The Chicken Feed

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Dear Formless Underlord,
My friend who happens to be a girl and I have known each other for 17 years. Over the course of a year, me and her have become very…close. Problem is that she doesn’t want to put out despite us knowing each other all our lives. What words of seduction would you recommend for me to whisper in her ear to get the piece of the pie?
Thanks,
lightjohn4

HAIL MORTAL LIGHTHOUSE!
SEVENTEEN OF YOUR AIMLESS EARTHLY “YEARS” AMOUNT ONLY TO THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES FOR THE FESTERING WRETCH-SPAWN OF THE OX-SERPENT TO HEAVE A SINGLE, ANGUISHED, BREATH. PERHAPS IN HER MISGUIDED IGNORANCE YOUR OTHER CLINGS TO VIRGINITY AS THOUGH IT MEANT MORE THAN WHAT IT TRULY IS: A BIT OF DEAD SKIN ACTING ONLY AS FORESHADOWING OF YOUR GRIM, DUSTY, FUTURE. EXPLAIN THE ABOVE TO HER- PERHAPS USING THIS EXACT TERMINOLOGY – AND I AM CERTAIN THAT SOON YOU SHALL BE SERVICED AS YOUR WILL BEHOOVES.

Dear Formless Underlord,
A certain friend of mine has a certain problem with a certain female fox from star fox. He wont stop thinking about her…
What should he do, find hentai and whack off over it or just turn to guys?
Marche

HAIL MORTAL MARKETPLACE!
ETERNITY IN GRUESOME STUDY HAS ASCRIBED UNTO MY BEING THAT FILTHY MORTALS DERIVE CONFUSION FROM ILL-BEGOTTEN ATTRACTION TO THE BEASTS OF THE FIELD, OR THE FOWL OF THE CLOUD. ESPECIALLY IF SUCH BEASTS EXTEND ONLY INTO THE SECOND DIMENSION. WHAT CAN BE DONE, YOU ASK? CLOSE YOUR FRIEND TO THE THIRD DIMENSION. ENTOMB HIM IN A PLANE OF COMPLETE FLATNESS, PERHAPS COMPOSED OF EARTHLY CONCRETE. HIS UNION WITH THE DEPTHLESS BEAST BE DONE.

Dear Formless Underlord,
A enemy called me a “poof” what exactly am I. or in other words what is a “poof”. And why is this word chosen to be used for its meaning?
Johnny Cash

HAIL MORTAL MONETARY DENOMINATION!
ON YOUR LAUGHABLE, FINITE WORLD ‘POOF’ IS THE FLIPPANT DEMARCATION OF ONE WHO SELECTS HIS OTHERS NOT BY THE GIRTH OF THEIR HIPS, NOR THEIR ABILITY TO BEAR MANY SONS THAT MAY DIE FOR HIM IN GLORIOUS BATTLE. A ‘POOF’ INSTEAD SELECTS HIS OTHERS BY SIZE OF ADAM’S APPLE, AND WHAT THE RAVING BANSHEE OF THE ACID MARSH REFERS TO AS “A FABULOUS SENSE OF STYLE”. ON A SIDE NOTE, MORTAL, YOUR HUMAN MIND WOULD FOLD IN FIRE, WERE IT TO EVEN GLIMPSE THE TRUE NATURE OF THE WORD ‘ENEMY’.

man my cock is hard

HAIL MORTAL SENTENCE FRAGMENT!
SEXCHAT’S PUBLICITY ARM OBLIGES THAT I, THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD, THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORTHLESS CONTRIBUTION, THOUGH ITS PURPOSE HERE IN THE CRIMSON KINGDOM IS TANTAMOUNT TO THE CHILD’S SILENT SCREAM. NOTHING. BUT SOFT: I TAKE IT BACK. MORTAL JOHNNY CASH! YOU WERE ASKING WHAT A ‘POOF’ WAS. YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER, HUMAN.

