The Chicken Feed

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?
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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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HOT NEWS ON EYBALLS ACTION!

Posted on October 13th, 2006 by Mister Bung

!!! BREAKING NEWS !!!!

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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”

……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart

Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.

How do you get Sesame Street?

Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.

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Guest Crap Comic: Double Fine’s Scott Campbell

Posted on November 10th, 2005 by Ben K

Whoa, our first Guest Crap Comic from a non-staff member! Incredible. Distinguished artist Scott Campbell of the Double Fine ACTION COMICS has graced his presence with a guest Crap Comic of his very own in response to our unsolicited guest strip.

(You can admire more of Mr. Campbell’s work by purchasing Double Fine Action Comics By Scott C or playing The Excellent Game Psychonauts. And please, do. – Ed.)

I leave you with this:

Delicious! The tears of a heartbroken child gather like fresh morning dew on the crabgrass in my heart! And as the tiny lawn spiders that also live in my heart come out to drink of the dew, I am delighted! Bwahhhhh ha ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Drink little heart spiders! Drink!
- The LucasArts “Sam and Max” Cancellation Press Release

P.S. The joke’s on YOU, “Sam and Max” Cancellation Press Release! THESE GUYS are doing a new Sam and Max game! Remember them? The ones you FIRED?



Crap Comic: Unsolicited Guest Strips

Posted on October 28th, 2005 by Mister Bung

When Aussie Ben began his Crap Comic series – nay, confronting sequence of contemporary masterpii – he gazed up at the glow-in-the-dark Glow Zone stars on his bedroom ceiling and said: “Some day, world. Some day, I’m going to make it big”.

And here he is, two years later, producing guest comics for the finest names in the business: Penny Arcade.  PVP.  VG Cats.  Calvin & Hobbes.  Garfield.  Batman. The list goes on and on. In hindsight, though, he probably should have asked for their permission first.

Dear reader, would you care to Hassle People of Importance with us once again?

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The Excellent Game Psychonauts

Posted on May 5th, 2005 by Ben K

As it may or may not have been suggested, the one and only Tim Schafer (creator of such fine quality titles as Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle and Grim Fandango, or at least somebody who knows him) has been rumoured to have once (maybe) visited our very own site.

But who cares about that? I’ve got my very own copy of his latest exploits, made by the awesome half-leprechaun people from Double Fine. Behold, then, as we take you on our very own PSYCHONAUTS ADVENTURE!

Click, and be blown away by the awesomeness of its blinding stupendousness! Go now! Puffy McTattoo Lady compels you! “Puff puff!” she says! “My lungs are rotting away as I speak, so every word I say is extremely precious! I’m wasting precious talk time to tell you to click! So click!”

“CLICK!!!”

“PUFF!! PUFF!! Oh, I can feel the tar eating away at those little puffy things inside my lungs. But it’s okay! I’ll cope. Don’t worry, I’m tough – I have a tattoo! I’ll bet you wish you had a tattoo as tough as mine, don’t you? Well, you can’t get one. Only tough people who can handle tar can get tattoos like these.”

“Like me.”

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In the Celebrity Burning Question series, we contact as many celebrities or obscure parties as possible with one of life’s great questions. This edition: what do the birds and the bees really DO?


Ever since Jewel Akens sang “The Birds and the Bees” in the mid-1960s, we’ve all wondered what, exactly, the Birds and the Bees actually did. As the Bees and the Birds are quite clearly two different species, presumably with incompatible size and sexual behaviour, any intimate act would clearly be uncomfortable, if not impossible. No siree, this is a cover for something far more complex. We have vowed to solve this Burning Question the only way possible: by emailing assorted celebrities and entirely inappropriate parties.


Just a few of the experts we contacted:

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