Now, I know what you’re thinking. How is it that God made me so much weaker and more pathetic than everyone else? How long is it before everything I’ve worked to build for myself fails, and I’m left a vacant stall of a human with nothing but a stool-sample to be proud of? Where did I go wrong?
Well, you’re drinking dairy, that’s where. You SHOULD be drinking Silk. And here’s why.
MAINTAINING A HEALTHY PROSTATE WITH SOY
The prostate, like the Cadillac, is an important part of the male reproductive system. It’s a gland about the size of a Zulu Shrunken Head that surrounds the urethra (the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the toilet seat, and areas up to a meter around the bowl) and lies at the base of the bladder. This gland secretes about 25% of the seminal fluid that is combined with sperm during Friday On Showcase. This prostatic fluid protects and energizes sperm, like a Super Mushroom in Mario World. Increased growth of the prostate can sometimes lead to health problems such as BPH (Big-time Prostate Hurtin’) – a benign enlargement of the prostate that causes uncomfortable symptoms – and possibly impolite laughter and ridicule among your peers.
Soy foods can protect your prostate. Some studies indicate that even one glass of soymilk every day is enough to provide your prostate with the protective benefits of soy. Other studies indicate that these first studies are biased, but statistics say that these studies are unreliable, due to their bias toward reliability, which, like any bias, is unreliable unless proven otherwise by various studies. According to a study at Loma Linda University, men who consumed soymilk at least once per day had a 70% reduced risk of developing prostate cancer, and were gay.
Don’t take chances with your prostate! If you’re going to bet a lot of money on one game of poker, leave your prostate in the hotel room! You remember those weird, spasmic ass-pains you were having, Alastair Robert Craig of 14 Earl Av, Brisbane, QLD? That’s your God-damned Prostate! Are you listening to me, dammit?
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