Dear Formless Underlord,
My girlfriend’s really unhealthy. I man, i dunno what 2 do. she’s really gross down there and just generally unhealthy. how can i change this to have the best sex of my life?
Gerry Fredrickson, Squire Falls, Vermont

HAIL MORTAL VERMIN!
I SAY UNTO YOUR BLIND KINSMEN AGAIN AND AGAIN: YOUR WORTHLESS, FILTHY ACT OF COITAL MINGLING IS FLEETING AND ABYSMAL IN ITS GROTESQUE FAILURE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE VOID. THIS SAID, MORTAL, I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO PROVIDE YOU WITH AN AVENUE TO THE SEX HEALTH INFO-CENTRE, LOCATED ON THE ETHEREAL PLANE KNOWN AS THE “INTERNET” AT THE FOLLOWING ENCODED LOCATION:
HTTP://WWW.SEXHEALTH.ORG/INFOCENTER/INFOMAIN.HTM

HARK- A WARNING FROM THE SCREECHING NETHER: ON THIS “WEBSITE”, WHEN THERE IS MENTION OF BURNING AND REDNESS AND DEGENERATION OF THE HUMAN SKIN, DO NOT CONFUSE THIS WITH THE APOCALYPSE I OFTEN FORE-TELL, NOR THE HORRIFIC GRANDEUR OF THE CRIMSON KINGDOM. THE CONTEXT HERE IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, AND FAR LESS EPIC (THOUGH, TO SOME, EQUALLY WORRYING).

Dear Formless Underlord,
How do I get my penis unlodged from my navel? Um, don’t ask.
Innocent Bystander

HAIL MORTAL BYPRODUCT!
TO ME THE HUMAN IS AN INSECT- AS IN MIND, SO IN BODY. WHEN ONE HAS SUFFERED ETERNITY AT THE VERY MOUTH OF AN ENDLESS SEA OF SLIPPERY FORMS, LIMBS, EYES, TEETH, ALL GORING EACH-OTHER MADLY FOR SUPREMACY, ONE CARES LITTLE TO DISTINGUISH LIMB FROM LIMB ON THE INFINITESIMAL HUMAN FORM. HOWEVER IF YOUR ‘PENIS’ DWELLS NOT IN THE ‘NAVEL’ AT BIRTH, PERHAPS DO AS THE DAMNED OF THE WRITHING SEA DO, AND TEAR AT IT WITH YOUR RAVENOUS HANDS, OR TEETH. WORKS FOR THEM.

Dear Formless Underlord,
My hand smells funny.
Pierre

HAIL MORTAL FRANCOPHONE!
I AM NOT GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THE HUMOR IN ODORS THAT EMANATE FROM THE MORTAL LIMB. NOR DO I COMPREHEND THE QUESTION THAT MIGHT ARISE FROM SUCH A STATEMENT. IS THIS ODOR NATURAL? IF SO, REJOICE! IF IT IS MALEVOLENT, SIMPLY REMOVE THE LIMB AND BE-DONE. TROUBLE ME NOT WITH INCOMPLETE STATEMENTS, FOOLS, OR SUFFER MY LIMITLESS IRE. AND THAT OF MY STRINGENT SUBMISSION POLICY REGULATORS.

Dear Formless Underlord,
While I assure you that I am totally NOT homosexual, if I were, which I am not, how would I go about finding myself a gay partner? As a non-gay person, I go for the ladies, but I was wondering if there were separate techniques for the guys, and if you knew of any such techniques, for a purely hypothetical situation.
“Alfonso”

HAIL MORTAL POOF!
THE COURTING DILEMMA YOU FACE IS RESOLVED IN A MANNER THAT PRESENTS ITSELF EASILY, EARTH-MAN.
IF IT A FEMALE OTHER YOU SEEK, YOUR PHALLUS MUST BE INSERTED INTO HER VAGINAL REGION. IF, HOWEVER, IT IS A MALE THAT SUITS YOU, YOUR PHALLUS MUST BE INSERTED INTO HIS FECAL CAVITY. NOT EVERYBODY HERE AT THE CRIMSON KINGDOM IS OKAY WITH THAT KIND OF THING, BUT HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE IS FINE WITH ME, THE FORMLESS UNDERLORD, AS LONG AS YOU DON’T DO IT AROUND HERE. I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE, MORTAL. I HAVE MANY GAY FRIENDS. (WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY ARE FILLED WITH MIRTH BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, EVERYONE AT THE FOOT OF THE CRIMSON THRONE WAILS FOREVER IN CEASELESS TORMENT. THEIR WAILING, THOUGH, IS FABULOUS.)

THIS BE THE END OF MY GRIM SERMON!
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE SEXCHAT!

Use the form below to contact Andrey, the Formless Underlord’s servile host on this wretched earthly purgatory, with your questions about sexuality.  The Formless Underlord is here to help!

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