The Chicken Feed

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Mailbag: Jesus Wants Spiritual Fruit

Posted on February 28th, 2006 by Ben K

hey cool site… i love poo… i was looking for pictures on google (something tells me youve heard of it) and i typed in chicken poo and this site came up.. pretty funny

Mister Bung: I’d just like to state for clarity, you are not the target audience.

Andrey: Yeah, man something like that happened to me once. I went to Google, typed in “HappyBob Rubber Chicken TRC Aussie Ben”, and this site came up as one of the listings. Pretty damn creepy coincidence, I thought.

Your harry potter hate mail is awful and this is an awful website harry potter is genius, if is you dont like the reson is that you probably cant understand it. it actully takes a smart person to read it

Andrey: Ironically, the fact that understanding this website also requires some basic mental faculties somehow tore its way right by you. Obviously, you need to be far brainer to “get” TRC than you need to be for Harry Potter.

HappyBob: The internet doesn’t always bring out the best in otherwise-bright people, so we try not to judge. But when you send a complaint through a feedback form on a page that explicitly states the article in question is a joke, several times, in a section called Tomfoolery, on an internet page called The Rubber Chicken, you’re not making it easy for us here.

So I just read your feature of Cinema’s Greatest Rip-offs, and I muat say I now see the truth. Well, when I say “read” I more or less mean “skimmed through the pictures after viewing the titles of comparison”. Either way, I would like to thank you for opening my eyes to the truth, but I must point out a blatant error. When you used the utterly outside-the-box tactic of comparing shapes in Star Wars and Star Trek, one of your pictures was from the movie “Space Balls” leaving the second comparison temporarily useless.

Yours truly,
Urto

P.S. Can I have a job as a writer?!?!? I CAN GET PAID WITH ATTENTION, I SWEAR! MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS ***** and I CAN GIVE YOU MY SOCIAL SECURTY NUMBER AND SAVINGS ACCOUNT PIN!

Mister Bung: First off, I hate you. Second of all, no. You will not ever, and I’d like to stress the importance of this, EVER write for this site. Or in fact anything ever again.Because I’m coming to your house RIGHT now to cut off your hands.

did anyone NEVER notice that the lord of the rings movies are an OBVIOUS rip-off of Bored of the Rings?!?! duh!

HappyBob: This guy, on the other hand, is replacing Ettin as head writer #4.

I would just like to ask why Ben is in the Wikipedia article to “Hating Alison Ashley”, but not in the IMDb listing?

From your soon to be stalker,

William.

Mister Bung: Hollywood is a complicated place. The power struggles that take place daily would boggle your strange little mind, probably pulping it and shooting it out of your nostrils, creating a sort of brain tissue ink blot at your feet.
I would like to take credit for the site’s first mention of a brain tissue ink blot. To answer your question, several wheels of cheddar.

Aussie Ben: Here, I will save you some money. Here are all the scenes I appear in, close up and long shot:

Please do not watch this movie. I’m asking you this as a friend who wants you to remain sane, so that you can continue to stalk me, and not be found gibbering on the floor in madness.

i think paris hilton song is amazing i mean she has to do summit with her life other than be an heiress you guys are probaly stupid emo’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HappyBob: I’m impressed you managed to get through that and breathe at the same time, spelling most words correctly in the process. Thank you for your interest in The Rubber Chicken!

Glancy: Dude, shut up! I think this guy thinks that I’m Paris Hilton.

bring back Family MAtters now!!!!!!!!11 it’s a rare condition this day and age!!!

Love,
Erica “Maxine”
Joey “Urkel”

Mister Bung: Rare condition? Like that disease that makes you speak only in french palindromes? A tragic disease, just tragic.

Chad: By ‘Rare condition’ do you mean taking five years to release a mediocre, bug-riddled port of an unsuccessful video game?

Hyle: Family Matters will probably never return, although I can give you an educated guess on where some of the characters are now.

Carl Winslow – Realizing that his donut addiction was overcompensating for his latent homosexual desires, Carl Winslow left the police force and abandoned Harriet. He’s now living with his new boyfriend Eugene in New York, training to be a Ghostbuster under Winston Zeddmore.

Steve Urkel – Unable to satisfy his new wife Laura (in a marital way), Urkel turned to alcoholism. Since then, he’s had to clone himself several times in order to harvest new livers.

