Andrey: Christmas means many things to many people. To us at the Rubber Chicken, for example, it means nothing. Much like the Jews of the field and the Blacks of the air, we adorn ourselves come December in the colors of our own dark festival.

This storied ritual, known to the billions of people who celebrate it every years as Saint Crispin’s Day, is that time of year when families come together to exchange gifts and celebrate the yule-tide cheer that powers us through the remaining eleven months of every gruelling annum.

Saint Crispin’s Day is the Christmas of media-hijacked religious holidays, and via the soft-padded alternate universe of our podcast, we now invite you to have a nibble at the ceremonial moose-head, stuff some gifts in your kids’ shoes, and wring in St. Crispin’s with us like the heathen kings of old did.

We would have invited you to do this on December 25th, but people were busy for some reason.

Starring
Andrey Summers, Tim Morrison, Fiona Revill, Michael Cope and “Dave”.
with Brett Cullen, Alastair Craig and Gord Myren

Written and compiled by Andrey Summers
Additional editing by Alastair Craig

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The culturally-sensitive closing song of the 2006 Christmas Podcast.

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Music written and performed by Gord Myren.
Lyrics written and performed by Andrey Summers.
Recorded by the Red Square Collective.

More songs from The Rubber Chicken Podcast

Lyrics after the jump

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Andrey: As a gifted orator once said, “I’m a slave 4 U”. For twelve hours straight we toiled, to bring you what is possibly the most putritly festive, grotesque, bloated half-hour holiday special imaginable. That’s right- I said half hour. In Canada, it’s quantity over quality, and with Alastair Europe-bound, Gord and I have seen fit to deliver a Christmas Podcast to end not only other such Podcasts, but also possibly civilization as a whole.

Hold on to your hat, and wait impatiently for the 27MB MP3 to download. Trust me: it’s worth it. Nine out of our ten listeners recommend it.

Dramatis Personae
Gord Myren
Andrey Summers
Emily Horn
Fiona Revill
Sonny Bobardt
with Cathy Hronek, Dan Horn, Adrienne Paulson and “Dave”.

Written by
Andrey Summers
James Simpson
Fiona Revill

Original Music by
Gord Myren
with “Santa Klau-au-auss” Lyrics written and performed by Andrey Summers

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THE BOXING DAY GAME

To celebrate Boxing Day we’ve designed a fantastic new game for you and your friends to play! It’s called BOX! and here’s how to play:

1. Get a box. It can be cardboard, plastic, humus or otherwise.
2. Congratulations! You’ve just won the game!

This game can be played with up to 16 people, even the elderly. So get out there and box someone today!

Also, a shiny new feature!

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I’m a warm affectionate person, as most who meet me will vouch, and I just love the Christmas season.  I’m not sure if it’s the Christmas Cheer in the store windows, the shiny baubels on the Christmas trees or the way the light from the burning orphanage reflects in the eyes of that someone special.  It’s a mystery.

What’s not a mystery (how’s THAT for a segue) is todays update. Packed to the brim with Christmas Magic™ is this fantastic and information stuffed interview with the jolly red man himself, Santa Clause.  Go ahead and read it and you too can feel the warm trickle of Christmas Cheer run down your leg!

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The latest bombshell in the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends and complaining about them, then updating about them with a self-referential joke about the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends, is here. And by “here”, I mean the link after this paragraph, which as I type is rendering the word “here” increasingly irrelevant by drawing the link in question away from the close-to-immediate proximity “here” suggests.

Can I start this again? No? Then read on, fair reader, to discover Why Bus Drivers Should Stop Wearing Reindeer Antlers On Their Heads. It will blow your mind, damaging valuable brain cells and making your left arm twitch involuntarily.

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Santa’s elves are actually robots, and they run purely on christmas cheer.
Santa recieved the technology for Christmas Cheer engines from Rudolph, who is actually from the future.
Christmas wrapping was originally invented as sheilding to protect against the radiation produced by the Christmas Cheer engines.
In the future, Christmas is the day the Underdwellers and the Believers wage war upon each other using nothing but candy canes.
The candy canes are made of razor blades.
The first Santa was fired for setting a family’s house on fire while they slept.
He later came back to urinate on the ashes. Jesus fired him.
Every christmas one child somewhere receives the special present of a severed human hand. The first Santa is still at large.
Reindeer are not in fact mammals. They are mostly plant matter and only wear the fur as protection against the cold and for social functions.
If you open your presents before Christmas Day, Jesus cries himself to sleep. Shame on you.

Related Links
Christmas Jingle: “Santa Klau-au-auss”
Boxing Day: A Bafflingly Mysterious Enigma Puzzle

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