April 2006
Dear Formless Underlord,
Last night, the galpal was, to put it bluntly, totally horny. Seriously. Like [DAMNED] rabbits that have sex SO MUCH. Thing is, she was all, "Henceforth!, thou shalt insert thine instrument of power into mine orifice of victory!", and I was all, "The [DAMNED] you sayin', [DAMNED]?" I totally love my girl, don't get me wrong- But when she wants to, as they say on TV, "bump buoy" (As I tell myself, think about it and take it any way you want), she starts talking really crazy. All I want to hear is a normal "[DAMNED] me", none of this Rennaissance [DAMNED]. How do I teach my woman the proper linguistics of love?
With much ado,
Deejay Zero-Gravity Orgasm.
HAIL MORTAL DEEJAY ZERO-GRAVI-ZERO-WHAT?
FIRST, INSECT, AN APOLOGY FOR THE CRIMSON CENSOR’S DAMNATION OF AN ENTIRE BRANCH OF YOUR LEXICON. UNDERSTAND: THE BORDERLESS SUFFERING IN THE REALM OF BURNING NIGHT IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT THE ADDED BURDEN OF YOUR CUSSING. NOW, HUMAN, YOUR ANSWER. CRAVE YOU SIMPLICITY IN YOUR OTHER’S COITAL SOLILOQUIES? THEN YOU YOURSELF MUST ASSUME THE MANTLE OF WORDSMITH. DEMAND THAT YOUR OTHER PROSTRATE HERSELF BEFORE YOU AND PREPARE FOR TORMENT UN-BELIEVED BY THE MULTITUDE AND UNHEARD BY YOUR SILENT GOD. SO DWARFED WILL BE HER MIND AND STILL HER HEART THAT VERILY SHALL YOU CARRY OUT YOUR DARK TASK IN SILENCE.
Dear formless underlord.
iv'e heard recently that there have been gremlins or some crazy, whacky creature on the prowl touching people's pants.
If this is the case i want to know where i can find information on this matter and want to hear from the victims of recent attacks.
P.S i think you are sexy =P
HAIL MORTAL =P!
THE “GREMLINS” OF WHOSE EXPLOITS YOU WRITE ARE INDEED AMONG YOUR MORTAL SWARM. KNOWN TO YOUR KIND AS ‘RAPISTS’ THEY WALK AS MEN YET LIVE AS DAEMONS, REAPING TORMENT AS THE HERDER OF DAYS CORRALS HIS GRIM FLOCK. FURTHER INFORMATION ON THIS MATTER, MORTAL, CAN BE FOUND AT THE MEANINGLESS ARRANGEMENTS OF BRICK AND PLYWOOD YOU CALL CHURCHES. VICTIMS CAN BE FOUND IN SUCH PLACES, AND INDEED IF THEY BE YOUNG BOYS, OCCASIONALLY THENCE THEY ARE CREATED.
POST SCRIPTURE: TO FIND SEXY A BEING FORMLESS IS TO BE AROUSED BY THE BREATHING OF A CORPSE, OR THE BEATING OF A STILL HEART. IF PARADOX DRIVE YOU TO YOUR CLIMAX, MORTAL, THEN GODSPEED.
I love The Formless Underlord, and would have raucous, unrestrained sex with him if I could..
Keep the good times coming.
GREETINGS, AIR-BREATHER.
YOU CONVENE NOW WITH GUMMY OF GRIMFURNACE- RETARDED PIXIE SLAVE TO THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD HIMSELF. IT IS MY CHARGE TO RESPOND QUICKLY AND PLEASANTLY TO ANY LETTER OFFICIALLY DEEMED ‘FAN-MAIL’ BY THE COUNCIL OF OGRES. THOUGH MY TIME IN YOUR REALM IS LONG DONE, GROUND-WALKER, MY FACULTIES DO SUPPLY THAT THIS BE INDEED ONE SUCH LETTER. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITED I AM TO CRAFT MY FIRST RESPONSE! LEST THE STARS PROVE THIS A WORTHY SKIRMISH! I WILL REQUEST FOR YOU, KIND SIR, THAT THE UNDERLORD KEEP THE GOOD TIMES COMING, AND IMPLORE HIM TO HAVE THIS RAUCOUS, UNRESTRAINED SEX OF WHICH YOU SPEAK, KNOWING NOT MYSELF WHAT EXACTLY IT MIGHT BE. THOUGH ANY FOOD YOU WISH TO SHARE WITH MY MOST INTANGIBLE OF MASTERS IS NO DOUBT A BOUNTY RICH AND WORTHY.