Harriet Winslow – Once Carl left her, she sold the house and decided to move in with her sister Rachel. The only problem was that Rachel didn’t recognize Harriet, as she was recast in the last season of the show, and had her kicked to the street. The actual explanation? She’s not the true Harriet. She’s…

Judy Winslow – Yes, the new Harriet was an adult Judy Winslow. Judy actually existed past her disappearance on the show, but when Urkel started time traveling, he had accidently erased her from the timestream. Shortly after the final season, Urkel developed a sliding device that could open wormholes to alternate realities. Doing this, he discovered a reality where Judy Winslow still existed, exposing her to “our” Winslows for the first time since they had forgotten about her. This alternate Judy grew up to resent “our” Winslows for their disregard of her, and as such grew up to be quite insane. She used Urkel’s time travel wristband in conjuction with the sliding device to travel back to our reality during Family Matter’s last season and kill Harriet. With the help of mass hypnosis, she easily assumed her identity and had plans to do away with the rest of the Winslows. Carl leaving her nixed that, so she now wanders the streets of Chicago looking for hobos to satisfy her bloodlust.

Eddie Winslow – After getting shot in the face by his old friend Weasel during an attempted Piggly Wiggly hold-up, Eddie realized that being a police officer was not all glam and glitter. After extensive plastic surgery, he decided to change his name to Ken Lobb and begin working for Microsoft.

Laura Winslow – Not able to deal with Urkel’s alcoholism (and the nerdy beatings she suffered at his drunken hands), Laura reunited with Urkel’s sauve clone, Stefan, and began having an affair with him. She had his love child, and Urkel was none the wiser as DNA testing proved it was his baby (he shares the same genetic makeup as Stefan). The problem? Stefan’s cool genes corrupted his sperm, making the child an inherently evil super genius. An inherently evil super genius who hated the Jews. The only one to figure out the “Harriet Winslow/Judy Winslow” secret, he was inspired by both that and Eddie become Ken Lobb. He gave himself plastic surgery, went back in time to the Weimar Republic, and assumed the identity of a young man named Adolf Hitler. Laura Winslow has yet to discover her offspring was responsible for the Holocaust.

Little Ritchie – With an out-of-control jerry curl mullet, Little Ritchie was destined for great things. Male pattern baldness robbed him of this. He now dons a jerry curl wig, but those who say they can’t tell it’s fake are lying out of kindness. Unable to garner respect, he’s currently unemployed and mooching off of 3J.

3J – Under pen names, he spends his days writing letters to Australian humor sites begging them to bring back Family Matters. It’s unclear how he’s able to financially support himself doing this.

It’s a cartoon for kids fer cryin’ out loud, lets just leave it at that an allow them to beleive in S*** that will never happen. by the way id love to be a tiger shark furry!^_^

Ben: Reincarnation suggests that you will in fact become a Hammerhead Shark Furry instead. Too bad, try again next lifetime.

You guys can all go collect the blood squirted from your ears and squirt it into you eyes- I love this song (THE REAL VERSION) very ideal 4 clubbing

Ben: …small children repeatedly!

HappyBob: We did warn you not to download it. Besides, it’s not about the song itself; we’re merely angry with Paris Hilton for existing and making such a big fuss of it. There are no hard feelings between us and the songwriters. On the contrary…

This is Greg Wells writing… my cowriter Kara and I had never imagined that our little pop song could sound so… well….. unique! Definitely a braver rendering than any pop diva could give. Bravo, Glancy.

Glancy: Greg,

It warms my heart to hear that my singing did not account for any of your personal blood loss. FYI, I have prepared a demo tape of myself covering some of my favorite Latin American pieces. Give me a ring if you’re interested.

Glancy

I have video proof that Grimace had 4 arms, as well as video proof of Mayor McCheese running for election of McDonaldland. I also have poof that in the magical McDonaldland, the waste cans actually sang about eating the trash. If interested, let me know.

Chad: Sounds like an endorsement of Hinduism if I’ve ever heard one.

Ben: So does that mean that McDonalds has been kosher all along? Or is it halal? Or is it neither?

Teehee, Happybob can’t bowl a ball.

Glancy: True, but you should see the guy fence a parking meter.

To all at Rubber Chicken,
you are brilliant! Congratulations!!
Tim Cury and John Rhys-thingy are personal friends of mine. Wonderful to see you furthering their careers.

Tiffany Sapphire Heartz

Mister Bung: I’m going to take a stab here and guess your real name isn’t Heartz. If it is, well. How about that.

