What terrifies a university student above all else? If you answered “exams”, “tuition fees” or “an uncertain future”, I can only ask what you thought to gain in giving sincere, vocal replies to a clearly tongue-in-cheek rhetorical question from a writer who clearly can’t hear you. The misleadingly introduced answer is, of course, “student elections”.
The concept of a student union is all well and good, but it’s hard to appreciate the big picture when you’re getting pamphlets shoved in your face at every turn. Both competing parties subscribe to the same mind-numbing bombardment techniques that have worked so well in the past (see: internet advertising). Where they’re trying to encourage voters, this assault on the senses only serves to drive them away.
To make our thoughts known, we launched our own flyer campaign targeted exclusively at flyer distributors themselves.
In 1964, Brian Wilson began work on The Beach Boys’ would-be magnum opus: Smile. A direct answer to The Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, this classic album could have changed music history were it not aborted following a series of complications and a nervous breakdown from Wilson himself. The Next Big Thing in rock ‘n’ roll was reduced to a mildly interesting footnote in musical history… until now. In 2004, Brian confronted his demons and recorded the album from scratch, creating a wonderful, timeless masterpiece that was well worth the wait. Finally, his vision was complete.
Throughout the 1990s, writer and comic mastermind Douglas Adams struggled to organise a film adaptation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “The Hollywood process,” he once remarked, “is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people come into the room and breathe on it”. Sadly, Adams passed away before he could see his pet project become a reality, with the movie showing few signs of progress… until now. In 2005, The Hitchhiker’s Guide finally saw completion in the capable hands of Garth Jennings, who created something arguably worthy of the late Adams’ memory.
In 2000, Adam “The Phantom Spoon” Severgnini was bored on a bus trip to high school. To pass the time, he penned a review of Rare’s newly released Perfect Dark for TheRubberChickeN64, the newly-launched Nintendo review / silly animation hub we started together. He passed it to me on the assumption that I’d type it up that afternoon. Tragically, I forgot, and his notes sat ignored in the bottom of a box under my bed… until now.
Ladyfolk and gentlebeings, you are about to witness history itself unfolding. We are gathered here today for the WORLD PREMIERE of that famous unfinished masterpiece, five years late, but forever ageless in its beauty:
Alastair: In 2004, legal issues brought Paris Hilton’s potential hit song “Screwed” to a halt. It seems fellow aspiring teen idol Haylie “Sister Of Hillary” Duff had already recorded the song the year before, and therefore owned the rights to the performance.
While we cynics can be thankful, please spare a thought for those legitimately interested in hearing Hilton’s vocal talents. It is for their benefit that we arranged this compromise – a faithful cover of the song from our own, equally talented musician, Glancy.
“My cowriter Kara and I had never imagined that our little pop song could sound so… well….. unique!
Definitely a braver rendering than any pop diva could give. Bravo, Glancy.”
-Greg Wells, Grammy-nominated writer/producer and co-writer of “Screwed”, TRC Mailbag
Terms & Conditions
The Rubber Chicken will not accept responsibility for readers accidentally circulating this MP3 on file-sharing networks, where it might accidentally be mistaken for the real song. Though we wholeheartedly encourage it. Not sure why we were trying to be subtle with those italics there.
The Rubber Chicken does not condone, under any circumstances, actually listening to the above MP3. Not even kidding here.
Because you (literally, one of you) asked for it: a collection of The Rubber Chicken’s early prank calls we’d much rather keep burried. Be warned: these are of low fidelity and even lower comedy value. Our sincerest apologies.
Editor’s Note: If you prefer genuine comedy over having your ears and intelligence savagely defiled, why not try The Rubber Chicken Podcast, our snappy quasi-sci-fi sketch comedy series?
As three “Fair Dinkum” (genuine) Australian fans, we were “Happy As Larry” (joyful) to “Have A Gander” (observe) your “Pucker” (bit-of-all-right) website! We were especially delighted to see your Australian Slang Guide promoting your film Our Lips Are Sealed, which we can confirm to be 100% accurate, culturally sensitive and not at all lazily slapped together by underpaid web content writers. Now we can finally understand your American fans when they try to talk to us in “Steak & Kidney” (Sydney).
We have, however, noted some glaring omissions from your list, which we have outlined below. We believe these corrections will make this the definitive guide to holding a conversation “Down Under”!
Your biggest fans,
Ben, Alastair & Chad (Honourary Australian)
Mate = Friend
Prawn = Shrimp
Lolly = Sweet
Lolly Water = Lemonade
Apples and Pairs = Stairs
Jelly = Jell-o
Jam = Jelly
Jam-o = Frog
Frog in the pond = Chocolate frog in jelly (jam)
Barbeque = Cooking Tool
Grouse = Amusingly-Shaped
Schnorkeldoff = Pickle
Fosters = Beer
Beer = Coffee
Jiggery Pokery = Apple Pie
Floogeldoofel = Cardboard Tube
Chunder = Peanut Brittle
Pickadilly = Chilly (cold)
Fair Dinkum = An unexplained lack of purple
Dingo = Infanticide
Irwin = Mildly Embarrassing
Floobooda = Wobbly excess fat under the forearm
Moccas = Bedroom Slippers Adelaide = Average
Ruddock = Nazi
Didgeridoo = Marital aide
Micallef = God
Galah = Idiot
Liberals = Galahs
Vegemite = Catsup
Sheila = Prostitute
No Worries = Worries
Worries = Jelly (plural)
Shivoo = Hoe-down
Shark Biscuit = Fishfood
Schnickelfritz = Small Grapefruit
Stone the Crows = “Someone stole our sheep”
Twins = Testicles*
*examples: “Ouch! That snake bit me in the twins!”,”Look, it’s the Olsen Twins!”
Instant messenger pranks from our carefree youth, immortalised online at the expense of an older, wise Mister Bung’s employment prospects and pride.
This has been laying around for quite some time now on my computer, and has been viewed by many a kinsfolk, all who grew warts the sizes of pumpkins- but I think that was just the water. But fear not, as any concerns you have can be directed towards myself or this seagull.
who are you
I am man who likes goats.
Do you like goats?
Most popular bands sport an interesting story behind their name. Luckily, wheresmegerkin? never gained popularity. The band’s original lineup needs no introduction (but will nonetheless get one): Hannah Craig, vocalist, chronic pyromaniac and former bassist (following a court order to be kept away from all flammable objects), Louise Alipaté, drummer, pianist and self-declared Tina Turner Karaoke Queen, and guitarist Alastair Craig, who writes erotic Star Wars fan-fiction.