I like to make life more exciting by exploiting the veritable wealth of hilarious situations that can take place on public transport, and now thanks to this ‘internet’ I learnt about at my last uni class, you can too!
Today’s lesson: Buses.
1) Wait for a near empty bus, preferably with only one other person riding. Get on the bus and stand at the front with a look of intense concentration on your face, as if you can’t decide where to sit. Remeber to brace yourself as the bus takes off (or not if you prefer). Take a seat next to the only other person on the bus, lean in closely and mention conspiritorally ‘He knows.’ Get off at the next stop.
2) As you get on the bus and are about to pay the fare, drop your change. Bend over to pick it up and freeze. Wait a while, then unfreeze. As you walk to your seat, freeze again. Repeat this through out the journey, especially in conversations.
3) Memorize passages from Speed.
- ‘There’s gum on my seat…GUM!’
- ‘Harry, there’s enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world!’
- ‘Jack, nothing tricky now. You know I’m on top of you! DO NOT attempt to grow a brain!’
Get on any bus, and make sure you sit as close to the driver as possible. The seats right behind him work well.
Start reciting the passages gradually getting louder as you get to your stop. Finish with ‘Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? ‘ Run.
4) Wait at the bus stop for your bus. As the bus pulls up and opens ask the driver if this bus goes to the Coruscant . When he says no, look at him as though the bus NOT going to Coruscant is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. Mention you’ll wait for the next one. If the driver says that no buses go there say ‘that’s what YOU think.’
So next time you have a boring public transport journey, remeber these simple tips to spice things up.
Outraged at the sheer AUDACITY of my mockery of public transport? Why not mail me with a suitable subject line, lest ye electronic mail be deleted post haste!
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The mX Magazine Letters Page