The Chicken Feed

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?
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CLOVERFIELD WAS A INSIDE JOB!!!!

Posted on February 12th, 2008 by Andrey Summers

Thanks for reading my blog everyone, lets see how long it stays up before the CIA or the FBI step in and shut me down, but I’m gonna tell you right now that what I have to say isn’t a conspiracy theory. It’s the total 100% truth and once you see the proof and you open your eyes you will know that there’s no way for them to deny it.

CLOVERFIELD WAS A INSIDE JOB!

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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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Exhibit A:

Seven Samurai and Pokemon The Movie 2000: The Power of One

When I first saw Akira Kurosawa’s quintessential samurai film, I was expecting a masterpiece of cinema; a heart-wrenching epic; something to make me laugh, cry and cheer all at once. What I wasn’t expecting was a shot-for-shot remake of the second animated Pokemon motion picture.

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A recap of the Arctic White Campaign, The Rubber Chicken’s month-long crusade to rig a breakfast cereal election.

As you are no doubt aware, the Australian division of Kellogg’s Cereal let us, Froot Loop eating public, choose the new colour to join the green, orange, red and yellow we all know and love. Always the equal opportunity campaigners, we began a movement to elect the least likely candidate: Arctic White.  For every day of the last month, The Rubber Chicken’s readers and writers have been casting multiple votes for this wonderfully mundane colour hundreds of times over.

Sadly, but not surprisingly, Kellogg’s couldn’t handle the results.  Today, the false glory is heaped upon Sky Blue.

With this outright robbery of our democratic rights, our dreams are shattered.  Shattered like glass. Glass under an elephant’s foot. The foot of the elephant of manipulative multinational cereal companies. An elephant which has eaten peanuts. The peanuts of rigged election results. Grown in a peanut farm of LIES!

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Episode 279

A story by Alastair Craig.

I’ve lost my remote control.

And this time, it’s personal.

Episode 279

A story by Ben K.

I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water with a hint of orange juice for my vitamin C at precisely two in the morning, and who should I see but no-one! Conspiracy, or something more?

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Solving Mysteries… in a VAN! (Chapter 110)

Posted on March 10th, 2003 by Ben K

I woke up last Monday morning to turn on the television and expect some quality entertainment. Instead of being treated to the latest of episode of Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z Go On a Date and Meet That Kid From Pokémon, I received only static. What was causing this problem? Mickey Mouse? Alan Jones? The Aliens that come out of your stomach and shred your insides? The Trick Master from Pokémon Ruby? There was only one way to find out, and that was to seek guidance from others.

Soon enough, I was on the Internet and for some reason being led to a website about creating your own conspiracy theories. I filled in the appropriate fields, and my suspicions were soon created validated – there was a conspiracy afoot! And if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a walking conspiracy on the loose. The other thing I can’t stand are bad puns, so I’ll soon be taking this article up with the editors. After a bit more digging, I was led to the button that starts up AOL Instant Messenger. AH HA! Surely my answer would lie there, in the eternal limbo of pointless information itself? And after a short seven hour wait, (and several exercises of the ‘Block’ button) who should appear but one Alastair “HappyBob” Craig? With a great suspicion, I plunged forth and sent forward the accusations:

Aussie Ben Work: I knew it! You’re the one that’s jamming my television antenna signals and in turn causing chaos and exposing me to subliminal mind-altering static! You can’t lie to me. YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME!!!

HappyBobTRC64: I’ll bet you’ve unplugged your antenna again, haven’t you. You spanner.

Aussie Ben Work: I have done no such thing! And to prove you wrong, I’m going to check right now.

Half an hour passes.

HappyBobTRC64: …well?

Aussie Ben Work: Shut up.

And so solved…

The Mystery of the Spoilt Marmalade

Next Episode:
The Mystery of the Missing Telephone Cable That Someone Borrowed

Title art by Scott McQuaig.  Van by Amanda Schroeder.

More Conspiracies on ThatChickenSite.com:
Celebrity Burning Question: How Do You Get To Sesame Street?
The Arctic White Froot Loop Campaign
CLOVERFIELD WAS A INSIDE JOB!!!!