Klobber: A true friend is one who will remain friends with you, even when you cannot spell their name properly or forget their name entirely.

Andrey: I’m not going to comment. Why don’t my close personal friends Alabaster “HippyBob” Krang, or Brad McKinnel give it a go?

Chad: Just the other night I saw John Rhys-Davies in the Sci Fi Channel Original Movie “Chupacabra: Dark Seas”.

I love Irma too! She rocks

Ben: My friend, you and I are in the vast global minority on this one, I’m afraid.

can you get the actual movies of this

HappyBob: Only under the counter of certain less reputable specialist shops in Sweden. Try the Ivory Swan in the unnamed alley behind Vela Avenue. Ask for Snake.

How can somebody get a writing position at the Rubber Chicken?

-Robbie McKinnon

Mister Bung: After recent…. unpleasantness, the hiring process has become much much stricter. If you’re REALLY interested, send us some of your stuff – but if we don’t like it – and there’s an abnormally high chance of this – you won’t be taken on. As is, people aren’t going to be hired ever again, instead they will contribute. Which is just as nice really.
So there you go, an actual answer.

Andrey: Do what I did. Work with HappyBob on like six other websites, and get your name added to the staff list as a formality. You never actually have to write anything, and people hate you ANYWAY*. (*people don’t actually hate me. My mom says.)

Glancy: It should also be noted that the firing policy is much less strict than the current hiring policy, which explains what I’m still doing around.

Pingu: Basically, do exactly what Andrey said, except disappear abruptly whenever actual work comes about and be sure to fill in for the cartoonist-programmer type guy whenever he leaves for his annual 10-month long hangover.

Chad: I don’t know, I just wrote some haikus and now they ask me to answer letters.

Not bad, but you missed the fact that that giant metal plate used to seal the “Nukibarb™” under the earth seemingly comes out of nowhere. Now, if you trace back a couple panels earlier, you can clearly see that Lila is aiming her mighty tornado at a specific spot at the lake. If we’re to say that the metal plate came from the lake, it’s some coincidence that Lila knew EXACTLY where it was. Something smells fishy, and it’s not (only) the smell of that drowning swimmer’s now rotten corpse.

It’s stuff like this which makes you begin questioning the character’s REAL motives, if the Planeteers really are just good, honest kids with magic rings that can cause them enough mass destruction to land them as rulers of the world. It’s also stuff like this which pushes you that little bit further to write a conspiracy website about said 90′s cartoon which may or may not also have subtle links with the ’69 Moon landing and if the American government it run by lizardmen.

Also, wasn’t that one episode with Captain Pollution just awesome? Except for Maxamillion’s power. What kind of power is deforestation? BAM. Look, I knocked down a tree. Feel the wrath of Maxamillion with his cruel tree-knock-downing deeds!!!111

Good times, that Captain Planet. Taught me what Acid Rain was, it did.

Mister Bung: I tell you, if I had one of those rings (even heart, the damage you could cause controling emotion would be substantial) I WOULD be in charge of things. I always hated the fact that those pussy Planeteers were so damned passive. Wheeler could control FIRE. FIRE. What did he use it for? To weld things and evaporate water. He could have quite easily roasted that smug face off (the cleverly named) Looten Plunder, but no. No, instead they summon that preachy fool Captain Planet to deliver quips and bend sludge filled pipes into ribbons and whatnot.

In the same vein, why the hell did the Power Rangers even HAVE seperate zords? The only ended up joining them into Megazord anyway.

Ben: I think the general opinion around the (virtual and nebulous) TRC Office is that the Captain Pollution three-parter is quite possibly the pinnacle of the series. As for the Deforestation power, you’re simply not thinking creative enough. Sure, it could be used to chop a tree (Oh no, how horrifying!). But why not instead use it to make a person on live television bald? Now THAT’S the kind of power I’d like to wield. “Surrender, American President Guy, or you’ll find yourself facing the most threatening terror yet – the COMBOVER!”And of course, sinister laughter would have to follow. You’d have to practice it, though – too little and it just sounds like you just thought of something funny. Too much and people start looking at their watches, or if they’re smart, shoot you. Being a successful villain is a fine art.

After reading this feature, I learned that the scroll button was my new best friend.

Mister Bung: So you’re telling us you’re socially inept?

Pingu: I understand this phrase has different implications in foreign nations.

