10. His last name is Curry.
Finally, the practical functionality of the surname meets everybody’s favourite diarrhea-inducing culinary treat. Tim CURRY! Think about it. His last name is CURRY! CURRY! How AWESOME is THAT? When somebody asks him for an autograph, he gets to write “CURRY”! When he orders pappadums at Indian restaurants, they’ll deliver the wrong meal, because he gave his last name as CURRY! He could go on a double date with Tim Rice, or even start up a band with him so they could call themselves Rice and CURRY! If that isn’t the greatest last name ever conceived by man, then …oh, who are we kidding? It is the greatest last name ever conceived, by either gender, and those who disagree ought to be repeatedly kicked in an unpleasant place (Adelaide). I mean, come on! CURRY!
9. He has voice acted in not one, but FOUR adventure games!
Being associated with Adventure games automatically makes you ten times cooler. Just look at Tim Schafer, Ron Gilbert and Blake Barham of Newcastle, Australia. All moderately normal people (or in the case of Blake, a complete tool). But get them remotely involved with an Adventure game in some way and they become amazingly brilliant people with a trail blaze of success in their wake (or once again in the case of Blake, less of a complete tool). But Mr. Curry has lent his silky smooth voice to not one, but FOUR Adventure games, which are all probably ten times better just because he’s in them. Let’s take a look:
- Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers – A brilliant crime-solving murder-killing mystery, with VOODOO. It starred TIM CURRY!
- Toonstruck – A game where Christopher Lloyd was an cartoonist who got sucked into his world of animation, eventually to be captured and tortured by Count Nefarious, who was played by TIM CURRY!
- Frankenstein: Through the Eyes of a Monster – A game which had something to do with Frankenstein, and was probably awesome. The main character was Dr. Frankenstein, played by TIM CURRY!
- Gabriel Knight: Blood of the Sacred, Blood of the Damned – Gabriel Knight returns in this crime-solving murder-killing mystery with VAMPIRES. It starred TIM CURRY!
8. In the first three episodes of Earth 2 he played a bad guy called Gaal!
7. He can escape ANY awful movie with his dignity intact.
Scary Movie 2. Doom Runners. Loaded Weapon 1. All were panned by critics; all featured Tim Curry. Yet look at him, and what do you see? Pure class. Heck, dignity itself would stand back and bow in his presence. Then give him an erotic footrub.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is a classic example. This popular sequel was show business suicide for almost all involved. Within years of the film’s release, Macauly Culkin grew up, ending his successful career as a child actor in a very literal sense. Director Chris Columbus faded into obscurity, stopping only to adapt a couple of mildly popular Satanic children’s novels on the way out. Rob Schneider never acted in a popular Hollywood film again. But Sir Curry remains an immensely popular actor and sex symbol. This hasn’t stopped a myriad of filmmakers from trying to run his reputation into the ground, but there’s just no stopping him. Not even an unhealthy beheading in Charlie’s Angels could squash his groundbreaking performance as a Sumo Singer in Rugrats in Paris: The Movie.
It would take Ed Wood to rise from the grave and direct a new movie, starring Curry in the place of the late (and presumably still dead) Bella Lugosi, to cast him in even the faintest negative light. And even then one gets the impression his already spectacular talent will only shine brighter by comparison, perhaps earning him a Most Charming Smile Oscar in the process. The man is indestructible.
6. He’s done more cartoon voices than you could point a really pointy thing at.
You think you know that Tim Curry’s done a few cartoon voices, do you? Well, there’s no need to be so rude. We’re only trying to inform here, nothing more. Honestly, here we are, trying to provide you with entertainment, FREE entertainment, I might add, and you go and lash out and snipe at us! I don’t know what’s happened to the youth of today – no manners, that’s for sure. If it were up to me, I’d be taking a shotgun in the street and anyone who so much as freaking looked at me sideways would get their kneecaps full of lead. However, I’ve long since been regulated to anti-depressants to control my fitful seizures. But I haven’t been taking my medication for months now, Mavis. Oh yes, and I’ve loosened my restraints, too. Yeah sure, you know that Curry was MAL in Captain Planet, the terrifying Nigel Thornberry in The Wild Thornberries, and you may vaguely remember him as the villain from The oh-so-successful Mighty Ducks cartoon, but it’s only the tip of the Titanic-sized iceberg. Here, in no particular order, are some of his more bizarre and obscure roles:
Hexxus – FernGully
Skullmaster – Mighty Max
Taurus Bulba – Darkwing Duck
King Maximillion Acorn – Sonic the Hedgehog
Dr. Anton Sevarius – Gargoyles
Moltoc – Quack Pack
Trader Slick – Jumanji
Professor Finbarr Calamitous, (the man who can’t finish anything) – The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius
Dr. Mystico – Freakazoid
Pretorius – The Mask
5. He’s so dreamy.
Now let’s get straight to the point. Neither of us prefers jazz ballet over the opposite sex, nor do we own that many Barbra Streissand albums. But how could you resist those boyish good looks?
Those deep haunting eyes pierce one’s soul, as if to say “only I truly understand you”. His expression is always compassionate, but demands attention. It could make even the sanest fan want to phone him up and nervously ask, between girlish giggling, if he’d like to go out for a coffee sometime. Alas, it is not to be. His celebrity status makes meeting him an impossible dream. Yet this unattainability only adds to the intrigue of his enigmatic persona. Tim Curry truly is the original man of mystery, and we want to have his children. Heterosexually. Um.
