Way back in prehistoric 2005, five of us gathered in Brisbane and had a great deal of fun filming a surreal mockumentary sketch show. Hours of footage were flown back to Western Australia, compiled into the Greatest Trailer That Ever Trailed, then stashed in the director’s bottom drawer, where they presumably remain to this day.
Lo! With the recent chance discovery of a long lost test reel and some painstaking restoration work in Windows Movie Maker, this magnum opus can finally take its rightful place as the literal Citizen Kane of movies.
Andrey: As a gifted orator once said, “I’m a slave 4 U”. For twelve hours straight we toiled, to bring you what is possibly the most putritly festive, grotesque, bloated half-hour holiday special imaginable. That’s right- I said half hour. In Canada, it’s quantity over quality, and with Alastair Europe-bound, Gord and I have seen fit to deliver a Christmas Podcast to end not only other such Podcasts, but also possibly civilization as a whole.
Hold on to your hat, and wait impatiently for the 27MB MP3 to download. Trust me: it’s worth it. Nine out of our ten listeners recommend it.
Dramatis Personae Gord Myren
with Cathy Hronek, Dan Horn, Adrienne Paulson and “Dave”.
Written by Andrey Summers
Original Music by Gord Myren
with “Santa Klau-au-auss” Lyrics written and performed by Andrey Summers
Here we are in Paris, France, enjoying ourselves at the expense of what we at ThatChickenSite.com naively consider your entertainment. (This chicken, purchased in Barcelona, Spain, represents everyone else’s motivation, which always leaves when I do. It’s an awkward metaphor, yes. Let’s not dwell.)
Upon returning, it’s time for a long-overdue all-star action makeover. TRC has transformed considerably under this design’s iron dictatorship, virtually into an entirely new site twice over. The time has come, the walrus said, to catch the fuck up already.
That means stripping the operation down to its pasty white foundations: silly movies, the nitpicking of obscure early 90s cartoons, and anything else that maintains the sense of fun that has made this site such a joy to work on (when we could be bothered), over the last seven years. Anything not serving the Prime Directive will be unceremoniously swept under the couch or tweaked with enough reckless historical revisionism to give George Lucas violent convulsions.
The podcast shall bounce back for a second, more sketch show-y season. Shed no tears; we’ll try to space episodes more evenly between other material. The last few months of podcast-podcast-podcast was a necessary evil – a refreshing break from spelling and punctuation, and hopefully one you enjoyed. But it was just a phase. Like puberty, but with canoes in place of erections.
And did I mention regular updates?
Ha ha ha, no, I most certainly did not.
Remember way back at the beginning of the year where Ben and I flew over to Bob’s house to stay up late and braid each others hair and have pillow fights and talk about how boys are icky? Well, now it’s relevant so pay attention.
See, there was mischief and hijinx aplenty and the fantastic thing is, 90% of it was caught on tape!*
Of course, wrangling all of this brilliance is going to take time, so for now I give you a taste – a mere whiff – of its pure awesomeness.
But beware – if you are too close to your screen as it plays you may suffer whats known as ‘Awesomeitis’.
If you become afflicted with this condition medical experts advise going to somewhere with a lot of good looking people and strut.
If symptoms persist, you should get laid a lot.
So now, feast your dried out prune eyes on this visual magnifico chumps!
* The other 7% with the orphanage and live stock, as well as the 3% with the bees and the prominent political figure was mysteriously wiped from the tapes. No jail time for me this year!
While everyone else was partying all New Year’s Eve and drinking themselves blind last night, what was I doing? Well of course, I was watching the ground-breaking Subterano on Channel Nine – starring Heartbreak High‘s Alex Dimitriades and Blue Heelers’ Tasma Walton.
And what a quality piece of work it is! The movie is two hours of PEOPLE STUCK IN A CARPARK. But what makes is great is the hilariously awful acting, and the killer robots along with the cute little robot with the high pitched voice that eventually gets melted. One robot cuts off an old security guard’s feet after he begs for his life. THEN, another robot with a drill bit on the end zooms up to his head and drills him right in the eye!!!
Apparently it’s based on some comic or video game or something, I don’t know, I was blinded by the bad acting and the over-the-top death scenes. Like the one where the kid got sliced in half in the elevator.
But the best bit would have to be the end – you see Conrad (Dimitriades), Stone (Walton) and…some girl jump away from the camera towards the ocean and the mountains, and it does a FREEZE FRAME.
Santa’s elves are actually robots, and they run purely on christmas cheer.
Santa recieved the technology for Christmas Cheer engines from Rudolph, who is actually from the future.
Christmas wrapping was originally invented as sheilding to protect against the radiation produced by the Christmas Cheer engines.
In the future, Christmas is the day the Underdwellers and the Believers wage war upon each other using nothing but candy canes.
The candy canes are made of razor blades.
The first Santa was fired for setting a family’s house on fire while they slept.
He later came back to urinate on the ashes. Jesus fired him.
Every christmas one child somewhere receives the special present of a severed human hand. The first Santa is still at large.
Reindeer are not in fact mammals. They are mostly plant matter and only wear the fur as protection against the cold and for social functions.
If you open your presents before Christmas Day, Jesus cries himself to sleep. Shame on you.
One time, at the beach, I outlined my friend’s ribs in red ink on his back, and wrote “ribbed for your pleasure” underneath. We all laughed, and he couldn’t see what I had written, so it was at his expense and therefore double fun. Later on I bought some blue “soda pop”. I didn’t taste revolting, and I was very pleased. All in all, it was a day that changed my life, and made this the best summer ever.
The classic Ninja Turtles series as it was meant to be seen.
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Did You Know?
When he was four, Andrey slipped and fell on the stairs in his Dacha, at which point a Soviet-made toy he was carrying cut his lip wide open, and the stairs smashed his front teeth in. Yes, any set of stairs can potentially smash your teeth in, but only a Soviet children’s toy will cut you wide open.