Dear Formless Underlord,
Recently, I contracted herpes from my girlfriend. She didn't tell me she had them, and when I started with the red bumps she was all "Oops! Did I forget to tell you?" Anyway, I'm really angry about it. What would you do in the situation?
HAIL MORTALQUARANTINE ZONE!
IN THE CRIMSON KINGDOM, BETRAYAL IS – AS ALL ELSE – NOTHING. EXCEPT PERHAPS THE MOODY NAME FOR A MOUNTAIN OF LIMBS JUST TO THE EAST OF THE LAUGHING BILE OCEANS. YOUR TINY SLICE OF REALITY, HOWEVER, IS STEEPED IN COLORS FALSE BUT BRIGHT. YOU DESCRIBE ABOVE WHAT IN THE DAY OF THE SWORD YOUR MEN OF MATTER SPOKE AS ABJECT DEFECTION. BLOOD FOR BLOOD, HUMAN. INFECT YOUR OTHER AS YOU SEE JUST.
daer formless underlord,
my friend took it upon himself to explain my situation in the wrong way. my problem is am in love with krystal the fox from starfox adventures and starfox assault games. i would give just about anything to be with her and think shes the most beutiful being ever.
help me out here.
yours truly,
A.Chicken
HAIL MORTAL FOWL,
WHEN YOUR COMPATRIOT SOUGHT COUNCIL AT THE FOOT OF THE CRIMSON THRONE, HE NEGATED TO BEHOOVE THAT YOU YOURSELF ARE, TO QUOTE, “A CHICKEN”. IT IS THIS TRUTH, FLIGHTLESS CREATURE, THAT SOILS YOUR COVETED UNION EVEN AS YOU DREAM. THE FOX, WHILE PERHAPS ABLE TO OVERCOME ITS DIFFERENCES WITH THE HOUND, WILL ALWAYS – ALWAYS MORTAL – VIEW THE CHICKEN AS A SHORT MEAL. THE MOST EROTIC MOMENT YOU CAN HOPE FOR, FEATHERED HUSK, IS THE EUPHORIA OF YOUR OTHER’S JAW AS DEATH COMES ON TWO DOZEN NEEDLES. ONLY AS A TOOTHPICK WILL YOU FIND YOUR PARADISE.
Gayloard
GREETINGS, AIR-BREATHER.
ONCE-MORE GUMMY OF GRIMFURNACE RESPONDS TO THE UNDERLORD’S FAN-MAIL. HONESTLY, MY FACULTIES STRETCH TO COMPREHEND WHAT YOUR MEANING IS HERE, BUT MY UNMOVING-UNSTILL MASTER SEEMS TO THINK THIS FAN-MAIL, SO I DIGRESS AS BEST I CAN. THANK-YOU, LUNCH-EATER, FOR YOUR KIND WORDS. WORD. THOUGH HE IS NOT ‘GAY’ AS IN FULL OF LAUGHTER, AND ALSO INEXPLICABLY (WORRYINGLY) EAGER TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM THE FILM ‘BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN’, MY MASTER IS GRATIFIED THAT YOU RECOGNIZE HIS STATUS AS A LORD. OR AT LEAST HINT AT SUCH RECOGNITION WITH THE CRYPTIC FORMULATION ‘LOARD’ WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE SOME KIND OF RIDDLE, AM I CORRECT?
Hail Formless Underlord of the Crimson Kingdom! My name is Chris Shadforth, also known as Ferdinand_Magellan, and mega star of Cadbury Creme Fantasies. You may have visited my site and seen me and my "Other" there. Nevertheless, I have yet to actually figure out how one could derive pleasure from a piece of confectionery and my sparse facial growth. Experiments have so far ended in hideous abominations from beyond the grave rising in slaughter, but perhaps this was the goat's blood? Please help Formless Underlord!
