The Chicken Feed

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You may have noticed that Something Awf The Rubber Chicken’s poll has been closed down for nearly eight billion years, displaying the mysterious message “closed while we search for a poll service that hasn’t whored itself to pop-up adver-

Okay, the message is way too long, and is a lie anyway so I’m not going to bother trying to remember the rest of it. Instead, here’s the dirty and somewhat obvious truth: nobody’s been searching for anything. In fact, the “administration” here (hahahahahahahahahahaha) has gladly forgotten all about its extinct poll the same way they cried their crocodile tears about September 11th, and then partnered with Halliburton during the privatization of Iraq. You’re probably wondering where Chad is. Well, he’s in an oil derrick outside Fellujah (Microsoft Word Dictionary: “Elijah?”).

When I met with HappyBob “please don’t call me by my real name which is Alastair” Craig in Sydney this past May, I made a note of bringing all of this up. Unfortunately, as I don’t actually know how to read, the note was lost on me when I retrieved it during the meeting, and we ended up just talking about George Lucas anally entering Sofia Coppola, which was actually pretty awesome. But I digress.

I’ve decided, finally, that there is a rampant lack of responsibility around here. This is normally when the writer pretends that the site has some kind of imaginary “office” and makes a joke about it being a big mess. I am instead going to get serious and point out that the real mess is in the HTML. Just head down to line 1489 and tell me you’re not laughing like a Hyena being cut open by a band-saw. Anyway, as a result of things being so out of hand, I’m officially announcing a Perestroyka.

For those of you unfamiliar with history, that’s a Soviet word that means “Switch Sh*# Up”. And the first step to a newer, more virile Mother Russ…. Something Awf TRC will be the resurrection of the poll. Like a penis from the ashes, or whatever, the new poll will signal the restructuring and reinvigoration of an old, tired mostly capitalist system (have you purchased your Quack Cap yet?). It will be everything the poll dreamed it could be, even back when it was operational. My blueprint for the new poll will be one that civilization bows before, taking their first step to enlightenment. Come. The journey begins.

If you remember, and in case you don’t, here is what the typical TRC poll looked like back before it was shut down entirely:

Steak and Mushroom Pie?

  1. Steak and Mushroom Pie.
  2. Steak and Mushroom Pie!
  3. STEAK AND MUSHROOM PIE!!??!!

The first problem is that the whole thing revolves around an inside joke. A poll service is one of the few common threads a site as terminally ill as TRC shares with its sane counterparts, and new readers look to it for stability. An inside joke will simply make them feel alienated and drive them away. What is needed is a good ‘outside joke’, or better yet, a full explanation of the ‘inside joke’. Observe.

The Rubber Chicken is a humorous website on which we enjoy the idiosyncrasy of certain phrases and objects, such as The Grimace, Peter Andre and Steak and Mushroom Pie, which some of us took great joy in locating in our immediate environment at one time. Such pies are prevalent in Australia which several of our key writers call home. We would like to revisit those amusing times now, by making reference to a Steak and Mushroom Pie.

Now there is a poll question that leaves nobody alienated, and will even bring a smile to the face of a divorced mother of three. And she’s a real bitch, so there you go. With this sorted, we move on to the answers. While I understand that they must all be related in some kind of amusing fashion, people are often upset by the fact that their view is not represented accurately in the provided options. It is important, then, to provide a wide cross-section of opinions, definitely not limiting oneself to three or four, or twenty responses. Of the hundred or so required, here are a few key examples:

  1. I approve of this reference to Steak and Mushroom Pie, but do not wish to be part of the joke myself.
  2. I am happy to hear more about these pies, and would like to pretend I’m one of you by providing a poll response that is silly and humorous. That way, you might think I’m amusing enough to make a joke like the one you have provided for me as a poll-choice.
  3. I find running gags to be tiresome, and am thus re-evaluating my devotion to your website.
  4. I randomly opened this site when my mom walked in on me looking at German Alien Clown Porn, and have to look like I was actually doing something here, so I’m voting in the poll.
  5. I have come here from RareXtreme to register in your forum and call you fags, but I’m having difficulty creating my account, as it requires me to type an identical password twice, and I cannot synchronize Ebonics in this fashion.
  6. I am a divorced mother of three, and object to you calling me a real bitch earlier.

Ninety-three more of those and you’ve got a poll people can enjoy. A whole new fan-base will form around TRC, heralding a new era of joy, co-operation, manifest destiny, and naked sex with perfect strangers. The only thing that stands in the way of these vaults in progress, which have finally begun to take shape, is the fact that I have not yet located a poll service that hasn’t whored itself out to pop-up advertising.

So, uh, until then the poll is shut down.

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