The Chicken Feed

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If there’s one thing that can be said about The Rubber Chicken, then I guess logically this sentence is it.
Luckily, that’s not the case. In fact, the things that can be said about this uproarious, delightful little cyber-corner of information-super-whimsy are probably as numerous (if not more-so) as the site’s oddly diverse readership. And I do use the word “oddly” with calculated discretion, because despite the fact that we make jokes all the time about how we have no readers, the fact is that we do have them. We have quite an inventory, honestly.

This is due to the fact that TRC is unusually well-Googled. People type things into search-engines, scan down the list of results and routinely choose our site as the solution to whatever quandary it is that’s driven them to type key-words into a text-box.

Driven by curiosity, boredom and hubris, I decided this month to take a peek at the man behind the curtain (this is a Wizard of Oz metaphor, not me walking in on a guy showering), and leaf through our visitation statistics for April 2007. Herein, I came upon the full list of keywords typed into search-engines like Google that then resulted in people clicking on us.

Below are some of the highlights, and boy do they present a nightmarish cross-section of the kind of people YOU apparently are. Bear in mind, you filthy cadre of rat-like degenerates, that I am not making up these search results for a laugh. This is honestly what you people are looking for when you end up finding us. May God have mercy on you.


zelda mature fan fiction
I’ll kick this off with something mild. I’m going to choose to believe that the people searching for this were keen on finding out what Link and the gang do upon retirement. I imagine they’d move to Lake Hylia for a bit of fishing. And obviously hardcore sexual encounters.

yiff.mp3
I’m not sure how you can tell the sound of yiffing from a normal coital act. I guess the way the raccoon suit rubs against the firm leather of the dog costume generates a distinctive, audible friction?

women chicken
Was this person searching for websites about women just, you know, hanging out with chickens? Yes. Definitely.

who’s the french woman in the matrix
The first, but lamentably not the last case of people mistaking Google for one of those idiotic java programs that pretends it answers questions. The French woman, by the way, is Monica Bellucci, and having her name on our site is sure to get us some extra hits, even if it is from people like you. Cough – Hot tub. Celebrity nudes. Barely 18 – cough. … parishilton.

what to do to your mum on april false
I don’t know what “April False” is, but I suppose it might be a keen, mathematical way of denoting every month except April. If you want to look it up, just use the keyword “Google please tell me what is the meaning of april false”

what is the intarnet
There are just so many reasons typing that into a search engine makes you a knob that I don’t…no, you know, I won’t even bother.

the intarnet
This must be the same guy from before “tightening his search criteria”. In internet searches, it really pays to hone in on the most significant word-that-doesn’t-exist.

ugly hoes
Unsightly farm-equipment? The Rubber Chicken is your #1 source. Side note: Australians can’t tell the words “source” and “sauce” apart, so it’s a real laugh asking to see the source code for their websites. They’re like “SAUCE CODE?”

trout wallpaper
I actually think this might be a service we provide. Still, though.

titanic fanfiction
I could make a joke here about comically large fanfiction, but I’m something of a local celebrity now, and consider it beneath me. You still get it, though, right?

thatchickensite.com
This is the kind of irony I would be able to create from nothing if I had actual creative writing skills. Why! Why would you type that into a search-box instead of your URL bar? Jesus, God let an answer come!

teenage mutant ninja turtles april love best friend irma
Once again, this person was just out for a bit of biographical literature regarding April and Irma’s platonic relationship. I can only assume they were instead exposed to my satirical chronicling of the two women’s horrifying sexual history, which no doubt didn’t align at all with these innocent searchers’ sensibilities.

stability of a house
Depends largely on the incline of the land, the dimensions and composition of the house’s foundation, its proximity to a transform, or convergent fault boundary, and whether or not concerned parties are aware of the correct repositories for such information. Namely, nowhere the hell near here.

sobbing
I don’t even want to know. Seriously, if you’re the one, don’t even, because I don’t want to know.

sketch of peopel
Just the one sketch, then?

sexy hair boys
All four editors here at TRC happen to BE sexy hair boys, so I can see how this works out.

sexy chicken
Ben is kind-of like a sexy chicken, so I can see how this works out. Okay, but seriously who the hell are these people? I don’t even understand under what laws of perception the above concept is possible.

screws mpg or mpeg or wmv or asf or mov or avi index of
Obviously somebody is on the prowl for the full home hardware multimedia experience.

rubber naked chicken
Poetic in its disturbing redundancy. I guess this guy wanted to ensure that his search results would not, under any circumstances include a chicken wearing pants. That would be the real horror.

rubber chicken passion
There is an itsy bitsy chance that this person was looking for Chad’s review of The Passion of the Christ. Of course, such proximity to the search strings “rubber naked chicken” and “sexy chicken” does cast some doubt on the poor guy.

ricky martin fan fiction
“And then, Ricky didn’t disappear from public life for five years after rumours were floated that he was a homosexual.”

nietzsche i think therefore i am

There’s no median. No transitory level of intelligence. Our readership jumps right from Ricky Martin fanfics and intercourse with poultry to FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE. Although, I suppose “God is Dead” is a good way to summarize how I feel about these people.

monkey nietzsche
No, wait, spoke too soon. I suppose if anything can truly approach a median between the absolutely retarded and the lofty, high-minded realm of philosophy this would be it.

midget transvestite
And back to basics.

metroid flying at you
This is a man who knows what he wants. He imagines it, and Google makes it happen.

mature backstreet boys fan fiction
“And then, the Backstreet Boys didn’t disappear from public life when boy-bands were replaced by Avril Lavigne. Instead, they went on to rock your body right well into their maturity.”

irma and the shredder
A much sought-after photo-op.

