The Chicken Feed

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?
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The sun. Giver of life. Melter of ice creams. An all-around top-notch ball of incandescent gas. Yet behind that orb of brightness dwells a past of darkness. Of all the alleged scientific “facts”, none satisfactorily explain its motivation. Neither you nor I would choose to burn hundreds of millions of tonnes of hydrogen each second without a good reason. Why would the average star bother?

Why, in the name of Mighty Odin, does the sun shine?

To uncover the truth, we turned to the only power greater than our mighty solar benefactor: celebrities.

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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”

……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart

Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.

How do you get Sesame Street?

Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.

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Could our days of whimsical pointlessness be behind us? Are we selling out to relevance? Could this spell a radical transformation into – forgive me for daring to utter the forbidden word – respectability?

Find out as you delve into this hard-hitting, uncompromising interview – easily our most shocking exposé of government affairs since, well, The Rubber Chicken Talks Politics.

Stuart Drummond, Mayor of Hartlepool, UK

The Definitive Interview

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In the Celebrity Burning Question series, we contact as many celebrities or obscure parties as possible with one of life’s great questions. This edition: what do the birds and the bees really DO?


Ever since Jewel Akens sang “The Birds and the Bees” in the mid-1960s, we’ve all wondered what, exactly, the Birds and the Bees actually did. As the Bees and the Birds are quite clearly two different species, presumably with incompatible size and sexual behaviour, any intimate act would clearly be uncomfortable, if not impossible. No siree, this is a cover for something far more complex. We have vowed to solve this Burning Question the only way possible: by emailing assorted celebrities and entirely inappropriate parties.


Just a few of the experts we contacted:

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Introducing the Celebrity Burning Question series, in which we contact every celebrity who will care to listen with one of life’s great questions. This edition: Just what IS the McDonald’s mascot “Grimace”?

Ben is a man with a mission: to solve one of life’s biggest questions. Namely, “Just what the heck is Grimace from McDonalds?
How, you ask? The only logical way: by emailing as many celebrities, internet personalities and complete strangers as possible. Can the combined expertise of Cousin Oliver, Seinfeld’s “Kramer” and other prominent Earth personalities add up to a conclusive answer to this enigmatic riddle of a conundrum of a puzzle-like problem?

Just a few of the experts we contacted:
Confound it Robin, the batteries are dead!

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