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After the Kenyan imprisonment of our glorious leader "Magnum", Amateur Bowling Club USA disbanded, the prominent memebers going underground - hiding among Enfield's elusive street-bowling gangs. Now, Vice-Cardinal Courduroy Moosemouth has returned from a pilgrimage to the African Badlands with a tome he calls the Book of Magnum - penned by our glorious leader before his execution, and this dogmatic tome will surely guide the Bowling Club to victory in Wichita. With Moosemouth's death at the hands of the devious Enfield Bowling Enthusiasts, custodianship of the Book has passed to Initiate Swanson - made our leader through some kind of clerical error.
In this time of turmoil, ABCUSA unites in search of revenge, justice, and eternal life. Join Us!

Latest News



Andrey
April 1, 2008
This month's round-robin at the Bowlosphere in Enfield begins Oct 21, and ABCUSA requires a couple of martyrs who own spherical robins, or sea-going birds of prey to attend and bring the Bowlosphere to its knees.

Practice of any illegal street-bowling methods will, as usual, be held on the decomissioned tarmac at Enfield International wednesday night.


Michael
January 16, 2007
Ladies and Gentleman, ABCUSA is ascendant! Last week at the Relaxo-bowlo, a great blow was struck! During the traditional Enfield-style masquerade, several ABCUSA commandos, dressed as churlish mountebanks, scaled the heights of The Enfield Bowling Enthusiast Tower of Babel Bowlo-tower and discovered the key to their nefarious plot: An Omega device in the shape of a 7-10 split

Meanwhile, immortal, all-knowing terrified but fearless glorious leader initiate Swanson was presenting the ritual currant cake that he had requested to various EBE dignitaries. It was then that they discovered the bomb within. Swanson was seized and the bomb diffused, and things looked bleak for the grossly outnumbered ABCUSA bowlers within!

However, at this moment, our mountebank commandos bowled the strike, disabling the EBE Omega device and shutting down power in the Relaxo-Bowlo. All-Seeing, All-Knowing, All- Gleaning Terrified but Fearless, Glorious Leader Initiate Swanson was evacuated amidst thedandies with their porcelain masks, and our bowlers struck within the darkened chaos, knocking down our foes as if they were 5 pins.

It was then that the smaller bomb concealed within the bomb concealed within the traditional current cake detonated, killing several key members of the Enfield Bowling Enthusiasts, and shaking the foundations of the Tower of Bowlbel, causing it to collapse upon the Relaxo-Bowlo, killing all within. Luckily, no members of the ABCUSA intelligentsia were within, meaning only meaningless rank and file members died.

Their deaths will be remembered always in our glorious history.

On this, I request Christine Horowitz to prepare about 784 of your black berry torts, and Bob Vanessi, know we're gonna need a whole crate of "Bowling's Greatest Wipeouts".

Be strong brothers, this is the first major victory under the mantle of victorious, undefeatable, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, immortal, terrified-but-fearless, glorious leader initiate Swanson!

Hail Swanson!


Andrey
December 28, 2007
Huddled among stuffed animals from his childhood and photos of his estranged family, our Glorious Leader Initiate Swanson has been begging his inner circle of trusted advisors to "tell him it's not true".

We would like to take this moment to urge all ABCUSA members to assure our terrified paragon that it is not true - whatever it is - so that he may resume with the righteous governance and swift revenge tactics against the Enfield Bowling Enthusiasts that are synonymous with his name.

Hail Initiate Swanson!


Michael
October 30, 2007
In the aftermath of the abysmal Gilligan's Island Bowlathon Marathon, it pains me to report that the Enfield Bowling Enthusiasts have chosen this timeof weakness to strike at the heart of Amateur Bowling Club USA.

This weekend, as ABCUSA's Vice-Cardinal CourdoroyMoosemouthforesook the safety of his sail-barge and went among the people to celebrate the announcement of the Spice Girls' reunion tour, tragedy struck.

Enfield Bowling Enthusiast snipers triangulated his position among fellow ABCUSA bowlers at the Enfield Bowlosphere, and dispatched the Vice Cardinal in a gruesome display of what "Turkey Shoot" can truly mean when you are not using the term in a carnival or poultry-related context.

Vice-Cardinal CourduroyMoosemouth is with Magnum now. Custodian-ship of the holy Book of Magnum now passes to Initiate Swanson who, through some kind of clerical error, has somehow ended up as our leader after only a week's enrollment in ABCUSA.

Lead us, Initiate Swanson. Lead Us.


Michael
October 15, 2007
I'm sorry to report that the Gilligan's Island Marathon Bowlathon was an unmitigated disaster.

We lost a good bowler when Charlie Blasky's suicide bomb detonated prematurely, failing to kill any of the Enfield Bowling Enthusiasts, the bomb's intended targets. As a result the contest was canceled and no prizes awarded, thus delaying Nick Fontaine's international agenda of mayhem until another cash source can be secured

You will find some comfort, however, in the knowledge that Blasky's family will be receiving a complimentary gift basket of mourning to help them in this difficult time. It will include some of Christine Horowitz's famous blackberry torts, a lifetime certificate of membership in ABCUSA and a "Bowling's Greatest Wipeouts" VHS cassette.

Charlie is remembered by his wife, Anne, and their two sons, Roger and Kyle. Worry not Anne, Roger and Kyle, will will avenge your father.


Andrey
October 12, 2007
Just updating to remind members of Thursday's semi-annual Pie-Bake, Picnic and Turkey Shoot.

While this year we will unfortunately be replacing last year's drug-addled "Jive Turkeys" with real turkeys for the snipering tournament, the baking of pies and the having of picnicking will still proceed as per tradition.

This is an exciting opportunity for Enfield's less experienced bowlers to try their hand at the mysterious spell-craft of Lawn Bowling.

Also, the Book of Magnum (currently bound in human skin) will be available for reading by Vice Cardinal Moosemouth, speaking from his fortified pulpit in the heart of his sail-barge.

Bring artichoke dip for the stockpile! See you there!

JOIN OUR CRUSADE TODAY
Next Meeting
Tuesday April 1, 2008

Discussion Topics:
  • Fundraising door appeal
  • Mid-Year Tournament squad selection
  • Germ Warfare: acceptable club policy?

    Ladies, bring a plate!!!

  • St. Valentine's Day Singles Bowling
    "Where Two Spares Make a Strike!"

    Wednesday April 16, 2008

    There will be no tolerance of inappropriate jokes or groping this year. (We're looking at you, Ken.)

    ALL HAIL INITIATE SWANSON, OUR GLORIOUS NEW LEADER
    Concept by James Simpson. Based on the ABCUSA Facebook Group. Content by Michael Cope and Andrey Summers. Website by Alastair Craig. Hosted by The Rubber Chicken. HAIL SWANSON.