We at The Rubber Chicken have long considered the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon a few edits and a laugh track away from being the perfect sitcom. Even the voice actors openly recognise villains Krang and Shredder as the classic bickering married couple. Now if only somebody would get rid of those pesky turtles, we could finally enjoy TMNT as the romantic adventure-comedy it was clearly destined to be.
So join us, won’t you, as we explore the history and the delightful quirks of everyone’s favouritest burbling, giggling homicidal megalomaniac of a brain with razor sharp teeth that slots neatly into the belly of a gigantic naked robot android.
Honestly, how can ANYONE not like the Classic Ninja Turtles cartoon? Seriously?
For a celebrity, former Rubber Chicken contributor Blake Barham is remarkably humble. His brief stint at the late Nintendo Gamer magazine (a gig, I confess, that has attracted some jealousy from the rest of us) propelled him into a world of well-endowed cars and fast women. Yet he still finds the time to look back acknowledge those who helped him in the early days.
One such gesture arrived on my birthday. And by “gesture”, I mean “packet of Growing Pains trading cards from 1988″, complete with seventeen-year-old bubble gum. Thus began the adventure of a lifetime.
I’m not sure if any of you have ever been sick, but when you are like I am right now, oftentimes you will become mentally handicapped, and it’s one of the most terrifying experiences you can ever have. I went to sleep last night around 9:30 PM, seven hours earlier than usual. I had been dreaming of Pee Wee Herman’s playhouse, but it kept getting hotter and hotter. Eventually, Cowboy Curtis caught on fire, and Chairy caught on fire, and that genis head in the box caught on fire and Pee Wee started running around and I started screaming. I sat down in Chairy, but she was on fire, and I caught on fire too.
I awoke with a start, sweating, terrified, and six feet off the ground. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, left foot, and head. Something was definitely not good, and I was going to get to th— Six feet off the ground? What?!? I looked down, flopped around in sheer panic, and eventually came to the conclusion that I was in the top bunk bed, the same place I’ve been sleeping the last three months. My roommate was noisily watching TV, and I stared at the side of his head intently for about thirty seconds. He thought he was so great. I could watch TV too, but I decided against it because, after all, I was very high off the ground.
“Alchemy is… do you want gold?” I asked.
“I can make you gold out of lead, because I am an alchemist. If you want gold out of straw or water I can make straw gold and water gold.”
The classic Ninja Turtles series as it was meant to be seen.
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Did You Know?
On any given day, you can look back on the way you thought the day before and say, “I was such a misguided moron. Now I finally understand what’s right.” However, you will never realize that nobody ever just stops being a misguided moron. (If you know you are a misguided moron, this doesn’t negate that fact. If you’re not really a misguided moron, falsely thinking you are makes you one.)