The Chicken Feed

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This morning I received a late birthday package from an unknown sender. Fearing anthrax, I nervously glanced inside to find the pop-culture equivalent.  Brett Cullen of Perth, Western Australia, you are a wonderful bastard.

Andrey: Well, it’s finally happened. Scientists have finally proven that life does, indeed exist in my attic. This fact, however, was immediately disputed by the philosophical community who screamed at each other about relative causality for 14 hours, and then went to a coffee shop to whinge and try to pick up the same woman, who turned out to be deaf.

In other news, HappyBob and I have “come together” (not unlike the Beatles, unless you’re talking about when they split up) to bring you a Feature the likes of which will never be linked to again. Crap.

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Dear Mary-Kate and Ashley,

As three “Fair Dinkum” (genuine) Australian fans, we were “Happy As Larry” (joyful) to “Have A Gander” (observe) your “Pucker” (bit-of-all-right) website! We were especially delighted to see your Australian Slang Guide promoting your film Our Lips Are Sealed, which we can confirm to be 100% accurate, culturally sensitive and not at all lazily slapped together by underpaid web content writers. Now we can finally understand your American fans when they try to talk to us in “Steak & Kidney” (Sydney).

We have, however, noted some glaring omissions from your list, which we have outlined below. We believe these corrections will make this the definitive guide to holding a conversation “Down Under”!

Your biggest fans,

Ben, Alastair & Chad (Honourary Australian)

Mate = Friend
Prawn = Shrimp
Lolly = Sweet
Lolly Water = Lemonade
Apples and Pairs = Stairs
Jelly = Jell-o
Jam = Jelly
Jam-o = Frog
Frog in the pond = Chocolate frog in jelly (jam)
Barbeque = Cooking Tool
Grouse = Amusingly-Shaped
Schnorkeldoff = Pickle
Fosters = Beer
Beer = Coffee
Jiggery Pokery = Apple Pie
Floogeldoofel = Cardboard Tube
Chunder = Peanut Brittle
Pickadilly = Chilly (cold)
Fair Dinkum = An unexplained lack of purple
Dingo = Infanticide
Irwin = Mildly Embarrassing
Floobooda = Wobbly excess fat under the forearm
Moccas = Bedroom Slippers
Adelaide = Average
Ruddock = Nazi
Didgeridoo = Marital aide
Micallef = God
Galah = Idiot
Liberals = Galahs
Vegemite = Catsup
Sheila = Prostitute
No Worries = Worries
Worries = Jelly (plural)
Shivoo = Hoe-down
Shark Biscuit = Fishfood
Schnickelfritz = Small Grapefruit
Stone the Crows = “Someone stole our sheep”
Twins = Testicles*

*examples: “Ouch! That snake bit me in the twins!”,”Look, it’s the Olsen Twins!”

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