romans show up with Judas to capture Jesus. In the scuffle, one of the Romans gets his ear chopped off, and Jesus gives him a new one. After seeing this selfless act of gift-giving, Santa and Jesus don't seem all that different after all. They wrap the Lord Jesus Christ in chains and drag him to Jerusalem City. Judas runs into the bushes to hide after J-dawg glares at him, and this is where he sees a HAIRY SCARY WEREWOLF!!! I'm serious. Jesus and his captors finally make it to Jerusalem, where some elders scream about how he's calling himself the Son of Men. As much as this movie tries to get the audience to sympathize for Jesus, I can really see where they're coming from - Christ was totally pulling a Joan of Arc.
After a lengthy screaming session at a newly blackeyed Jesus, King Herman the Elder decides that Jesus is totally guilty of blasphemy, but before he can be killed, they need to ask permission from Pontus Pilaf, the Governor of Jerusalem. At this point the crowd goes totally apeshit, beating the crap out of Jesus. A couple people see Peter, a disciple, in the audience. They try to get him, but he denies ever knowing Jesus three times. If this was an attempt to work the number
of the trinity into the story, it was pretty weak.
Try harder next time, Mel. Peter runs away from the crowd, and sees Marys Virgin and Magdalene. Seeing how devoted they are to Jesus, he totally flips out and hides in the marketplace. Later that day, some kids kick a ball at him, and he snaps at them. The children TURN INTO ZOMBIES and chase Peter into the desert. Satan joins up with the kids and slinks around while Peter grovels
 | A zombie child attacks Peter |
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in the sand. When he looks up, the zombie children are gone, replaced by a maggot-ridden donkey corpse. I guess this was Peter's childhood donkey, because he is so grief-stricken, he hangs himself by a treebranch. So long, filler character!
Meanwhile, at Pontus Pilaf's castle, the crowd screams for Jesus's death. Pontus doesn't want to get involved, and backs down like a wuss. After a short conversation with Jesus, he says that Hammus, the fat drunk king of Nazareth should decide his fate. Elder Herman takes the Christ to Hammus. Jesus just stares at Hammus without saying anything, so Hammus rules him an innocent fool. Elder Herman gets all pised off, punches Jesus, and takes him back to Pontus Pilaf. Pontus, being the smartie he is, brings out a convicted murderer. He asks the crowd whether they would rather release Jesus or the murderer (sadly forgetting Brian), and they pick the murderer. Then they tell Pontus that he should crucify Jesus, and he objects. Jesus is to be "chastized", but not killed. The Romans handcuff the Son of God to a post and lash his back 32 times with bamboo. Then they get out a whip that has razorblades on the end, and start smashing it into his back over and over. There was one really intense part where the Roman soldier got the whip all the way around him, and tore out a bunch of his backflesh. Mel Gibson decided to film this all in slow-motion to ensure the highest possible death rate for his elderly viewers. Jesus's brother Donnie watches this display with the blubbering Mary twins, while Satan slinks around carrying a baby. Around this point, I noticed that the character of Satan was obviously ripped from Frodo's line about the Enemy in "The Fellowship of the Ring". Way to be original, Gibson. I think the estate of JRR Tolkien should sue him for adopting this illustrative device without paying royalties. Some generic Roman runs in after Jesus's back is torn to ribbons and tells the others to stop. They oblige,
 | Frodo and ripoff artist Mel Gibson |
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and Jesus is dragged back to Pontus Pilaf. For some reason, the conjoined Marys clean up all his blood with some towels. I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be metaphorical, but every explanation I came up with was just lame. Best I can figure, Jesus was soiling Roman imperialism, and Marys Virgin and Magdalene were trying to stop him but were too late, so they were only able to clean up the aftermath. The towels represent unrequited love.
Governor Pontus Pilaf gives Jesus back to the citizens, and they decide to crucify him. They march Jesus out in the street with his cross. Some dudes are screaming at him, Mary is crying, Jesus is all bloody, and he falls down. The Romans find another dude, Marcus, to help...
...man, I'm getting really bored with this story...
...they get this dude Marcus to help Jesus carry the cross. Jesus and Marcus carry it up the hill where two other guys are already crucified. Their names are Frank and Billy. Frank is a jerk, and a crow pecks out his eyeball. Billy respects Jesus, and in return Jesus uses the power of love to promise him an eternity of paradise. The Roman guards nail him to the cross, hoist it up and about 20 minutes later Gibson finally decides to end this goddamned movie.
Mel Gibson did as well as I think he could have, given the weak source material. Not a whole hell of a lot happened in this movie, and it just seemed to drag at the end. Also, I found a big problem with the movie's violence - for as much punishment as Christ took, he didn't bleed nearly enough. If this flick was anywhere close to accurate, Jesus would have died of blood loss on the whipping block. As for the religious implications, you really have to leave your bias at the door. I'm a card-carrying Agnostic, the most pussy religion this side of Scientology, and even I want to punch those stupid Jews and Catholics who say it's offensive. Jesus was probably just history's greatest con artist anyway. This is just a movie, and anybody who considers it a life-changing experience, for better or worse, deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot. Or even better, beaten for 45 minutes, then dragged out into the street carrying a cross and wearing a crown of thorns. He made a pretty decent film despite using enough slow motion to make Peter Jackson blush and drawing from the most boring book in the history of mankind. While I've been harsh with Gibson in this review, I do have to give him props for the finale. I thought it would end on the cliched "My God, why have you forsaken me?" line, but I was dead wrong. Check out Mel Gibson's masterful, touching ending to this controversial biopic below.
Chad is going to Hell.
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 | | | |  |  | | | Contrary to popular opinion, Joss Whedon and Will Wheaton are two completely different people.
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