In recent weeks, I’ve had the absolute pleasure of playing a supporting role in The Vine: Donkey Kong Audio Programme. I must insist you have the absolute pleasure of listening to it.
Not into video games? That’s okay, neither are the hosts. Think of it as the legitimate front for crude but classy conversational comedy. It’s a mammoth production, a huge labour of love, and brimming with the warmly familiar, silky-smooth voices of Rubber Chicken alumni.
Be warned: Emmy-winnng hosts Chad and Hyle are not the most tactful gentlemen, and tend to use masturbation jokes as punctuation. You’ll hate yourself for laughing, but oh, you will laugh.
As it may or may not have been suggested, the one and only Tim Schafer (creator of such fine quality titles as Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle and Grim Fandango, or at least somebody who knows him) has been rumoured to have once (maybe) visited our very own site.
But who cares about that? I’ve got my very own copy of his latest exploits, made by the awesome half-leprechaun people from Double Fine. Behold, then, as we take you on our very own PSYCHONAUTS ADVENTURE!
Click, and be blown away by the awesomeness of its blinding stupendousness! Go now! Puffy McTattoo Lady compels you! “Puff puff!” she says! “My lungs are rotting away as I speak, so every word I say is extremely precious! I’m wasting precious talk time to tell you to click! So click!”
“CLICK!!!”
“PUFF!! PUFF!! Oh, I can feel the tar eating away at those little puffy things inside my lungs. But it’s okay! I’ll cope. Don’t worry, I’m tough – I have a tattoo! I’ll bet you wish you had a tattoo as tough as mine, don’t you? Well, you can’t get one. Only tough people who can handle tar can get tattoos like these.”
Lee Thomas (joined by Microsoft founder Bill Gates, teen heartthrob actor Tim Curry, taco damage surveyor Meowth, and a Pirate Ghost) at a recent press conference, announcing his plans to humiliate The Rubber Chicken over Xbox Live.
If there’s one vice we take pride in, it’s Bungholio‘s award-winning collection of interesting scabs. But if there were two, the second would be our habit of taking minor complaints and blowing them wildly and inappropriately out of proportion. Consider the curious case of one Lee Thomas. (Hi Lee!) In 2003 Mr. Thomas objected to our use of his photograph for a comic. Never mind that the joke wasn’t defamatory in any way whatsoever. Nor that the photo itself was in the public domain. And certainly not that we clearly focussed on Bill Gates, not the handsome young competition winner next to him. Nevertheless, he wanted closure …and got it.
Overkill? Of course. But not without precedent. No, it appears we weren’t the first to have a platonic Lee Thomas infatuation.
Ladies, gentlemen and David Sanborne of Naperville, Illinois; I give you Exhibit B: The Golden D, the second solo album by ex-Blur guitarist Graham Coxon (pictured left, in a Sailor Moon costume). Listen to the first track’s opening and you’ll hear a suspiciously familiar name being spoken repeatedly. I wouldn’t recommend actually buying the CD, on account of it being a pretentious load of wank. (Although his latest album, Happiness in Magazines is a great listen. Fans of Blur, and especially Coffee & TV, will love it. Highly recommended. Four stars.) So to save your valuable time, money and rock snob dignity, I have uploaded this bite-sized snippet for your aural pleasure.
I later realized the song was actually called “Jamie Thomas” and I probably just misheard it. Maybe Lee forced them to change it by threatening legal action. But probably not. Still – food for thought! Tasteless, unfulfilling food, but food nonetheless.
“We arent really new. We’ve been kicking like a mutated cow for nearly 3 years now, and I think we’re finally recieving the attention we deserve.”
Ahh, Rare-Extreme. “Sharply written”, “witty” and “reliable” are but a few adjectives one could easily place next to their name with the aid of any functional writing instrument or word processor. The technology is there, and we aren’t in a position to stop you.
Over the years R-E have made contact with many reliable inside sources, promising the secret behind Banjo-Kazooie’s infamous “Stop ‘N’ Swop” feature (but never revealing it), confirming Perfect Dark 2′s appearance at E3 2002 (which never showed it), and even scoring a tour of Rare HQ. Yes, they’ve done it all. We at The Rubber Chicken might have had occasional creative differences with Rare-Extreme, but it doesn’t mean we don’t respect them as fellow journalists. Sometimes a gentleman must swallow his pride and give credit to his enemies. In the following exposé, we hope to establish their credibility once and for all.
In the Celebrity Burning Question series, we contact as many celebrities or obscure parties as possible with one of life’s great questions. This edition: what do the birds and the bees really DO?
Ever since Jewel Akens sang “The Birds and the Bees” in the mid-1960s, we’ve all wondered what, exactly, the Birds and the Bees actually did. As the Bees and the Birds are quite clearly two different species, presumably with incompatible size and sexual behaviour, any intimate act would clearly be uncomfortable, if not impossible. No siree, this is a cover for something far more complex. We have vowed to solve this Burning Question the only way possible: by emailing assorted celebrities and entirely inappropriate parties.
Alastair: Remember ? You know, Ben’s quirky, insightful and (hah!) weekly series adding dialogue from old LucasArts adventure games to real-world photos? If not, I know what you’re thinking: what a delightful idea! There is absolutely no chance of this offending anybody!
One man defied those expectations. One man broke the shackles and challenged us. Today we pay tribute to this man – this hero – the only way we know how: with an insane and the not-at-all defamatory Flash animation from Bungholio.
Visual treats from The Rubber Chicken’s ill-advised fake site replacement for April Fools’ Day 2002.
Thanks to all who contributed. You know who you are.
JOANA DARK IZ KEWL
“this is my best drawing ever! I made it of Joanna, from PErfect Dark, the greatest game ever from rare. this is the first time I’ve drawn her with clothes, tho.”
- jim treevault.
In recent weeks, I’ve had the absolute pleasure of playing a supporting role in The Vine: Donkey Kong Audio Programme. I must insist you have the absolute pleasure of listening to it.
Comment on this post »
Ladies, gentlemen and David Sanborne of Naperville, Illinois; I give you Exhibit B: The Golden D, the second solo album by ex-Blur guitarist Graham Coxon (pictured left, in a Sailor Moon costume). Listen to the first track’s opening and you’ll hear a suspiciously familiar name being spoken repeatedly. I wouldn’t recommend actually buying the CD, on account of it being a pretentious load of wank. (Although his latest album, Happiness in Magazines is a great listen. Fans of Blur, and especially Coffee & TV, will love it. Highly recommended. Four stars.) So to save your valuable time, money and rock snob dignity, I have uploaded this bite-sized snippet for your aural pleasure.
If you’ve got a problem, yo, I’ll solve it. (The problem.) Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. (The hook.)