Chris (A.K.A Ferdinand M. colon dash pee)
HAIL MORTAL CHRIS SHADFORTH, ALSO KNOWN AS FERDINAND_MAGELLAN, AND MEGA STAR OF THE CADBURY CRÈME FANTASIES (AKA FERDINAND M. COLON DASH PEE)!
YOUR QUESTION IS UNCLEAR.
Dear Formless Underlord,
Way to screw up that whole Breakers project. And your backup.... a crate of sneetches? Come on.
Ted Brautigan
HAIL MORTAL BRATWURST!
THOUGH I, THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD, AM AUTHORIZED TO ADMIT THAT NEVER HAVE I FAVORED THE TALE OF A BREAK-DANCE CREW SECRETLY MEETING TO PRACTICE THEIR NEW MOVES, ONLY TO HAVE THE CITY’S FIERCEST BREAKERS SHOW UP AND CHALLENGE THEM TO A BATTLE THEY’RE NOT READY FOR , I MUST HENCEFORTH DENY ANY CORRELATION BETWEEN CRITICS’ HATRED FOR THIS 2003 OFFERING BY WRITER/DIRECTOR CHRIS HUTCHINSON AND THE INFINITE BLACKNESS THAT SPREAD FROM A REALM UNKNOWN TO THE MINDS OF FLESH, DURING JANUARY 27 2003’S OBSIDIAN MOVIE NIGHT (HELD BI-WEEKLY AT THE PIT OF IRE RIGHT BEFORE THE TENTACLE BEAST’S DARK UN-BARBEQUE).
Dear Formless Underlord,
What should i do, My father has touched me in my pants on a number of occasions, Should I,
A) Touch him back
B) Shoot him with our shot gun, or,
C) Swear to a voul of celabisy and waste away becoming a monk to make the world a better place.
Any help would be Greatly appreciated...
With all the love i posess
An aspiring young athleate
HAIL MORTAL “ATHLEATE”!
THOUGH THE DOGMA IN THIS SCORCHING TUNDRA OF WHICH I AM COME DEEMS THE CORRECT ANSWER IN A MULTIPLE CHOICE QUERY TO ALWAYS BE “C”, MY HAND STALLS IF ONLY TO WONDER AT THE MEANING BEHIND “VOUL” AND “CELABISY” – TERMS WHOSE TASK IS CLOUDED BY THEIR COMPOSITION. PERHAPS WE MAY SKIRT THE ISSUE, MORTAL, BY FOREGOING EVER WEARING PANTS ALL-TOGETHER. WERE I, THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD, INCLINED TO THE EARTHLY WASTES OF TIME SUCH AS ‘HUMOR’, I MIGHT HAVE PLACED THE WORD ‘SKIRT’ IN QUOTATION EARLIER TO IMPLY THE SUGGESTION OF WEARING A SKIRT INSTEAD, AND CREATING A DUALITY OF MEANING THAT MIGHT HAVE CAUSED MILD AMUSEMENT IN MY INSECT READER. OF SUCH DISTRACTION, HOWEVER, I HAVE NO NEED, FOR I DEEM IT A WASTE OF TIME.
THIS BE THE END OF MY GRIM SERMON!
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE SEXCHAT!
Use the form below to contact Andrey, the Formless Underlord’s servile host on this wretched earthly purgatory, with your questions about sexuality. The Formless Underlord is here to help!
21 February, 2006
Dear Formless Underlord,
My friend who happens to be a girl and I have known each other for 17 years. Over the course of a year, me and her
have become very...close. Problem is that she doesn't want to put out despite us knowing each other all our lives. What
words of seduction would you recommend for me to whisper in her ear to get the piece of the pie?
Thanks,
lightjohn4
HAIL MORTAL LIGHTHOUSE!
