The Chicken Feed

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SpamArt: Postcards From The Internet

Posted on August 29th, 2009 by Paul Matijevic

FACT: In his daily tech support work for The Man, Tim encounters a huge volume of unintentionally hilarious spam subject headings.

FACT: The world has been a slightly less awesome place since Spamusement.com stopped posting its priceless visual interpretations of such spam titles, and will remain slightly less awesome until somebody picks up where it left off.

FACT: Paul “Ettin” Matijevic can sketch a mean stick figure.

CONCLUSION:



Andrey: Christmas means many things to many people. To us at the Rubber Chicken, for example, it means nothing. Much like the Jews of the field and the Blacks of the air, we adorn ourselves come December in the colors of our own dark festival.

This storied ritual, known to the billions of people who celebrate it every years as Saint Crispin’s Day, is that time of year when families come together to exchange gifts and celebrate the yule-tide cheer that powers us through the remaining eleven months of every gruelling annum.

Saint Crispin’s Day is the Christmas of media-hijacked religious holidays, and via the soft-padded alternate universe of our podcast, we now invite you to have a nibble at the ceremonial moose-head, stuff some gifts in your kids’ shoes, and wring in St. Crispin’s with us like the heathen kings of old did.

We would have invited you to do this on December 25th, but people were busy for some reason.

Starring
Andrey Summers, Tim Morrison, Fiona Revill, Michael Cope and “Dave”.
with Brett Cullen, Alastair Craig and Gord Myren

Written and compiled by Andrey Summers
Additional editing by Alastair Craig

Directly Download MP3

Subscribe to TRC Podcast to stay up-to-date with new shows.
iTunes / Google Reader / myAOL / My Yahoo / Bloglines.

Now with Episode Commentary (after the jump)

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Perry’s Picnic

Posted on June 28th, 2008 by Fiona Revill

Andrey: TRC’s readership is many things. One of those things is a viewership. And with that in mind, we present the first in a series of Televised Segments that you – the fans – Implicitly Demanded in the Wiki. Not only is this more evidence of how interactive, and mindful of our public we are, it’s also an embarrassing indication of our insufferable tendency to pander.

Most of all, however, it’s a highly amusing bit of collaboration with Local Celebrity Adam Pateman, whose standup comedy you can procure on YouTube, and let’s face it – probably should.

The next installment of Perry’s Picnic will be appearing as soon as you ingest this one, and if you like it, say so in the so-called Forums and we’ll see what we can do with regards to pandering some more. A higher-quality version of the vid is available on the YouTube page right under the abominably low viewer-count.



The I Feel Pretty Good Blues

Posted on February 2nd, 2008 by Gord Myren

The genre-defining closing song of Podcast 201.

Download MP3
Add to MySpace profile

Music and vocals by Gord Myren.
Lyrics by Andrey Summers.
Recorded by the Red Square Collective.

More songs from The Rubber Chicken Podcast

Lyrics after the jump

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Dear Formless Underlord,

Last night, the galpal was, to put it bluntly, totally horny. Seriously. Like [DAMNED] rabbits that have sex SO MUCH. Thing is, she was all, “Henceforth!, thou shalt insert thine instrument of power into mine orifice of victory!”, and I was all, “The [DAMNED] you sayin’, [DAMNED]?” I totally love my girl, don’t get me wrong- But when she wants to, as they say on TV, “bump buoy” (As I tell myself, think about it and take it any way you want), she starts talking really crazy. All I want to hear is a normal “[DAMNED] me”, none of this Rennaissance [DAMNED]. How do I teach my woman the proper linguistics of love?

With much ado,
Deejay Zero-Gravity Orgasm.

