The Chicken Feed

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In The Rubber Chicken’s Burning Question series, we have successfully solved some of life’s greatest mysteries by asking every celebrity or inappropriate party we could find.  What is The Grimace? What do the birds and the bees do? How do you get to Sesame Street? Why does the sun shine? (The answers, in order: 1. Cloned Mutant Beetroot / 2. They Make Toast / 3.  A Global Network of Mario-Style Warp Pipes / 4. It’s Complicated.)

Isn’t it about time we applied this research technique to the Greater Good?  What if, instead of drawing upon pop-culture or lightweight philosophy, we turned to cold, hard science?

In my daily search for risqué Last Starfighter fan fiction, I accidentally stumbled upon an astronomy blog and learned a startling fact:
90% of the universe’s mass remains unaccounted for.

Today, we pitch the following question to our guests:
Where is the universe’s missing mass?

Well, Television’s Michelle Rodriguez?
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Alastair: When I announce, as I often do, that I have met the Andrey Summers, the usual reaction is disbelief. “Surely not the distinguished actor who graduated from the University of East Anglia to land a supporting role in the Indiana Jones films, later playing the fat professor in the first two seasons of Sliders, and recently starring as Gimli and Treebeard in the blockbuster Lord of the Rings trilogy?” my audience would ask, to which I’d reply “no, that’s John Rhys-Davies.”

Hair? Eyes? Distinguishing facial features? I can confirm that Andrey does, in fact, have all of these. But the most distinguishing feature on Andrey’s face would have to have been that large piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth. I probably should have told him about that before I left. (Joke © Aussie Ben, 2004)

What follows is our long-awaited account of that fruity and fruitful meeting between myself and Andrey, and vice versa. And only nine months after the fact – honestly, we spoil you.

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A terrifying look at the obscure tenth season of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Why do turtles / suddenly appear / every time...

Today we’re going to check out the first two episodes of the mysterious Season Ten of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Not the “modernized” version with the ludicrously long headbands, no pupils and stupid comic book wipes – I’m talking about the original series here, with the ever-burbling Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, and Irma, Irma, IRMA.

Except of course, being Season Ten, the last season of TMNT, the whole series had undergone drastic changes by this time and none of those characters are in the show. “What about Shredder?” I hear you cry? Well, despite the butchered version of the theme song (wait for the falsetto!) insisting that the “evil Shredder attacks”, you can forget it.

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Your guide to forging the Perfect Taco, from the most reliable of culinary authorities: a small-time comedy website.

How do you start an article that discusses the merits of washing your drains thoroughly every two years? You don’t.

Everybody knows that Tacos are the staple of everybody’s diet. Hitler ate tacos before commiting suicide. Indiana Jones is famous for his trademark “Taco Dance” remark in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Even the second richest biped in the world (the first being Scrooge McDuck), Bill Gates, is humbled by the very thought of a taco. He purchased Taco Bell on a whim! No, wait. That was a taco. He purchased a taco on a whim.

Anyway, with all this talk of tacos, I thought it was only appropriate that I show you how I make them. I mean, what’s the point of reading this site all the time if you don’t learn something, right? I’m sure there’s logic in there somewhere. Please let me know if you find it.

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