The Chicken Feed

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If there’s one thing that can be said about The Rubber Chicken, then I guess logically this sentence is it.
Luckily, that’s not the case. In fact, the things that can be said about this uproarious, delightful little cyber-corner of information-super-whimsy are probably as numerous (if not more-so) as the site’s oddly diverse readership. And I do use the word “oddly” with calculated discretion, because despite the fact that we make jokes all the time about how we have no readers, the fact is that we do have them. We have quite an inventory, honestly.

This is due to the fact that TRC is unusually well-Googled. People type things into search-engines, scan down the list of results and routinely choose our site as the solution to whatever quandary it is that’s driven them to type key-words into a text-box.

Driven by curiosity, boredom and hubris, I decided this month to take a peek at the man behind the curtain (this is a Wizard of Oz metaphor, not me walking in on a guy showering), and leaf through our visitation statistics for April 2007. Herein, I came upon the full list of keywords typed into search-engines like Google that then resulted in people clicking on us.

Below are some of the highlights, and boy do they present a nightmarish cross-section of the kind of people YOU apparently are. Bear in mind, you filthy cadre of rat-like degenerates, that I am not making up these search results for a laugh. This is honestly what you people are looking for when you end up finding us. May God have mercy on you.

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Dear Formless Underlord,

Last night, the galpal was, to put it bluntly, totally horny. Seriously. Like [DAMNED] rabbits that have sex SO MUCH. Thing is, she was all, “Henceforth!, thou shalt insert thine instrument of power into mine orifice of victory!”, and I was all, “The [DAMNED] you sayin’, [DAMNED]?” I totally love my girl, don’t get me wrong- But when she wants to, as they say on TV, “bump buoy” (As I tell myself, think about it and take it any way you want), she starts talking really crazy. All I want to hear is a normal “[DAMNED] me”, none of this Rennaissance [DAMNED]. How do I teach my woman the proper linguistics of love?

With much ado,
Deejay Zero-Gravity Orgasm.

HAIL MORTAL DEEJAY ZERO-GRAVI-ZERO-WHAT?
FIRST, INSECT, AN APOLOGY FOR THE CRIMSON CENSOR’S DAMNATION OF AN ENTIRE BRANCH OF YOUR LEXICON. UNDERSTAND: THE BORDERLESS SUFFERING IN THE REALM OF BURNING NIGHT IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT THE ADDED BURDEN OF YOUR CUSSING. NOW, HUMAN, YOUR ANSWER. CRAVE YOU SIMPLICITY IN YOUR OTHER’S COITAL SOLILOQUIES? THEN YOU YOURSELF MUST ASSUME THE MANTLE OF WORDSMITH. DEMAND THAT YOUR OTHER PROSTRATE HERSELF BEFORE YOU AND PREPARE FOR TORMENT UN-BELIEVED BY THE MULTITUDE AND UNHEARD BY YOUR SILENT GOD. SO DWARFED WILL BE HER MIND AND STILL HER HEART THAT VERILY SHALL YOU CARRY OUT YOUR DARK TASK IN SILENCE.

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Mailbag: Jesus Wants Spiritual Fruit

Posted on February 28th, 2006 by Ben K

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Dear Formless Underlord,
My friend who happens to be a girl and I have known each other for 17 years. Over the course of a year, me and her have become very…close. Problem is that she doesn’t want to put out despite us knowing each other all our lives. What words of seduction would you recommend for me to whisper in her ear to get the piece of the pie?
Thanks,
lightjohn4

HAIL MORTAL LIGHTHOUSE!
SEVENTEEN OF YOUR AIMLESS EARTHLY “YEARS” AMOUNT ONLY TO THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES FOR THE FESTERING WRETCH-SPAWN OF THE OX-SERPENT TO HEAVE A SINGLE, ANGUISHED, BREATH. PERHAPS IN HER MISGUIDED IGNORANCE YOUR OTHER CLINGS TO VIRGINITY AS THOUGH IT MEANT MORE THAN WHAT IT TRULY IS: A BIT OF DEAD SKIN ACTING ONLY AS FORESHADOWING OF YOUR GRIM, DUSTY, FUTURE. EXPLAIN THE ABOVE TO HER- PERHAPS USING THIS EXACT TERMINOLOGY – AND I AM CERTAIN THAT SOON YOU SHALL BE SERVICED AS YOUR WILL BEHOOVES.

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Mailbag: A Man Named Clive

Posted on October 12th, 2004 by Ben K

This edition is dedicated to the cast of popular Australian Sitcom “Hey, Dad!”

For giving us an excuse to go outside between 1986 – 1994.

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Real Rare

Posted on September 23rd, 2003 by Chad McCanna

We all love videogame developer Rare, right? Hey, yeah, man!
And we all love animals, eh?  Can I get an amen?  Whoo, brother!

So earlier this week I said to myself:
“Chad, you know, you really should get some hot redhead to go down on you.”
“Agreed, Chad,” I replied. “But how should we attract her mouth to the crotch region?”
“Simple, my friend!” said I. “You need to make photorealistic pictures depicting various scenes from Rare games!”

Of course! It’s all so obvious! I’ll make a picture of a gorilla riding a frog, and the females will flock to my member! So without further ado, I give you… Real Rare!

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