SEVENTEEN OF YOUR AIMLESS EARTHLY "YEARS" AMOUNT ONLY TO THE LENGTH OF TIME IT
TAKES FOR THE FESTERING WRETCH-SPAWN OF THE OX-SERPENT TO HEAVE A SINGLE, ANGUISHED,
BREATH. PERHAPS IN HER MISGUIDED IGNORANCE YOUR OTHER
CLINGS TO VIRGINITY AS THOUGH IT MEANT MORE THAN WHAT IT TRULY IS: A BIT OF DEAD SKIN ACTING
ONLY AS FORESHADOWING OF YOUR GRIM, DUSTY, FUTURE. EXPLAIN THE ABOVE TO
HER- PERHAPS USING THIS EXACT TERMINOLOGY - AND I AM CERTAIN THAT SOON YOU
SHALL BE SERVICED AS YOUR WILL BEHOOVES.
Dear Formless Underlord,
A certain friend of mine has a certain problem with a certain female fox from star fox. He wont stop thinking about
her...
What should he do, find hentai and whack off over it or just turn to guys?
Marche
HAIL MORTAL MARKETPLACE!
ETERNITY IN GRUESOME STUDY HAS ASCRIBED UNTO MY BEING THAT FILTHY MORTALS
DERIVE CONFUSION FROM ILL-BEGOTTEN ATTRACTION TO THE BEASTS OF THE FIELD, OR THE FOWL OF THE
CLOUD. ESPECIALLY IF SUCH BEASTS EXTEND ONLY INTO THE SECOND
DIMENSION. WHAT CAN BE DONE, YOU ASK? CLOSE YOUR FRIEND TO
THE THIRD DIMENSION. ENTOMB HIM IN A PLANE OF COMPLETE FLATNESS, PERHAPS
COMPOSED OF EARTHLY CONCRETE. HIS UNION WITH THE DEPTHLESS BEAST BE
DONE.
Dear Formless Underlord,
A enemy called me a "poof" what exactly am I. or in other words what is a "poof". And why is this word chosen to
be used for its meaning?
Johnny Cash
HAIL MORTAL MONETARY DENOMINATION!
ON YOUR
LAUGHABLE, FINITE WORLD ‘POOF’ IS THE FLIPPANT DEMARCATION OF ONE WHO SELECTS HIS
OTHERS NOT BY THE GIRTH OF THEIR HIPS, NOR THEIR ABILITY TO BEAR MANY SONS
THAT MAY DIE FOR HIM IN GLORIOUS BATTLE. A ‘POOF’ INSTEAD SELECTS HIS
OTHERS BY SIZE OF ADAM’S APPLE, AND WHAT
THE RAVING BANSHEE OF THE ACID MARSH REFERS TO AS “A FABULOUS SENSE OF STYLE”. ON A SIDE NOTE, MORTAL,
YOUR HUMAN MIND WOULD FOLD IN FIRE, WERE IT TO EVEN GLIMPSE THE TRUE NATURE OF THE WORD
‘ENEMY’.
man my cock is hard
HAIL MORTAL SENTENCE FRAGMENT!
SEXCHAT’S PUBLICITY ARM OBLIGES THAT I, THE FORMLESS
UNDERLORD, THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORTHLESS CONTRIBUTION, THOUGH ITS PURPOSE
HERE IN THE CRIMSON KINGDOM IS TANTAMOUNT TO THE CHILD’S
SILENT SCREAM. NOTHING. BUT SOFT: I TAKE IT
BACK. MORTAL JOHNNY CASH! YOU WERE ASKING WHAT A ‘POOF’ WAS. YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER,
HUMAN.
Dear Formless Underlord,
My girlfriend's really unhealthy. I man, i dunno what 2 do. she's really gross down there and just generally
unhealthy. how can i change this to have the best sex of my life?
Gerry Fredrickson, Squire Falls, Vermont
HAIL MORTAL VERMIN!
