The Chicken Feed

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Way back in prehistoric 2005, five of us gathered in Brisbane and had a great deal of fun filming a surreal mockumentary sketch show.  Hours of footage were flown back to Western Australia, compiled into the Greatest Trailer That Ever Trailed, then stashed in the director’s bottom drawer, where they presumably remain to this day.

Lo!  With the recent chance discovery of a long lost test reel and some painstaking restoration work in Windows Movie Maker, this magnum opus can finally take its rightful place as the literal Citizen Kane of movies.

Friedrich Nietzsche was evicted from the womb in 1776 by a woman who, by the most astonishing of coincidences, turned out to he his mother. Birth, however, is where Nietzsche’s similarity to the rest of the human race ends, for he was and is, in exactly the same way as every other famous thinker, truly unique.

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Exhibit A:

Seven Samurai and Pokemon The Movie 2000: The Power of One

When I first saw Akira Kurosawa’s quintessential samurai film, I was expecting a masterpiece of cinema; a heart-wrenching epic; something to make me laugh, cry and cheer all at once. What I wasn’t expecting was a shot-for-shot remake of the second animated Pokemon motion picture.

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The latest bombshell in the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends and complaining about them, then updating about them with a self-referential joke about the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends, is here. And by “here”, I mean the link after this paragraph, which as I type is rendering the word “here” increasingly irrelevant by drawing the link in question away from the close-to-immediate proximity “here” suggests.

Can I start this again? No? Then read on, fair reader, to discover Why Bus Drivers Should Stop Wearing Reindeer Antlers On Their Heads. It will blow your mind, damaging valuable brain cells and making your left arm twitch involuntarily.

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Guest review by Andrew Sumner.
WARNING: contains more spoilers than a garage of riced-out pimp-rockets.

I have a friend named Dan who works at the Rialto Cineplex in downtown White Rock. Frequently, the entire theatre (all 24 screens, no less) is leased out by corporations who want to cordon it off for some kind of function, or other. Last Friday, I got a frantic call from him saying that I should get down there right away, and that I would not regret it. Little did I know that Dan would be sneaking me into a private showing of Star Wars 3!!!

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Peter Andre: The Official Biography

Posted on April 1st, 2004 by Mister Bung

Peter Andre was born to Sergio Olgan Andre, a one armed carpenter who specialized in wooden sculptures of barnyard animals, and Peppita Joule Andre, an average housewife with the power of invisibility, on February 27th, 1973 in London, England. Born into a harsh lifestyle, Peter became his father’s apprentice at the age of 2, and every day after school he worked as a replacement arm for the carpenter. Even though the work was fulfilling, Peter knew what he wanted to do – have a fleeting musical career and record a one hit wonder.

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Andrey: Well, it’s finally happened. Scientists have finally proven that life does, indeed exist in my attic. This fact, however, was immediately disputed by the philosophical community who screamed at each other about relative causality for 14 hours, and then went to a coffee shop to whinge and try to pick up the same woman, who turned out to be deaf.

In other news, HappyBob and I have “come together” (not unlike the Beatles, unless you’re talking about when they split up) to bring you a Feature the likes of which will never be linked to again. Crap.

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Posted on July 5th, 2003 by Alastair Craig

A guest essay by Ethel J. Roberts, Author & Critic.

I recently paid a visit to my local shopping centre to confront my local supermarket about the price of a recently-purchased jar of rhubarb, and was sick and disgusted at what I found. Hundreds of children, all lining up like lemmings for the new instalment of The Adventures of Harry Potter: Boy Wizard. This controversial book series has been boycotted by tens of millions of readers worldwide for its promotion of witchcraft. Despite the overwhelming pressure on bookstores and libraries to ban the series, the authorities continue to sit by idly while our youth are secretly corrupted and brainwashed with blatantly pagan and un-Christian ideals.

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Dear Mary-Kate and Ashley,

As three “Fair Dinkum” (genuine) Australian fans, we were “Happy As Larry” (joyful) to “Have A Gander” (observe) your “Pucker” (bit-of-all-right) website! We were especially delighted to see your Australian Slang Guide promoting your film Our Lips Are Sealed, which we can confirm to be 100% accurate, culturally sensitive and not at all lazily slapped together by underpaid web content writers. Now we can finally understand your American fans when they try to talk to us in “Steak & Kidney” (Sydney).

We have, however, noted some glaring omissions from your list, which we have outlined below. We believe these corrections will make this the definitive guide to holding a conversation “Down Under”!

Your biggest fans,

Ben, Alastair & Chad (Honourary Australian)

Mate = Friend
Prawn = Shrimp
Lolly = Sweet
Lolly Water = Lemonade
Apples and Pairs = Stairs
Jelly = Jell-o
Jam = Jelly
Jam-o = Frog
Frog in the pond = Chocolate frog in jelly (jam)
Barbeque = Cooking Tool
Grouse = Amusingly-Shaped
Schnorkeldoff = Pickle
Fosters = Beer
Beer = Coffee
Jiggery Pokery = Apple Pie
Floogeldoofel = Cardboard Tube
Chunder = Peanut Brittle
Pickadilly = Chilly (cold)
Fair Dinkum = An unexplained lack of purple
Dingo = Infanticide
Irwin = Mildly Embarrassing
Floobooda = Wobbly excess fat under the forearm
Moccas = Bedroom Slippers
Adelaide = Average
Ruddock = Nazi
Didgeridoo = Marital aide
Micallef = God
Galah = Idiot
Liberals = Galahs
Vegemite = Catsup
Sheila = Prostitute
No Worries = Worries
Worries = Jelly (plural)
Shivoo = Hoe-down
Shark Biscuit = Fishfood
Schnickelfritz = Small Grapefruit
Stone the Crows = “Someone stole our sheep”
Twins = Testicles*

*examples: “Ouch! That snake bit me in the twins!”,”Look, it’s the Olsen Twins!”

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