Ben: I’m sure this would be much more wounding to someone on staff if we actually knew which feature you were referring to. You see people, this is why you don’t write in with letter fragments and presume we’re all psychic or something. I haven’t even got my Basic Braining Merit Badge yet.

But if it’s about the Street Sharks one, good for you. I HATE that show. Just mentioning it makes the bile rise. But I think I might have to beat that dead horse a bit more because I hate myself.

Urkel is a huge loser

Ben: Er, I thought that was kind of the whole point, wasn’t it?

Dear HappyBob,
You’ve proved that the power is yours. Your panel-by-panel analysis is nothing short of brilliant. You are a comic genius and a gifted wordsmith. Now go and clean up your room.
Love Mum

Mister Bung: Ha HA! Foiled! Bob doesn’t live in a room! He in fact lives in a GARAGE retrofitted with bedroom furnitue and other doohickeys! Falsehood! Flim Flam! You are DISCOVERED.

I learned that the magic of Christmas was in me all along. Who woulda thunk it?

Glancy: FACT: The Magic of Christmas is, in actuality, located inside of the human appendix. Therefore the antagonists in all Christmas specials have previously had appendicitis or, more commonly, are simply Jewish.

Dear TRC Klobber. I love you so very, very much. Pleas provide me with (hand-drawn) pictures of yourself to show to my friends.

Klobber: Thanks for the compliment! Here is a picture of me buried under 300 feet of snow:


klobbersnow

Í LÍKÉ €HÍ€KÉN$ MÓRE THÁN YÓÚ Í BÉT YÓÚ DÍDN’T KNÓW THÉ $CÍÉNTÍFIC NÁMÉ FÓR €HÍCKÉN Í$ GÁLLÚS DÓMÉSTÍCÚ$ (THÉ Á€€$Í ÁRT ÍS ÍNTÉNDÉD

Mister Bung: Just so you know, it took you far more time to write that than it did for me to ignore it.

Klobber: I’m going to assume the blatant stupidity was intended as well.

ur website sux

Ben: …and yet you’re reading it and interacting with it by submitting letters to the mailbag. Go figure, eh?

Your tim curry download does not work i.e. Anything Can Happen on Halloween so can you repair the link or send me the song to (snip)@aol.com
thank you, Lucrezia

Mister Bung: It does work, you just need to upgrade the internet. The WHOLE of the internet.

Ben: And now for a less sarcastic and hate-filled reply: It’s fixed now.

“Did you find a factual error in this article?”

No.

-Chad McCanna

Mister Bung: You’re just not trying anymore man. Awesome Nixon impression though.

Chad: Ironically, there was a factual error in my letter.

Dear Rubber Chicken,

When I heard that Chad McCanna, a contributor to your site, had written a letter into your mailbag, I was furious. What kind of idiotic gimmick is it to have your own staff dilute what ought to be the READER’s avenue for having their voice heard? I’m appalled and NEVER coming to this website again.

-Andrey Summers

INTERMISSION


Dear esteemed staff of the The Rubber Chicken.

I have noticed in my travels throughout your piece of interwebbery that on several occasions your site has been updated with a form of update known as a “Site Update”. What intrigues me about these unique updates is the frequency with which a picture of a lawnmower accompanies this update. I am interested to know the significance of this lawnmower. Is it the embodiment of site updatery? Is it the Long Lost In-joke? Is it something that you decide to put in the update to make it look spiffy and random, but don’t realise you use the same picture every time? Please help me with this problem.

Hans Stockmann.

Mister Bung: Short Answer – We are lazy and easily amused. Shorter Answer – No.

I read ethals reviews on amazon and first off I dont want to be rude but conkers has an M on the front as well as a warning strip on it so buying it for your nephew was your bad. and Halo 2 is only for X-box and cannot play on a computer. and a red boc does not mean communist its just a color.

Mister Bung: Hello Stupid Person! You are Stupid!

Klobber: That’s just the kind of nonsense and propaganda I’d expect from a communist!

Ben: “A red boc”? As in “Boc”, short for “t-butoxycarbonyl”, which is described as “an amino-protecting group used in peptide synthesis”?

Family Matters is the greatest show to ever be aired. I watch all of the re-runs that are shown on ABC Family I love it. Please Bring it back! It was and still is one of the greatest family shows out there.

Chad: Enough, 3-J. Christ.

