The Chicken Feed

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Casino Royale is not a James Bond film. It has a character in it named “James” (which is a fairly common name) and his last name happens to be “Bond”, which I suppose is some coincidence, but that’s pretty-much where the similarity ends. This bold new reboot of the Bond mythos has foregone campy humor, funky gadgets and delicious innuendo in favor of a brooding, bloody-fisted spy with a fractured psyche. In this manner, Casino Royale has taken the admirable step away from self-parody and toward direct thievery of the Jason Bourne franchise.

But fear not. Apparently this is what the public wants. At no time was I more attuned to this blood-curdling fact than when Harry Knowles, Demon Emperor of Ain’t It Cool News got a whiff of the Variety story (AICN shuns the term Variety, preferring to instead refer to the trade paper as “one of our top LA operatives”) claiming Eddie Murphy was going to attempt raping a dead horse and do another Beverly Hills Cop movie.

Knowles, a beacon (I accidentally typed ‘bacon’ at first) in the tundra of “geek culture” responded to this news with the following fucked up shit:

“After watching Eddie’s performance in DREAMGIRLS – I can say, without hesitation that this could be a brilliant career move. Make Foley a badass, burnt out – possibly retired – having to face down one last investigation… Making the action hurt, making Murphy foul again. And don’t bring back Serge. Kill Billy in the opening sequence and start from there.”

Is there any comprehension up there of what the Beverly Hills Cop series is actually supposed to be about? I’m beginning to suspect that if people like this had their way, every cop, secret agent, and social worker character in every franchise would inevitably turn into Max Payne. In lieu of the imminence of such a dystopian hell, I have crafted what one might call a forecast. A grim warning of things to come, if we don’t take action and place improvised explosives on the rails used by the Hollywood supply-trains. In other words…

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Mailbag: Jesus Wants Spiritual Fruit

Posted on February 28th, 2006 by Ben K

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Happy New Year!

Posted on January 1st, 2006 by Ben K

While everyone else was partying all New Year’s Eve and drinking themselves blind last night, what was I doing? Well of course, I was watching the ground-breaking Subterano on Channel Nine – starring Heartbreak High‘s Alex Dimitriades and Blue Heelers’ Tasma Walton.

And what a quality piece of work it is! The movie is two hours of PEOPLE STUCK IN A CARPARK. But what makes is great is the hilariously awful acting, and the killer robots along with the cute little robot with the high pitched voice that eventually gets melted. One robot cuts off an old security guard’s feet after he begs for his life. THEN, another robot with a drill bit on the end zooms up to his head and drills him right in the eye!!!

Apparently it’s based on some comic or video game or something, I don’t know, I was blinded by the bad acting and the over-the-top death scenes. Like the one where the kid got sliced in half in the elevator.

But the best bit would have to be the end – you see Conrad (Dimitriades), Stone (Walton) and…some girl jump away from the camera towards the ocean and the mountains, and it does a FREEZE FRAME.

Movie of the year.

Well, last year, anyway.



The full archive of , Aussie Ben‘s shortlived pictorial placing dialogue from our favourite LucasArts adventure games in the real world.

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