The Chicken Feed

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Andrey: Here at, we are all about the environment. By this I am, of course, suggesting only that at any given moment we are in or near the environment, but I like to think that makes us an authority on the matter. Certainly as much of an authority as an arguably un-elected Presidential Candidate who at one time had no beard, then grew a beard, and then just shaved it off again.

If Al Gore can’t even decide what his own face looks like, how can he reliably perform plastic surgery on the face of our planet? This question is implicitly asked and tacitly answered by our own Alastair Robert Craig in a feature that he did not title The Unofficial Spice Girls Reunion Scrapbook. To find out what he really titled it, you’ll just have to Admit You’re A Spice Girls Fan. Just kidding. You can also Click Here.

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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”

……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart

Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.

How do you get Sesame Street?

Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.

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“Panda Three to Control – I’ve just spotted a silver hovercraft
being chased by an old crock at 90mph, and there’s a little tiny helicopter after ‘em both! I’m in pursuit! Over.”

Planet of the Spiders (Part Two)
Written by Robert Sloman & Barry Letts
Starring John Pertwee & Elisabeth Sladen
And introducing Stuart Fell as “Tramp Under Hovercraft”

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Crap Comic: Unsolicited Guest Strips

Posted on October 28th, 2005 by Mister Bung

When Aussie Ben began his Crap Comic series – nay, confronting sequence of contemporary masterpii – he gazed up at the glow-in-the-dark Glow Zone stars on his bedroom ceiling and said: “Some day, world. Some day, I’m going to make it big”.

And here he is, two years later, producing guest comics for the finest names in the business: Penny Arcade.  PVP.  VG Cats.  Calvin & Hobbes.  Garfield.  Batman. The list goes on and on. In hindsight, though, he probably should have asked for their permission first.

Dear reader, would you care to Hassle People of Importance with us once again?

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In the Celebrity Burning Question series, we contact as many celebrities or obscure parties as possible with one of life’s great questions. This edition: what do the birds and the bees really DO?

Ever since Jewel Akens sang “The Birds and the Bees” in the mid-1960s, we’ve all wondered what, exactly, the Birds and the Bees actually did. As the Bees and the Birds are quite clearly two different species, presumably with incompatible size and sexual behaviour, any intimate act would clearly be uncomfortable, if not impossible. No siree, this is a cover for something far more complex. We have vowed to solve this Burning Question the only way possible: by emailing assorted celebrities and entirely inappropriate parties.

Just a few of the experts we contacted:

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Fast Food ‘Foolery

Posted on September 10th, 2003 by Alastair Craig

Alastair Craig
Return Address



The Manager
“Pizza Hut”
Shop 2/214-218
Waterworks Rd.
Ashgrove 4060

September 10, 2003

Hi, I’ll have a Big Mac!!!!!!!

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More Exceptionally Mild Tomfoolery
Celebrity Burning Question: What is The Grimace?
Prank: Stolen Image Trickery
Fake Election Campaign: Chris Cares

Alastair: Australian comedian Shaun Micallef is somewhat of a demigod to The Rubber Chicken’s Australian writers.  His previous sketch comedy series is eerily similar to the sort of show we would make, but for our lack of time, money and talent.  It was therefore only natural that we await Micallef Tonight, his long-overdue return to television, as parents would their firstborn.  And when that show (let’s end the baby metaphor here before things get ugly) was prematurely axed by the Nine Network after barely two months on air, we considered it a direct and personal insult.

The following retaliatory letters won’t bring the show back, but they just might waste precious seconds of a Channel Nine secretary’s time. And in the end, that’s what is all about.  More importantly, we hope they give you a good chuckle, and go that little way in restoring the laughs robbed from the world in these dark, dark days.

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Dear Mary-Kate and Ashley,

As three “Fair Dinkum” (genuine) Australian fans, we were “Happy As Larry” (joyful) to “Have A Gander” (observe) your “Pucker” (bit-of-all-right) website! We were especially delighted to see your Australian Slang Guide promoting your film Our Lips Are Sealed, which we can confirm to be 100% accurate, culturally sensitive and not at all lazily slapped together by underpaid web content writers. Now we can finally understand your American fans when they try to talk to us in “Steak & Kidney” (Sydney).

We have, however, noted some glaring omissions from your list, which we have outlined below. We believe these corrections will make this the definitive guide to holding a conversation “Down Under”!

Your biggest fans,

Ben, Alastair & Chad (Honourary Australian)

Mate = Friend
Prawn = Shrimp
Lolly = Sweet
Lolly Water = Lemonade
Apples and Pairs = Stairs
Jelly = Jell-o
Jam = Jelly
Jam-o = Frog
Frog in the pond = Chocolate frog in jelly (jam)
Barbeque = Cooking Tool
Grouse = Amusingly-Shaped
Schnorkeldoff = Pickle
Fosters = Beer
Beer = Coffee
Jiggery Pokery = Apple Pie
Floogeldoofel = Cardboard Tube
Chunder = Peanut Brittle
Pickadilly = Chilly (cold)
Fair Dinkum = An unexplained lack of purple
Dingo = Infanticide
Irwin = Mildly Embarrassing
Floobooda = Wobbly excess fat under the forearm
Moccas = Bedroom Slippers
Adelaide = Average
Ruddock = Nazi
Didgeridoo = Marital aide
Micallef = God
Galah = Idiot
Liberals = Galahs
Vegemite = Catsup
Sheila = Prostitute
No Worries = Worries
Worries = Jelly (plural)
Shivoo = Hoe-down
Shark Biscuit = Fishfood
Schnickelfritz = Small Grapefruit
Stone the Crows = “Someone stole our sheep”
Twins = Testicles*

*examples: “Ouch! That snake bit me in the twins!”,”Look, it’s the Olsen Twins!”

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