The Chicken Feed

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*NSYNC Hotline – PC Game Review

Posted on January 27th, 2006 by Alastair Craig

Few bands (some would say none at all) have made as big a contribution to the music scene as Popular Musical Group *NSYNC. With a distinguished song library spanning Everybody (Backstreet’s Back), Like a Rolling Stone and the theme from Murder, She Wrote, the group is nothing short of a heaven-sent treasure to the undeserving mortal realm.

Unfortuantely, this burdens any *NSYNC merchandise with a lot to live up to. Can this tie-in PC game, with its promises of “five funny games”, “EXCLUSVIE! voice and video clips” and the chance to “learn the secrets of the boys”, do justice to the *NSYNC legacy? As a member of the twentysomething male target demographic, I vowed to find out. Continue Reading »



History’s Greatest Procrastinators
(Next week: History’s Greatest Masturbators)

A forward by Alastair “HappyBob” Craig, Editor of TheRubberChickeN64.

  • In 1964, Brian Wilson began work on The Beach Boys’ would-be magnum opus: Smile. A direct answer to The Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, this classic album could have changed music history were it not aborted following a series of complications and a nervous breakdown from Wilson himself. The Next Big Thing in rock ‘n’ roll was reduced to a mildly interesting footnote in musical history… until now. In 2004, Brian confronted his demons and recorded the album from scratch, creating a wonderful, timeless masterpiece that was well worth the wait. Finally, his vision was complete.
  • Throughout the 1990s, writer and comic mastermind Douglas Adams struggled to organise a film adaptation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “The Hollywood process,” he once remarked, “is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people come into the room and breathe on it”. Sadly, Adams passed away before he could see his pet project become a reality, with the movie showing few signs of progress… until now. In 2005, The Hitchhiker’s Guide finally saw completion in the capable hands of Garth Jennings, who created something arguably worthy of the late Adams’ memory.
  • In 2000, Adam “The Phantom Spoon” Severgnini was bored on a bus trip to high school.  To pass the time, he penned a review of Rare’s newly released Perfect Dark for TheRubberChickeN64, the newly-launched Nintendo review / silly animation hub we started together.  He passed it to me on the assumption that I’d type it up that afternoon. Tragically, I forgot, and his notes sat ignored in the bottom of a box under my bed… until now.

Ladyfolk and gentlebeings, you are about to witness history itself unfolding. We are gathered here today for the WORLD PREMIERE of that famous unfinished masterpiece, five years late, but forever ageless in its beauty:

The Phantom Spoon’s EXCLUSIVE Review of Perfect Dark: GoldenEye 2!

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Alastair: In 2004, legal issues brought Paris Hilton’s potential hit song “Screwed” to a halt. It seems fellow aspiring teen idol Haylie “Sister Of Hillary” Duff had already recorded the song the year before, and therefore owned the rights to the performance.

While we cynics can be thankful, please spare a thought for those legitimately interested in hearing Hilton’s vocal talents. It is for their benefit that we arranged this compromise – a faithful cover of the song from our own, equally talented musician, Glancy.

Paris Hilton – Screwed.MP3

“My cowriter Kara and I had never imagined that our little pop song could sound so… well….. unique!
Definitely a braver rendering than any pop diva could give. Bravo, Glancy.”

-Greg Wells, Grammy-nominated writer/producer and co-writer of “Screwed”, TRC Mailbag

Terms & Conditions

  • The Rubber Chicken will not accept responsibility for readers accidentally circulating this MP3 on file-sharing networks, where it might accidentally be mistaken for the real song.  Though we wholeheartedly encourage it.  Not sure why we were trying to be subtle with those italics there.
  • The Rubber Chicken does not condone, under any circumstances, actually listening to the above MP3.  Not even kidding here.

For entertainment easier on the ears, check out The Rubber Chicken’s Excellent Podcast.



Peter Andre: The Official Biography

Posted on April 1st, 2004 by Mister Bung

Peter Andre was born to Sergio Olgan Andre, a one armed carpenter who specialized in wooden sculptures of barnyard animals, and Peppita Joule Andre, an average housewife with the power of invisibility, on February 27th, 1973 in London, England. Born into a harsh lifestyle, Peter became his father’s apprentice at the age of 2, and every day after school he worked as a replacement arm for the carpenter. Even though the work was fulfilling, Peter knew what he wanted to do – have a fleeting musical career and record a one hit wonder.

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Andrey: Well, it’s finally happened. Scientists have finally proven that life does, indeed exist in my attic. This fact, however, was immediately disputed by the philosophical community who screamed at each other about relative causality for 14 hours, and then went to a coffee shop to whinge and try to pick up the same woman, who turned out to be deaf.

In other news, HappyBob and I have “come together” (not unlike the Beatles, unless you’re talking about when they split up) to bring you a Feature the likes of which will never be linked to again. Crap.

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Wheresmegherkin: The Story So Far

Posted on October 30th, 2002 by Alastair Craig

Most popular bands sport an interesting story behind their name. Luckily, wheresmegerkin? never gained popularity. The band’s original lineup needs no introduction (but will nonetheless get one): Hannah Craig, vocalist, chronic pyromaniac and former bassist (following a court order to be kept away from all flammable objects), Louise Alipaté, drummer, pianist and self-declared Tina Turner Karaoke Queen, and guitarist Alastair Craig, who writes erotic Star Wars fan-fiction.

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