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They spell "Programme" the long way, so you know it's all class.In recent weeks, I’ve had the absolute pleasure of playing a supporting role in The Vine: Donkey Kong Audio Programme.   I must insist you have the absolute pleasure of listening to it.

Not into video games?  That’s okay, neither are the hosts.  Think of it as the legitimate front for crude but classy conversational comedy.  It’s a mammoth production, a huge labour of love, and brimming with the warmly familiar, silky-smooth voices of Rubber Chicken alumni.

Be warned: Emmy-winnng hosts Chad and Hyle are not the most tactful gentlemen, and tend to use masturbation jokes as punctuation.  You’ll hate yourself for laughing, but oh, you will laugh.

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I’m told the website you’re currently reading has an audio programme too.  It’s not ringing any bells, but I’ll look into it.



If there’s one thing that can be said about The Rubber Chicken, then I guess logically this sentence is it.
Luckily, that’s not the case. In fact, the things that can be said about this uproarious, delightful little cyber-corner of information-super-whimsy are probably as numerous (if not more-so) as the site’s oddly diverse readership. And I do use the word “oddly” with calculated discretion, because despite the fact that we make jokes all the time about how we have no readers, the fact is that we do have them. We have quite an inventory, honestly.

This is due to the fact that TRC is unusually well-Googled. People type things into search-engines, scan down the list of results and routinely choose our site as the solution to whatever quandary it is that’s driven them to type key-words into a text-box.

Driven by curiosity, boredom and hubris, I decided this month to take a peek at the man behind the curtain (this is a Wizard of Oz metaphor, not me walking in on a guy showering), and leaf through our visitation statistics for April 2007. Herein, I came upon the full list of keywords typed into search-engines like Google that then resulted in people clicking on us.

Below are some of the highlights, and boy do they present a nightmarish cross-section of the kind of people YOU apparently are. Bear in mind, you filthy cadre of rat-like degenerates, that I am not making up these search results for a laugh. This is honestly what you people are looking for when you end up finding us. May God have mercy on you.

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Pants Dants Exposed

Posted on September 19th, 2004 by Alastair Craig, Chad McCanna, and Ben K

“We arent really new. We’ve been kicking like a mutated cow for nearly 3 years now, and I think we’re finally recieving the attention we deserve.”

Ahh, Rare-Extreme. “Sharply written”, “witty” and “reliable” are but a few adjectives one could easily place next to their name with the aid of any functional writing instrument or word processor. The technology is there, and we aren’t in a position to stop you.

Over the years R-E have made contact with many reliable inside sources, promising the secret behind Banjo-Kazooie’s infamous “Stop ‘N’ Swop” feature (but never revealing it), confirming Perfect Dark 2′s appearance at E3 2002 (which never showed it), and even scoring a tour of Rare HQ. Yes, they’ve done it all. We at The Rubber Chicken might have had occasional creative differences with Rare-Extreme, but it doesn’t mean we don’t respect them as fellow journalists. Sometimes a gentleman must swallow his pride and give credit to his enemies. In the following exposé, we hope to establish their credibility once and for all.

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Chad Surname is the MAN for YOU!

Posted on July 12th, 2004 by Andrey Summers

Hello, Ladies. If you’re like me, then you’re male, in which case stop reading now, but if you’re a single woman between the ages of 17 and 21, then perk up your ears and pluck out your eyebrows, because have I ever got a surprise for you.

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Virtuaikus

Posted on October 12th, 2003 by Hyle Russell

Salutations, and it’s nice to meet all of you. I’m Hyle Russell, white supremacist, and I’m going to take you on a journey through the mind’s soul, where terrible poetry is the in-flight meal. How do you feel about Virtual Boy? If you don’t like Virtual Boy, then I’m afraid we can never wed (and your biological clock is ticking, woman!).

Nintendo’s Virtual Boy is perhaps the most unappreciated video game system of all time. Most of the people who criticize it have never played it, and only do so because of ignorant gaming critics, and they only hate it because they never gave it a chance to begin with.

All of the ridiculous rumors that go along with it, like the system causing you to go blind, are false.  (The system provides an Automatic Pause feature that give your eyes a rest.)  Plus, there were several highly addictive and fun games that were released in the system’s short lifespan, the top of the heap being Galactic Pinball and Virtual Boy Wario Land.

Us Virtual Boy defenders are a select few, and I figured the most eloquent way of expressing my admiration for the red and black friend is to write fifteen Haikus (what else?) set during the time of its American release. Affectionately, I’ve dubbed these “Virtuaikus.”

Now sit back and pretend it’s August 1995 all over again…

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Real Rare

Posted on September 23rd, 2003 by Chad McCanna

We all love videogame developer Rare, right? Hey, yeah, man!
And we all love animals, eh?  Can I get an amen?  Whoo, brother!

So earlier this week I said to myself:
“Chad, you know, you really should get some hot redhead to go down on you.”
“Agreed, Chad,” I replied. “But how should we attract her mouth to the crotch region?”
“Simple, my friend!” said I. “You need to make photorealistic pictures depicting various scenes from Rare games!”

Of course! It’s all so obvious! I’ll make a picture of a gorilla riding a frog, and the females will flock to my member! So without further ado, I give you… Real Rare!

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