Lecture #1:
So you've made an abomination against nature!
Hello Class,
So you've made an abomination against nature. Congratulations! You've joined a long line of illustrious persons, including John Romero (Zombies), Victor Frankenstein (Frankensteins), Nostradamus (Ghosts), Cesar Romero (Gerbil Skeletons), Jesus (Lazaruseseseeses), and Quentin Tarentino (John Travoltas). But now that you have made your sin against the natural order, it's time to find out what it is.
There are many types of undead monstrosities, but the most common are reanimated corpses. Frequently these come in skeleton and zombie form. The major difference between a skeleton and a zombie is the bone to flesh ratio. (But don't tell them this. They like to believe there's more to it than that. There isn't.) If there is more than a 2.5:1 bone to flesh ratio, it is a skeleton. Less than 2.5:1, it's a zombie.
However, perhaps some kind of alchemical pseudo-science and/or grave robbing was involved? Does your potential skeleton/zombie seem to have a capacity to learn? Maybe then you have a Frankenstein. Some people will tell you that Frankenstien was the scientist who made the monster, not the monster itself. Those people are idiots. You are the one who made the monster, and it's called a Frankenstein.
Now, maybe your damned creation is already hyper-intelligent, charming and has a taste for the lifeblood of innocents? You are looking at a Dracula there. Some people will tell you that Dracula is the name of a vampire in a popular novel, not the name of all vampires. Those people are idiots. You are the one who made the vampire, and it's called a Dracula.
"But Mister Cope", you say.
That's Professor Cope to you. And in answer to your question, if your lifeless-but-living fiend lacks a body, but still has form, you'll have to wait. I deal with that in Lecture #7.
Now, lastly, perhaps your beast has the qualities of a zombie, but seems faster, smellier, stronger and more cannibalistic, going for organs, flesh and blood, rather than just the traditional brains. Well then you have a ghoul or a ghost on your hands. Kill it before it breeds.
Well, I hope this has cleared up some confusion on what terrible, terrible thing you have brought into unlife. Good luck, and make sure to have a steady supply of bison meat ready - it'll be pretty important. More on that in Lecture #4!
Lecture #2:
Good God, the suffering just won't stop! Please God, tear my eyeballs out, and let me die, for all I see is horror and despair! Why did I allow myself to purchase that breakfast burrito!
or: "Congratulations, you yourself are an undead abomination!”
Welcome to the world of the unloving. Be assured your soul has indeed departed, or may have never existed. Either way, you are now committed to an existence of endless suffering, where the jackals mock you and tear at your flesh and the tender caress of love is foreign and hateful to you! It's time now to embark on an exciting new life as a sin against nature!
Step 1: Find lodging!
Sunlight will be hateful to you, so find a subterranean lair. Be it the sewers, or a cave, or some guy’s Jetta, a dark hole will be key. Make sure you get the keys to the Jetta. They are also key.
Step 2: Find a source of food.
I cannot stress the importance of Bison Meat. It will only make you stronger. Or Co-eds, as they will fuel your inevitable voyeuristic tendencies.
Step 3: Welcome to Voyeurism!
You will be privy to a lot of premarital sex. A lot.
Step 4: Settle in.
Become accustomed to your life of meaningless flesh rending and days spent recalling the brief moments of joy you spent as a real human. Perhaps you wish to stalk/eat your former loved ones? Many have found this a fun diversion from the life of excruciating agony in which you now dwell, maybe you will too?
Step 5: Repeat.
Inevitably, you will be driven from your lair, so find a new lair, food, sexy co-eds and loved ones, and eat them all.
Congratulations, you are now a full fledged member of the soulless corpse corps.
Good luck!
Lecture #3:
Fact or Fiction?
Hello class, today I will be affirming (or shattering like Nancy Kerrigan’s kneecaps) 10 wide held beliefs concerning the unliving. These will be on the final exam, so take careful notes.
1. Zombies enjoy the sound of chamber music.
Fact. However, you must be very careful that the size of the orchestra or choir does not exceed thirty, or else the music will simply enrage the beasts.
2. Vampires are repelled by crosses, or other Holy Symbols.
Fiction. Vampires are actually just afraid of the Ghost of Jesus (see lecture #5). They are actually rather attracted to some holy symbols, such as the Koran, as they are quite chummy with the Ghost of Mohammed (see lecture #911). (Too soon?)
3. Skeletons live in closets.
Fact. But even when they come out of said closets, they are still skeletons. Only they are fabulous skeletons now.
4. There is a ghost in my attic.
Fiction. That's just your son. He's looking for your old weights. No, he's not rummaging through Aunt Linda's old things, no, don't come help help him, he's fine, and... well now you've just barged in and made everything awkward. It’s your own fault. Now you've got your own fabulous skeleton in your closet and he can share fashion tips with your son. I hope you are happy.
5. Ghosts are created when a truly horrific or traumatic event occurs, and a soul is unable to finish what it was put on earth to do.
Fiction. Ghosts are just lazy jerks who won't climb the stairway to heaven and get their rocks off rearranging my furniture two inches to the left while I'm out grocery shopping, so when I get home I trip over my ottoman, spilling Ragu everywhere. Bastards.
6. Vampires cannot enter your home without your permission.
Fiction. They cannot, however, use your VCR without your permission. Or at least the manual, and you're probably the only one who knows where the damn thing is. Who uses VHS anymore anyways? Get with the program, people - HD and BluRay are out for God's sake, and you're still using magnetic tape?
7. The Rolling Stones are ghouls.
Fact.
8. Frankenstein was wrong to play god.
Fiction. I'm playing God in a little theatre production of "The Ten Commandments" and I'm having the time of my life. Victor knew what he was on about.
9. My lawn mower is possessed by the Devil.
Fact. Lucifer loves the smell of freshly mown grass.
10. Walt Disney is still living.
Fact. If you call it living. Michael Eisener (the guy possessing your lawn mower) made him sign away his empire for immortality, and he's flipping burgers at the local grease pit. It's sad, really. He's still anti-Semitic as ever, but without the trappings of wealth to make it attributable to eccentricity. Sad...
Well, I hope this has cleared up some confusion. Feel free to ask questions, and remember:
It craves the blood of the innocent. Kill your family and you shall be spared.
Until next time!
Professor Cope is currently accepting course-related questions. Please submit your queries below.
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 | | | |  |  | | | In the film "Lilo & Stitch", Stitch drove a gas tank into an active volcano, then ripped it open so that the gas spewed out onto the lava, then he rode on the explosion to land on a spaceship in the sky.
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