Posted on December 11th, 2003 by Mr. Karl
Because we love idle contributor Karl “Galder Weatherwax’s Hat” Kavanagh far too dearly to let him live his life constructively, The Rubber Chicken will post Forum excerpts of his enviable Irish wit under his name until he caves and writes something new for TRC proper.
We miss you, Karl.
- “I’ve never understood exactly how you’d go about giving someone the cold shoulder. I, for one, quite enjoy my shoulders and, only having two, am in no state to go flinging them about.”
- “If Ireland’s premier television vote-in music video show for people who aren’t in bed at three in the morning, Music 3, is any indication, “Gay Bar” is popular among people who aren’t in bed at three in the morning and are inclined to vote in to vote-in music video shows on Ireland’s premier television.”
- “Cleanliness is far overrated. It involves washing. One of my t-shirts is regularly washed, and now is less black than before. And a part of the giant arse that Rik Mayall and Ade Edmunson are in is gone. This just so it can bend? No thank you.”
- “I swear I’m not as camp in real life. Except when I’m wearing a dress.”
I’m not sure if any of you have ever been sick, but when you are like I am right now, oftentimes you will become mentally handicapped, and it’s one of the most terrifying experiences you can ever have. I went to sleep last night around 9:30 PM, seven hours earlier than usual. I had been dreaming of Pee Wee Herman’s playhouse, but it kept getting hotter and hotter. Eventually, Cowboy Curtis caught on fire, and Chairy caught on fire, and that genis head in the box caught on fire and Pee Wee started running around and I started screaming. I sat down in Chairy, but she was on fire, and I caught on fire too.
I awoke with a start, sweating, terrified, and six feet off the ground. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, left foot, and head. Something was definitely not good, and I was going to get to th— Six feet off the ground? What?!? I looked down, flopped around in sheer panic, and eventually came to the conclusion that I was in the top bunk bed, the same place I’ve been sleeping the last three months. My roommate was noisily watching TV, and I stared at the side of his head intently for about thirty seconds. He thought he was so great. I could watch TV too, but I decided against it because, after all, I was very high off the ground.
“Alchemy is… do you want gold?” I asked.
“I can make you gold out of lead, because I am an alchemist. If you want gold out of straw or water I can make straw gold and water gold.”
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Well, I’m a college-type person now, living the college life. So you know what that means… DORM ROOM PRANKS!!! Ahem. This first one came to me as I walked down the hall to lunch one day and saw that a girl had posted a desparate lovenote on one of my neighbor’s doors. I had to join the fun, you know.
And because I love you all so much, it’s a paramecium in a necktie!
Posted on August 18th, 2003 by Ben K
Alastair: Australian comedian Shaun Micallef is somewhat of a demigod to The Rubber Chicken’s Australian writers. His previous sketch comedy series is eerily similar to the sort of show we would make, but for our lack of time, money and talent. It was therefore only natural that we await Micallef Tonight, his long-overdue return to television, as parents would their firstborn. And when that show (let’s end the baby metaphor here before things get ugly) was prematurely axed by the Nine Network after barely two months on air, we considered it a direct and personal insult.
The following retaliatory letters won’t bring the show back, but they just might waste precious seconds of a Channel Nine secretary’s time. And in the end, that’s what ThatChickenSite.com is all about. More importantly, we hope they give you a good chuckle, and go that little way in restoring the laughs robbed from the world in these dark, dark days.
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View more posts filed under Letters and Words, Australia, Hassling People Of Importance, Hats, Micallef Tonight, News, Pants Or Lack Thereof, Sexual Intercourse, Shaun Micallef, Television, Tomfoolery
Posted on June 10th, 2003 by Ben K
A small sample of the comic genius YOU are missing out on by living in a different country to Mr. Shaun Micallef.
This is just ridiculous. Not only has comedian and television personality Shaun Micallef yet to reach total world domination, but he’s only reaching the miniscule audience of millions of Australian viewers! We’ll soon fix that. With the magic of this wonderful Inter-Web Net Thingy, I can let all sorts of people around the world know about Shaun’s many hilarious shenanigans. I claim no responsibilty for the jokes, though. They’re all Shaun’s. I’m just ‘spreading the word’, as it were.
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Posted on March 10th, 2003 by Ben K
I woke up last Monday morning to turn on the television and expect some quality entertainment. Instead of being treated to the latest of episode of Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z Go On a Date and Meet That Kid From Pokémon, I received only static. What was causing this problem? Mickey Mouse? Alan Jones? The Aliens that come out of your stomach and shred your insides? The Trick Master from Pokémon Ruby? There was only one way to find out, and that was to seek guidance from others.
Soon enough, I was on the Internet and for some reason being led to a website about creating your own conspiracy theories. I filled in the appropriate fields, and my suspicions were soon created validated – there was a conspiracy afoot! And if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a walking conspiracy on the loose. The other thing I can’t stand are bad puns, so I’ll soon be taking this article up with the editors. After a bit more digging, I was led to the button that starts up AOL Instant Messenger. AH HA! Surely my answer would lie there, in the eternal limbo of pointless information itself? And after a short seven hour wait, (and several exercises of the ‘Block’ button) who should appear but one Alastair “HappyBob” Craig? With a great suspicion, I plunged forth and sent forward the accusations:
Aussie Ben Work: I knew it! You’re the one that’s jamming my television antenna signals and in turn causing chaos and exposing me to subliminal mind-altering static! You can’t lie to me. YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME!!!
HappyBobTRC64: I’ll bet you’ve unplugged your antenna again, haven’t you. You spanner.
Aussie Ben Work: I have done no such thing! And to prove you wrong, I’m going to check right now.
Half an hour passes.
Aussie Ben Work: Shut up.
And so solved…
The Mystery of the Spoilt Marmalade
Next Episode: The Mystery of the Missing Telephone Cable That Someone Borrowed
Title art by Scott McQuaig. Van by Amanda Schroeder.
More Conspiracies on ThatChickenSite.com:
Celebrity Burning Question: How Do You Get To Sesame Street?
The Arctic White Froot Loop Campaign
CLOVERFIELD WAS A INSIDE JOB!!!!