I have a burning question:

If time travel is possible….how come we don’t have poeple from the future running around?

also…in searching for answers…you should try consulting the Consortium Of Genius at: (snip)@ConsortiumOfGenius.com
they’re a band trying to take over the world…but they ARE geniuses!

Mister Bung: We do. Uh, I mean, there might be. But then again there might not be. Probably aren’t. I really wouldn’t worry about it. I- uh… hey look a blue car!

My Guide to finding out if you’re tall

- You’re given the nickname ‘Lofty’ when you’re conscripted into the Armed Forces.
- You find it easier to get employment in workplaces with very high shelves.
- You sometimes feel as if you should have beans growing on you.
- Your head is a mass of bruises from banging it on ceilings, and you live in a cathedral.
- On a clear day, you can see France.
- You feel curiously at home in Giant Redwood forests.
- The lyrics of the song “Short People” by Randy Newman make you feel paranoid.
- You have difficulty seeing things because of the cloud layer.
- People have been known to use you as a navigational aid.
- You have to get someone to shout “TIMBER!” every time you need to bend over.
- When you wear an illuminated miner’s helmet, astronomers have to update all their star charts.
- You earn a living performing dentistry on giraffes.
- You use full-length dress mirrors to see how your shoes look.
- People come up to you and say “My, you’re very tall.”

Mister Bung: A comprehensive list to be sure, I’m impressed. Your death shall be swift.

Andrey: You forgot “You have debilitating scoliosis, and muscle-degeneration in the lower back, requiring semi-annual surgery and decreasing your life-span by up to thirty years.”

Glancy: I would suggest you cut out four reasons, retitle it “Top 10 Reasons You Know You’re Too Tall” and then send it on over David Letterman’s way!

Do you know who invented the rubber chicken?

thank you.

Mister Bung: It was invented by Mr. Rodriguez Rubber-Chicken in 1724.

Klobber: It’s one of life’s great mysteries, along with how half the people who send in letters manage to breathe.

Chad: I’d imagine it was the same guy who invented the pulley.

its funny that playstation came out on top the aint it!!!!

Klobber: I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING.

tee-he you guys are verry silly! thank you for brightening my day! i nearly wet my pants reading the fanfiction thinggy with the dancing cat and jar jar binks! maybe I have a problem =S hehe keep up the good work!
luv jenn =)

Ben: Hello there Jenn! We here at The Rubber Chicken are Pleased As Punch that you enjoy our website. Even the horrific Fanfiction bit that hasn’t been looked at by the staff for months! Princess Hannah is very proud of Mittens, and would surely appreciate it if you purchased a mug featuring everyone’s favourite kitten. I can personally endorse it due to the fact that I have one here at home. It certainly would be quite possible to suffocate in it.

I just read your crap-comics-people-of-importance-harrassment article. Highly, highly amusing. It’s a good job you don’t have a donate button on your site, otherwise I’d give you money with such liberality and financial disregard as to thoroughly bankrupt myself within a few days.

Admittedly this could be because I’m extremely poor.

But you know what I meant.

Love you all.

Chris

Mister Bung: If you REALLY love us and want to donate, email HappyBob with the title “I BRING GIFTS FROM AFAR”. Alternatively, buy stuff from The Store.

Dear HappyBob
I am from Germany and heard from a friend this super homepage. I want to ask you about the program withyou have made the animations. I thank you for answer.

Answer me under:
(snip)@tele2.de

Andrey: Is this far enough under it? Yes? Okay, good. There are, presumably, Flash animations here which were made using Flash. The others were hand-drawn by hundreds of artists in Walt Disney Studios Florida. Listen, I know you addressed this letter to HappyBob, and I’m not actually him, but you admitted right off the bat that you’re German, and I’m the only one here who thinks what you guys had to say back in the day made a lot of sense.

Pingu: The earlier ones (like the EvilBob series and whatnot) are made with Animation Shop 3, which comes with Paint Shop Pro. If you can afford it (or you’re a dirty rotten pirate, like most contributors) get yourself a copy of Flash and cut your animation time by a factor of 10 or so. For example, Mr. Pants’ Day Out took about two months to animate two minutes of video while I’m sure the whole thing could have been completed in that time had someone introduced me to Flash in grade seven, when I still had that kind of dedication.

Anyone got a pic of Tim Curry as the Wilderness Girl from the movie “Loaded Waepon 1″?

Thanx!

Mister Bung: I do but it’s for my own personal use. Savvy?

Hey man do you know a code to make Tooty from banjokazooie nude? Thanx.