HAIL MORTAL DEEJAY ZERO-GRAVI-ZERO-WHAT?
FIRST, INSECT, AN APOLOGY FOR THE CRIMSON CENSOR’S DAMNATION OF AN ENTIRE BRANCH OF YOUR LEXICON. UNDERSTAND: THE BORDERLESS SUFFERING IN THE REALM OF BURNING NIGHT IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT THE ADDED BURDEN OF YOUR CUSSING. NOW, HUMAN, YOUR ANSWER. CRAVE YOU SIMPLICITY IN YOUR OTHER’S COITAL SOLILOQUIES? THEN YOU YOURSELF MUST ASSUME THE MANTLE OF WORDSMITH. DEMAND THAT YOUR OTHER PROSTRATE HERSELF BEFORE YOU AND PREPARE FOR TORMENT UN-BELIEVED BY THE MULTITUDE AND UNHEARD BY YOUR SILENT GOD. SO DWARFED WILL BE HER MIND AND STILL HER HEART THAT VERILY SHALL YOU CARRY OUT YOUR DARK TASK IN SILENCE.

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Fifty Dubious Compliments

Posted on March 8th, 2006 by Andrey Summers

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Dear Formless Underlord,
My friend who happens to be a girl and I have known each other for 17 years. Over the course of a year, me and her have become very…close. Problem is that she doesn’t want to put out despite us knowing each other all our lives. What words of seduction would you recommend for me to whisper in her ear to get the piece of the pie?
Thanks,
lightjohn4

HAIL MORTAL LIGHTHOUSE!
SEVENTEEN OF YOUR AIMLESS EARTHLY “YEARS” AMOUNT ONLY TO THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES FOR THE FESTERING WRETCH-SPAWN OF THE OX-SERPENT TO HEAVE A SINGLE, ANGUISHED, BREATH. PERHAPS IN HER MISGUIDED IGNORANCE YOUR OTHER CLINGS TO VIRGINITY AS THOUGH IT MEANT MORE THAN WHAT IT TRULY IS: A BIT OF DEAD SKIN ACTING ONLY AS FORESHADOWING OF YOUR GRIM, DUSTY, FUTURE. EXPLAIN THE ABOVE TO HER- PERHAPS USING THIS EXACT TERMINOLOGY – AND I AM CERTAIN THAT SOON YOU SHALL BE SERVICED AS YOUR WILL BEHOOVES.

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Dear Formless Underlord,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and we’ve gotten pretty “close” in the “bedroom”, but we never seem to be able to go all the way. I’m his first girlfriend, and I know he’s very attracted to me…so what do I do to finally fire things up??

Lindsay

Hail Mortal Lindsay.

Do not concern yourself with “firing things up” during your worthless affairs of the flesh. All will be consumed by the black flame of the Crimson Kingdom in the course of the eternal star-scape. If you desire the fleeting communal pleasure that your Other refuses to grant, you may drive a dagger into his heart during the Rite of Baphomet, and this symbolic emasculation, as you enter him with your own deadly phallic symbol will banish his self-consciousness forever into the lightless ether. His body is yours.

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Alastair: When I announce, as I often do, that I have met the Andrey Summers, the usual reaction is disbelief. “Surely not the distinguished actor who graduated from the University of East Anglia to land a supporting role in the Indiana Jones films, later playing the fat professor in the first two seasons of Sliders, and recently starring as Gimli and Treebeard in the blockbuster Lord of the Rings trilogy?” my audience would ask, to which I’d reply “no, that’s John Rhys-Davies.”

Hair? Eyes? Distinguishing facial features? I can confirm that Andrey does, in fact, have all of these. But the most distinguishing feature on Andrey’s face would have to have been that large piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth. I probably should have told him about that before I left. (Joke © Aussie Ben, 2004)

What follows is our long-awaited account of that fruity and fruitful meeting between myself and Andrey, and vice versa. And only nine months after the fact – honestly, we spoil you.

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Chad Surname is the MAN for YOU!

Posted on July 12th, 2004 by Andrey Summers

Hello, Ladies. If you’re like me, then you’re male, in which case stop reading now, but if you’re a single woman between the ages of 17 and 21, then perk up your ears and pluck out your eyebrows, because have I ever got a surprise for you.

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