The Chicken Feed

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?
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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”

……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart

Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.

How do you get Sesame Street?

Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.

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Mailbag: Jesus Wants Spiritual Fruit

Posted on February 28th, 2006 by Ben K

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Alastair: In 2004, legal issues brought Paris Hilton’s potential hit song “Screwed” to a halt. It seems fellow aspiring teen idol Haylie “Sister Of Hillary” Duff had already recorded the song the year before, and therefore owned the rights to the performance.

While we cynics can be thankful, please spare a thought for those legitimately interested in hearing Hilton’s vocal talents. It is for their benefit that we arranged this compromise – a faithful cover of the song from our own, equally talented musician, Glancy.

Paris Hilton – Screwed.MP3

“My cowriter Kara and I had never imagined that our little pop song could sound so… well….. unique!
Definitely a braver rendering than any pop diva could give. Bravo, Glancy.”

-Greg Wells, Grammy-nominated writer/producer and co-writer of “Screwed”, TRC Mailbag

Terms & Conditions

  • The Rubber Chicken will not accept responsibility for readers accidentally circulating this MP3 on file-sharing networks, where it might accidentally be mistaken for the real song.  Though we wholeheartedly encourage it.  Not sure why we were trying to be subtle with those italics there.
  • The Rubber Chicken does not condone, under any circumstances, actually listening to the above MP3.  Not even kidding here.

For entertainment easier on the ears, check out The Rubber Chicken’s Excellent Podcast.