–TOOTYLOVE

Andrey: Yeah, what you do is you go to the main menu, hold down the Z-trigger, and remain in that position until you die of thirst.

I want to see more from Glancy. That kid’s a real card!

Mister Bung: He sure is. Specifically, he is the 3 of hearts.

Glancy: …Father?

the worst witch = best tim curry movie ever created on the face of this earth

Glancy: He’s right. Muppet Treasure Island was shot on one of Saturn’s moons.

Your Movie World (in Australia) was hilarious! Good work…

Mister Bung: I’m glad you clarified which Movie World article you were talking about, it makes it much easier to find in the Movie World Article Archives.

Good god! That pizza is pure evil.

Ben: TRC Trivia Time! (Ooh, alliteration.) When we were at Bob’s place for our semi-annual meet-up-a-thon (IN COLOUR!), Bob suggested that maybe we could actually make the TRC Pizza. There was a pause, then a horrified collective NO.

I mean, christ, Baked Beans on a PIZZA?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Get a life you bunch of freaks. Who cares what people think of a fictional charcter. You are the saddest bunch of twats i’ve ever come across. Get out there more, and learn to spell!

Mister Bung: I’m sure you’re just angry because no ones helped you retrieve the stick from your ass. Also, you spelt ‘character’ wrong. Gold star for effort though!

Klobber: This letter has opened my eyes. I am going to quit working at this website immediately and pursue a career in farming. I’ll see the rest of you in Hell, except I won’t because as an honest farmer I will go to Heaven.

i don’t know who you guys are but you’re seriously cool. i had a crush on him when i was 8. i am now 13. and i tell every one i don’t like him but he’s still cool. seeya.

Glancy: A part of me likes to believe that this letter is directed towards Lee Thomas.

Ben: …while a part of me likes to think that this letter was FROM Lee Thomas.

I think Sawyer from the T.V series Lost said it best when he said “Who dosent like Bob Marley?”

Chad: When I read this, the first thought that entered my mind was, “No, it that was Michael’s line.” And then I got depressed.

Hello, my name is Dorothy and I am french. My boyfriend is very very very fan of Steve urkel and i search a gift like a mug or a shirt with steve. Can you give me where i can try this? Thank you very much for your help

Ben: For all your Steve Urkel/Family Matters merchandise-related needs, simply follow this link. There won’t be anything related to Steve Urkel, but the stuff we’ve got is Really Nice (written with capital letters and everything).

Hey,when are you doind prank calls?

Oh,and keep in mind we made a fool out of me.I now prank call someone or another every so often…

~Alex S.~

P.S. Oh,and the Harry Potter article was great,keep it up!

Mister Bung: Watch this space. You hear that hissing sound? That would be my dignity deflating.

I made my own Crap Comic!

Editors’ Note: What followed was a link to a dreadfully unfunny attempt at a Crap Comic, where the “artist” (this term is used incredibly loosely) misses the point completely and takes the title of the series literally. Thus, they make one of the characters excrete Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo with a “poot” sound effect.


Aussie Ben: Not only is your fetid attempt at a comic not funny, but it’s not worthy of existence. So instead, we decided to describe it to the people at home rather than have to submit them to the horror of having to actually see it with their own eyes. It’s pretty pathetic that there are over twenty of these things, they take bugger all time to make, even poorly, and you still didn’t manage to get it right.

In short: There’s only one instance where the word “poot” is funny, and that’s in the Discworld novel Reaper Man when Mustrum Ridcully is saying it instead of swearing.

Hi How are you

Mister Bung: Aggravated by these semi-literate and quite frankly spastic letters. Also, my back is sore from carrying around my massive ego.

And now, the Your Writing Is So Awful Watch This Movie To Burn Out Your Eyes Seeing As You Don’t Use Them Anyway Award for Letter of the Month!


OK! That’s it. Number one…I’M NOT A SATANIST. Just because people like Harry Potter doesnt mean they are satanists. I don’t need to reem you out because now you know that JK Rowling is a female and Alakazam is not right. Right now I’m doing an essay on how many stupid idiots are against Harry Potter books/movies. Its called FICTION. Fiction meaning NOT REAL. A lot of us know that there is no such thing as real “invisibility.” Ok? Look at this pile of crap:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone opened on November 16 at a record-breaking number of theaters across the country. “Christian” as well as public schools bussed their students to see the long awaited movie based on the first book in J. K. Rowling’s ground-breaking series. Teachers are facilitating classroom discussions that train students to seek “common ground” and conform to an ever-changing group consensus. (2) While forbidding prayer in the name of Jesus, most schools seem to welcome spells and sorcery in the name of Harry Potter.