4. His “absolutely” could melt butter.
(Flash button courtesy of Mister Bung)
3. TELL IT TO ME, MAL BABY!
Remember Captian Planet, the environmentally-conscious early 90s cartoon series? Of course you do. Every episode the Planeteers would shout “Earth”, “Fire”, “Wind”, “Water” and “Heart”, channeling their environmental powers through MAGIC RINGS to form CAPTAIN PLANET! Only it wasn’t “Wind” – with Linka’s Russian accent it was closer to “VIIIIIND!” And the Asian girl’s shout was more like “WAH-TER!” And don’t get us started on “Heart”. That Ma-Ti never did much. Sure, he had the pet monkey, but that just doesn’t cut it these days, and Wheeler was cooler anyway. And how about that theme song? Remember when everyone at school used to rearrange the lyrics to form “Captain Planet / he’s a zero”, which was hilarious because it rhymed with “hero”? Ahh, good times.
Anyway, remember the zany ensemble of villains who had nothing better to do than pollute the Earth? Yes? Remember Dr. Blight, the evil scientist woman who had the slightly suspect relationship with her intelligent computer MAL? Oh, come on, you can’t have missed it. She said “Tell it to me, MAL baby!” all the time! Yes, really. Well it turns out she was voiced (at least until 1991) by none other than MEG RYAN! Really! And Whoopi Goldberg played Gia, Spirit of the Earth! You think that’s cool? Margot Kidder – yes, LOIS fricking LANE – took over from her in the fourth season. Jeff Goldblum also briefly voiced Duke Nukem. Oh yes, and Tim Curry was MAL. How about that?
2. One word: Frankenfurter.
How could we forget Lord Curry’s most famous and memorable performance to date? Not very easily, that’s for sure. Once you’ve seen him as a psychotic, singing alien transvestite in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, the image will be burnt into your mind until the day you die.
Let’s repeat that. He played a PSYCHOTIC, SINGING, ALIEN transVESTITE.
Some things in life are best left described by a montage.
1. THE WORST WITCH!
On the surface, The Worst Witch isn’t too dissimilar to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Both are slightly obscure, generally mediocre children’s films redeemed by insane musical performances. TMNT has its hilariously out-of-place Vanilla Ice cameo, and The Worst Witch is saved by Tim Curry’s infamous acid trip of a music video.
This scene works on so many levels. While he only has a handful of lines in the film, Curry packs each of The Grand Wizard’s lines with more innuendo than in his Rocky Horror role. Case in point:
Grand Wizard: “Do you have any plans for this unexpected… trip?”
Mildred: “Well, I suppose I’d better practice my flying.”
GW: “Would you like to practice …with me?”
M: “With you?”
GW: “Oh… absolutely.”
But it’s the song recital that earns The Currymeister the prestigious #1 placement. The merciless bombardment of bad 1980s special effects is nothing short of amazing. From the moment he opens his mouth, absolutely every low-budget visual effect this side of the star wipe plays in rapid succession.
Then there’s the actual song. Coming from any other voicebox, it wouldn’t have been anything special. But Curry brings a disturbing charisma to the part, filling the tune with orgasmic groans and family-friendly comments like “oh I’m losing… control”. Honestly, only Mr. Curry could get away with this in a children’s movie.
1.5mb MP3 Download
“It’s great to be here, with you… young witches on this fabulous night. Remember girls – show the world. Let them know it’s… Halloween. HIT IT!”
I wouldn’t change places
With anyone tonight.
We’ll carve pumpkin faces
And watch the witches’ flight.
Every human heart will shudder.
Every soul will shake with fear.
Tonight, the creepiest…
Tonight, the scariest…
Tonight, the most wonderful night
Anything can happen on halloween.
Your dog could turn into a cat
There may be a toad in your base guitar
Or your sister could turn into a bat
Christmas time brings us snow
Summertime brings us sun
But on Halloween
Your blood begins to run
Something spooky’s going down, now
Anything can happen on Halloween
It’s better than a video
Gremlins gonna mess up every cassette
From London to Idaho
April 1st can be fun
New Years’ Eve is a ball
But on Halloween
Your flesh begins to crawl
Oh I’m losing… control
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
Your dentist could turn into a queen
Has anybody seen my tambourine
I may start playing
Begin the begin
The craziest night you’ve ever seen
Truth be told, this scene has already been covered brilliantly at X-Entertainment. All lovers of awful cinema owe it to themselves to read this article at least several times over, then track down a VHS of the film off eBay. As any further comments on the matter would be criminally redundant, here is a picture of The Grand Wizard as a teapot:
Tim Curry is, without any mollusc of a doubt, the great heroic actor of our age. Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro or Richard Wilkins might be technically superior in the acting department, but none of them could truthfully say they have played a polygonal vampire-thwarting detective, a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania, or The Grand Wizard in The Worst Witch. Especially not the late Mr. Brando, for obvious reasons.
Most importantly, though, his last name is Curry. CURRY!
We rest our case.
If you are Tim Curry and wish to send us an autograph, please contact us via the comments form below. If you are not Tim Curry, but still want to leave feedback, that is also acceptable.
- The Ever-JAWSOME, Ever-FORGETTABLE Street Sharks – Tim Curry never had a voice role in Street Sharks. This makes him even more awesome.
- Captain Planet & The Lake of Fear: A Panel-By-Panel Analysis – MAL does not make an appearance in this Captain Planet Annual 1993 comic, but you can imagine Tim Curry as the narrator if you wish. The POWER is YOURS!
- Krang: A Tribute – The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ talking brain archnemesis is the only being in the known universe who can relish an evil role more than Mr. Curry.
- Song: Self-Portrait – This deranged comedy anthem from Our Excellent Podcast sounds rather a lot like Tim Curry’s musical work, according to my mother.