I SAY UNTO YOUR BLIND KINSMEN AGAIN AND
AGAIN: YOUR WORTHLESS, FILTHY ACT OF COITAL MINGLING IS FLEETING AND ABYSMAL IN ITS
GROTESQUE FAILURE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE VOID. THIS SAID,
MORTAL, I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO PROVIDE YOU WITH AN AVENUE TO THE
SEX HEALTH INFO-CENTRE, LOCATED ON THE
ETHEREAL PLANE KNOWN AS THE “INTERNET” AT THE FOLLOWING ENCODED LOCATION:
HTTP://WWW.SEXHEALTH.ORG/INFOCENTER/INFOMAIN.HTM
HARK- A WARNING FROM THE SCREECHING NETHER: ON THIS “WEBSITE”, WHEN THERE
IS MENTION OF BURNING AND REDNESS AND DEGENERATION OF THE HUMAN SKIN, DO NOT CONFUSE THIS
WITH THE APOCALYPSE I OFTEN FORE-TELL, NOR THE HORRIFIC GRANDEUR OF THE
CRIMSON KINGDOM. THE CONTEXT HERE IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, AND
FAR LESS EPIC (THOUGH, TO SOME, EQUALLY WORRYING).
Dear Formless Underlord,
How do I get my penis unlodged from my navel? Um, don't ask.
Innocent Bystander
HAIL MORTAL BYPRODUCT!
TO ME THE HUMAN IS AN INSECT- AS IN MIND,
SO IN BODY. WHEN ONE HAS SUFFERED ETERNITY AT THE VERY MOUTH OF AN ENDLESS
SEA OF SLIPPERY FORMS, LIMBS, EYES, TEETH, ALL GORING EACH-OTHER MADLY FOR SUPREMACY, ONE
CARES LITTLE TO DISTINGUISH LIMB FROM LIMB ON THE INFINITESIMAL HUMAN FORM. HOWEVER IF YOUR ‘PENIS’ DWELLS NOT IN THE ‘NAVEL’ AT BIRTH, PERHAPS DO AS THE DAMNED OF
THE WRITHING SEA DO, AND TEAR AT IT WITH YOUR RAVENOUS HANDS, OR TEETH. WORKS FOR THEM.
Dear Formless Underlord,
My hand smells funny.
Pierre
HAIL MORTAL FRANCOPHONE!
I AM NOT GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THE
HUMOR IN ODORS THAT EMANATE FROM THE MORTAL LIMB. NOR DO I COMPREHEND THE QUESTION THAT MIGHT ARISE FROM SUCH A STATEMENT. IS
THIS ODOR NATURAL? IF SO, REJOICE! IF IT IS
MALEVOLENT, SIMPLY REMOVE THE LIMB AND BE-DONE. TROUBLE ME NOT WITH
INCOMPLETE STATEMENTS, FOOLS, OR SUFFER MY LIMITLESS IRE. AND THAT OF MY
STRINGENT SUBMISSION POLICY REGULATORS.
Dear Formless Underlord,
While I assure you that I am totally NOT homosexual, if I were, which I am not, how would I go about finding myself
a gay partner? As a non-gay person, I go for the ladies, but I was wondering if there were separate techniques for the
guys, and if you knew of any such techniques, for a purely hypothetical situation.
"Alfonso"
HAIL MORTAL POOF!
THE COURTING DILEMMA YOU FACE IS RESOLVED IN A MANNER THAT
PRESENTS ITSELF EASILY, EARTH-MAN. IF IT A FEMALE OTHER YOU
SEEK, YOUR PHALLUS MUST BE INSERTED INTO HER VAGINAL REGION. IF, HOWEVER, IT IS
A MALE THAT SUITS YOU, YOUR PHALLUS MUST BE INSERTED INTO HIS FECAL CAVITY. NOT EVERYBODY HERE AT THE CRIMSON KINGDOM IS OKAY
WITH THAT KIND OF THING, BUT HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE IS FINE WITH ME, THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD, AS LONG AS YOU DON’T DO IT
AROUND HERE. I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE, MORTAL. I HAVE MANY
GAY FRIENDS. (WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY ARE FILLED WITH MIRTH BECAUSE,
AS YOU KNOW, EVERYONE AT THE FOOT OF THE CRIMSON THRONE
WAILS FOREVER IN CEASELESS TORMENT. THEIR WAILING, THOUGH, IS
FABULOUS.)
THIS BE THE END OF MY GRIM SERMON!
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE SEXCHAT!
Use the form below to contact Andrey, the Formless Underlord’s servile host on this wretched earthly purgatory, with your questions about sexuality. The Formless Underlord is here to help!
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