[Ed : The previous search string is followed by about 50 variations of the words “Paris Hilton” and a media type (mpeg, mp4, avi, quicktime, jpeg), basically any visual avenue to Hilton’s vagina. The Rubber Chicken is apparently more than happy to harbour these people]

how to solve the rubixcube
I suppose I’d better give this guy an answer since he came here with that question in mind. What you do, sir, is you turn each face clockwise or counter-clockwise in an effort to line every color-value up on its own side of the cube. Glad I could help.

how to do a rubix cube
If you fail to solve the puzzle, apparently all that’s left is to humiliate the cube sexually.

hot college girls
Yup, we sure have those here.

hatching chicken
You’ll find it next to the hot college girls.

Genderless
Speechless.

Friedrich Nietzsche
Our man Freddy continues to bring the hits. … sorry, Queen flashback.

free nudist camp videos
This is the sexiest thing this fella could dream up to search for on the internet. At least he made it clear that doesn’t intend to pay for it, I guess.

feet modelling
This is like that thing where they pour plaster into a Dinosaur’s footprint, and then they’re one step closer to disproving the Bible, right?

fiona revill
Somebody has a staaalker.

fast and the furious fan fiction
Should’ve just Googled Alliteration.

exhibiting my wife’s panties
Your honour, presenting Exhibit ‘A’. My wife’s panties.

enormous frog
Man, what the hell. All these frogs are either huge, or massive. I need an enormous one, dammit!

Dragonballzhentai
If you separate it into three words, you get pictures of Goku and Fajeeta rediscovering each-other. If you spell it as one word, you get a semi-popular cult humour website. Sorry, Goku. This one’s ours.

donkey kong 64 is hard to play
Hard but fair.

cruelty to animals
This is another one where I don’t even feel comfortable making a joke. And I was all over 9/11 only like a week after, so think about THAT.

buddy icon of Nietzsche

You can never have enough.

best sexy compliments

Hey, baby. Heaven missing an angel? For more compliments visit google.com, honey.

batman sexy

Aquaman good personality.

amature models

That’s not how you spell that word, is it? Try again, son.

amature college girls

No, no, not that word. One more time, come on, you can do this.

adult amature

Oh, work with me for Christ’s sake!

rubber chicken alcohol

No sure why the slashes are there. Maybe it’s some kind of outspoken, experimental poem.

he’s a radical rat

I can confirm this. He is, in fact, a radical rat.

ugly penis

You’re probably tired of me asking this, but WHO! WHO SEARCHES FOR THIS STUFF? Also, why do they end up here??? Anyway, in this case I can tell you for sure that it has nothing to do with me. My penis is…handsome?

tiniest panties

Fit thousands on the head of a pin! For once, I can actually explain how this search string got Respectable Citizen #672 here. I specifically used the term “tiny panties” in my UBC Film Program article. There’s just something about the word ‘tiny’ that is inherently non-sexual, and I love using it in a context that tries to shoehorn that meaning onto it, and just leaves one with an odd sense of “…do they think this is sexy? …do I?”. But that’s my story. This guy’s objective is probably a little simpler.

the word crap

I’m guessing the counterintuitive specificity of this search-string is the result of a traumatizing altercation with the search results for ‘crap’ itself. Honestly, people, you should know what you’re getting into.

thatchickensite

I count my blessings when something demi-normal appears in this list, because I know it’s only a matter of time until-

taking a crap

This.

people’s foot

The politically correct term for athlete’s foot.

Nudist

Bung has a shameful secret he doesn’t want any of us to know about. It’s a drinking problem.

british person

Any one will do, apparently.

death hug
The Vulcans may or may not have had a less popular technique for dispatching their enemies, which was used primarily for murders within the family.

anne frank motion picture

Nothing out of the ordinary here, if you discount the fact that people searching for This end up Here.

nudist camp
Do I look like a nudist camp to you?

ugly
27 people searched for this gem, and then settled for TRC. I’ll let you ponder that.

amature girls
The second-highest amount of searches resulting in a visit to the Chicken Rubber were conducted under these criteria. And the spelling, oh the spelling.

AND Finally, the MOST SEARCHED string, that brought 696 people to TRC in April, and accounted for 21.6% of its Google traffic:

TIMBERLAKE.

If anything from this list is keeping me up at night, I have to say that’s probably it.

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