Dear Formless Underlord,
My friend who happens to be a girl and I have known each other for 17 years. Over the course of a year, me and her have become very…close. Problem is that she doesn’t want to put out despite us knowing each other all our lives. What words of seduction would you recommend for me to whisper in her ear to get the piece of the pie?
HAIL MORTAL LIGHTHOUSE!
SEVENTEEN OF YOUR AIMLESS EARTHLY “YEARS” AMOUNT ONLY TO THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES FOR THE FESTERING WRETCH-SPAWN OF THE OX-SERPENT TO HEAVE A SINGLE, ANGUISHED, BREATH. PERHAPS IN HER MISGUIDED IGNORANCE YOUR OTHER CLINGS TO VIRGINITY AS THOUGH IT MEANT MORE THAN WHAT IT TRULY IS: A BIT OF DEAD SKIN ACTING ONLY AS FORESHADOWING OF YOUR GRIM, DUSTY, FUTURE. EXPLAIN THE ABOVE TO HER- PERHAPS USING THIS EXACT TERMINOLOGY – AND I AM CERTAIN THAT SOON YOU SHALL BE SERVICED AS YOUR WILL BEHOOVES.