The Chicken Feed

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Dear Formless Underlord,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and we’ve gotten pretty “close” in the “bedroom”, but we never seem to be able to go all the way. I’m his first girlfriend, and I know he’s very attracted to me…so what do I do to finally fire things up??


Hail Mortal Lindsay.

Do not concern yourself with “firing things up” during your worthless affairs of the flesh. All will be consumed by the black flame of the Crimson Kingdom in the course of the eternal star-scape. If you desire the fleeting communal pleasure that your Other refuses to grant, you may drive a dagger into his heart during the Rite of Baphomet, and this symbolic emasculation, as you enter him with your own deadly phallic symbol will banish his self-consciousness forever into the lightless ether. His body is yours.

Dear Formless Underlord,

Dude, my g/f just won’t go down on me, no matter what I say, man. It’s totally getting on my nerves, and Im thinking of ditching her, but Im totally curious why she’s like this. Can you set me straight?

The Paul-Meister

Hail Mortal The Paul-Meister.

Female Others who taste terror upon the apex of the unsheathed blade are as numerous as the demented legions of the Pit-Lord. In your doomed, earthly realm there are some who are afeared of males un-burdened with the mark of the “circumcision”. Be this the case, simply borrow the dagger Mortal Lindsay used to perform the Rite of Baphomet, and proceed. The blooded scepter be your Other’s boon.

Dear Formless Underlord,

I’m gay, but I’m afraid that if I come out of the closet, my conservative parents will disown me. Is there any way I can break it to them gently?

Bruce B.

Hail Mortal Homosexual Bruce B.

To show the Council of Ogres that SexChat be not a bigoted arm of the Crimson Throne, I (The Formless Underlord) have included one scripture sealed by a homosexual. You, Mortal Bruce B! Hail, for you are chosen! I proceed: to be the spawn of “conservatives” on your wretched earthly plain is scorching trial. However, I comfort you with a message from the screaming abyss. Your “parents” and eventually your own progeny will all be twisted with age, and then turn to dust for evermore, your souls cast into the churning fires. Thus, fret not about these “conservatives”, for their fate is sealed. Wish you their safety, then take the circumcision dagger from Mortal The Paul-Meister, and drive it into their skulls as they slumber. “You go girl”, commands the Formless Underlord.

Dear Formless Underlord,

What is “Hentai”?

Professor Jonathan Colfield

Hail Mortal Educator.

Nowhere in the living darkness could the obsidian hand find the knowledge you seek. Yet, courage, for the Formless Underlord summons the demented elixir of Google, to drink from its chalice of tainted honey. It seems that on your aimless earthly purgatory, “Hentai” is a series of animated images depicting the home of my good friend the Roaming Tentacle-Beast from the festering realm of Sailor High Schools. I was over there last weekend for a Dark Un-Barbeque and the blood, fluids, giant eyes and blue hair are just as I remember.

Dear Formless Underlord,

My pastor says that to spill your seed upon the ground is a mortal sin, and that when Onan did it, God smote him. But the thing is, I really, really like spilling my seed, and need not necessarily do it on the ground. Will God smite me? How can something that feels so good be wrong?


Hail Mortal Theologian.

From my seat upon the frozen inferno, I laugh in fury at your “God” and his false dominion over your fleeting kingdom. Your pastor will see the flesh boil upon his crumbling form along with every other useless human when the time of the final night is at hand. What knows he of the cosmic inevitability? Masturbate all you want, Richard. It shall not save you.

Dear Formless Underlord,

My boyfriend has been trying to convince me to take part in a threesome with him, and his ex-girlfriend. Now, I acted all outraged when he first asked, and even threatened to dump him (Come on, right?) but the thing is…I’m really attracted to her : ) What do I do?


Hail Mortal Brenda.

Your Other is an incompatible entity, your union stillborn under a forgotten star. He will pursue you, but hunger for the flesh of his earlier trials, this I read as clearly as the scriptures on his tomb. Your life under his eye is a marble altar of futility. Thus, agree to his ill-begotten “threesome”. Then, plunge the dagger of homosexual skull-stabbing into his coiling intestine, and watch the life drain from his eyes. Upon his corpse shall you and his attractive ex consummate your pagan union.

Dear Formless Underlord,

What exactly is “love”? I think that’s what we should really be trying to figure out.


Hail Mortal Cindy.

“Love” is a term oblivious mortals use in the foolish game called Tennis. Its meaning equivocates to the number “0” when espousing scores.


Trouble in the bedroom? Kinks in the relationship? Bedsores under the britches?
The Formless Underlord is here to help! Drop him a line (through Andrey, his servile host on this wretched earthly plain), and watch for the next edition of SexChat!

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