The pressure to participate in the fun and frenzy is intense. So what can a Christian child do in the midst of such hype, hypocrisy and popular wizardry?

Those who know God can find answers in His Word. Consider this list of Biblical warnings and wisdom, then put on the Armor of God and pray that He lead you in His way.

1. God shows us that witchcraft, sorcery, spells, divination and magic are evil. He hates those practices because they blind us to His loving ways, then turn our hearts to a deceptive quest for self-empowerment and deadly thrills. Harry Potter’s world may be fictional, but the timeless pagan practices it promotes are real and deadly. Well aware that the final result is spiritual bondage and oppression, He warns us:

“There shall not be found among you anyone who… practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. For all who do these things are an abomination to the Lord…” Deuteronomy 18:9-12

2. The movie’s foundation in fantasy, not reality, doesn’t diminish its power to change beliefs and values. Imaginary (or virtual) experiences and well-written fantasies can affect the mind and memories as much, if not more, than actual experiences. (3) Designed to stir feelings and produce strong emotional responses, a well-planned myth with likeable characters can be far more memorable than the less exciting daily reality — especially when reinforced through books, toys and games as well as movies. Small wonder Harry’s fans have been counting the days until their next fantastic journey into Hogwarts’ classes on sorcery, divination, potions and spells.

“But they hearkened not, nor inclined their ear, but walked in the counsels and in the imagination of their evil heart, and went backward, and not forward.” Jeremiah 7:24

3. Each occult image and suggestion prompts the audience to feel more at home in this setting. Children identify with their favorite characters and learn to see wizards and witches from a popular peer perspective rather than from God’s perspective. Those who sense that the occult world is evil face a choice: Resist peer pressure or rationalize their imagined participation in Harry’s supernatural adventures.

The second choice may quiet the nagging doubts, but rationalizing evil and justifying sin will sear the conscience and shift the child’s perception of values from God’s perspective to a more “comfortable” cultural adaptation. Even Christian children can easily learn to conform truth to multicultural ideals and turn God’s values upside down – just as did God’s people in Old Testament days:

“But they hearkened not, nor inclined their ear, but walked in the counsels and in the imagination of their evil heart, and went backward, and not forward.”
Jeremiah 7:24

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;
Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness….
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes,
And prudent in their own sight!” Isaiah 5:2-21

Harry Potter Special (Magazine) interviews actors Daniel Radcliffe (Harry), Rupert Grint (Ron), Tom Felton (Draco), Harry Melling (Dudley):

If you could cast a spell on someone, what would it be?

Daniel: “If I liked them, it would be a spell where I’d give them special power, like invisibility.

Your favorite word in the Harry Potter books?

Daniel: “I like the word–it’s very bad to say this–but I like the word Voldemort.”

What magical power would you like to have?

Rupert: “I’d like to levitate.”

Do you prefer to play a bad or good character?

Tom: “Bad. It’s more fun because it is different.

What magical power would you want to have?

Tom: “Invisibility. So I could sneak around and go places I shouldn’t.”

Did you find it hard torturing Harry?

Harry M: “No. I found it quite fun, actually.”(4)

Harry Potter Special: Inside the Magical Magazine (Primedia, Inc.), pages 24, 26.

David Rockefeller ( “search” for “Rockefeller” on this site), Vice-President, Financial Operations.

4. God tells us to “abhor what is evil” and “cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9) But when Christian children and teens love the Harry Potter myths, delight in the movie and read the books again and again, they are desensitizing their hearts and minds to its evil. Turning God’s truth upside down, they are learning to “love” what is evil. The natural next step is to reject God’s wise boundaries and “abhor” what He calls good.

“You love evil more than good….” Psalm 52:3

5. Immersed in Hogwarts’ beliefs and values, children learn to ignore or reinterpret God’s truth. They lose their natural aversion for the devious spirits represented by the creatures and symbols in this eerie world. Caught up in the exciting story, they absorb the suggested values and store the fascinating images in their minds — making the forbidden world of the occult seem more normal than the Kingdom of God.

Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.” Colossians 2:6-9

6. This inner change is usually unconscious, for the occult lessons and impressions tend to bypass rational scrutiny. After all, who will stop, think and weigh the evidence when caught up in such a fast-moving visual adventure? Fun fantasies and strategic entertainment has a special way of altering values, compromising beliefs and changing behavior in adults as well as in children. This learning process has been named “edutainment” — a favored way to train multicultural citizens for the envisioned 21st century community. Its power to influence beliefs and behavior is illustrated by today’s marketing firms which spend billions on entertaining ads that touch emotions, ignore the facts, yet motivate people to buy the product.

“Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.” Psalm 119:37

7. The main product marketed through this movie is a new belief system. This pagan ideology comes complete with trading cards, computer and other wizardly games, clothes and decorations stamped with HP symbols, action figures and cuddly dolls and audio cassettes that could keep the child’s minds focused on the occult all day and into night. But in God’s eyes, such paraphernalia become little more than lures and doorways to deeper involvement with the occult. In contrast, He calls a person “blessed” who -

“walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
nor stands in the path of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of the scornful (mockers);
“But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. Whatever he does shall prosper.” Psalm 1:1-3

It might be hard to escape the symbols that remind people of Harry. His words and phrases help fuel today’s cultural transformation:

The mainstream media uses the word “muggles” to deride those who don’t want children to read Harry Potter books.

“A columnist from the Chicago Daily Herald used Harry-Speak…. He said that a particular NBC Olympics commentator was the ‘dementor of the sports commentators.’”

“Coeur d’Alene, Idaho is going to name this year’s snowstorms after the Harry Potter characters. The first blizzard of the year will be called Albus….”(4)

8. The implied source of power behind Harry’s magical feats tend to distort a child’s understanding of God. In the movie as in the books, words traditionally used to refer to occult practices become so familiar that children begin to apply the same terms to God and His promised strength. Many learn to see God as a power source that can be manipulated with the right kind of prayers and rituals — and view his miracles as just another form of magic. They base their understanding of God on their own feelings and wants, not on His revelation of Himself.

“You thought that I was altogether like you; but I will rebuke you….” Psalm 50:21

9. Blind to the true nature of God, children will blend (synthesize) Biblical truth with pagan beliefs and magical practices. In the end, you distort and destroy any remnant of true Christian faith. For our God cannot be molded to match pagan gods.

“For My people have committed two evils:
They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,
And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:1

10. God tells us to “train up a child in the way He should go.” It starts with teaching them God’s truths and training them all day long to see reality from His, not the world’s perspective. To succeed, we need to shield them from contrary values until they know His Word and have memorized enough Scriptures to be able to recognize and resist deception. Once they have learned to love what God loves and see from His perspective, they will demonstrate their wisdom by choosing to say “no” to Harry Potter.

“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7

11. While some argue that Harry and his friends model friendship and integrity, they actually model how to lie and steal and get away with it. Their examples only add to the cultural relativism embraced by most children today who are honest when it doesn’t cost anything, but who lie and cheat when it serves their purpose.

“And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased (depraved) mind, to do those things which are not fitting…. They are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.” Romans 1:28-32

12. God has a better way. When His children choose to follow His ways, He gives them a heart to love Him, spiritual eyes that can understand and delight in His Word, a sense of His presence and a confidence in His constant care — no matter what happens around us. Harry Potter’s deceptive thrills are worse than worthless when compared to the wonderful riches our Shepherd promises those who will ignore evil and walk with Him.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8

DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID THAT ALL SOUNDS??? JESUS WANTS SPIRITUAL FRUIT—NOT RELIGIOUS NUTS!!!!!

Mister Bung: That… that is amazing. Also, retarded. But still, amazing.

HappyBob: Congratulations on completing your postgraduate thesis! There’s certainly something to be said for someone who would rather spend hours writing a letter of complaint than waste precious seconds reading an introductory paragraph that explains that the offensive article is a joke, and I am certainly saying it now.

Klobber: Too long didn’t read.

Chad: I had a friend who went to see the Harry Potter movie. She’s a pillar of salt now.

Andrey: I bow in reverence to any person who spends hours writing an inane diatribe, and then chooses to cap the whole thing off with the sentence “Do you realize how stupid that all sounds???”. I assure you, yes. Yes we do.

To contribute to the next mailbag, send your letters to trcmailbag [at] gmail [dot com], or simply leave a suitably mailbag-y comment under any one of our posts, and you too can be passive-agressively abused by Mister Bung!

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